My Ensign Article

Note... After stepping away from this blog I have ntcied a couple of things. The words below reflect partially on how I feel. My thoughts and impressions on the subject ebb and flow through the days... It is not constant...


Blame this one on Emily. After several disgruntled comments I made about the August Ensign's articles on being single, Emily said (more or less) "well, if you don't like them, why don't you write one." I couldn't get that thought out of my head- so tonight - instead of my laundry list of things I need to do- I wrote. I realize it's a little rough- editing necessary. But when have I posted a truly polished blog? Don't worry- I realize it isn't Ensign appropriate- but I am considering doctoring it up a little and sending in a more "user friendly" version. Who would have thought?




I am the definition of the single Mormon cliché. The cliché that begins with the assurance I had of my being married between the ages 21 and 24. No doubt. But just in case, 25 was a fall back plan. All of my friends when I was that age managed- but me. I am a BYU alumni, 30, and still single. How much more cliché can you get? I have a master’s degree, a successful career, traveled around the world and will continue to travel. But sometimes I am left wondering, what now? What more can/should I do?

I was taught by many influences, marriage is the pinnacle of life. Or- the ultimate success in life (at least the beginning of it). The rite of passage leading from one stage of eternity to the next. The key to my entire future that is not to be delayed, but sought after. In addition, Mormon culture adds a healthy dose of implications stating "the right time is your early to mid-twenties and if you fail at marriage- you have failed in life". Being 30 and single I have, in some eyes, failed. I am amazed at the assumptions on my character and actions made when the details of my marriage statuse are brought to light. I have, apparently, not prayed, or fasted, nor gone to the temple enough. Or, I am too picky, not flirty, playing too much, or just not trying. These are my only options and the accusations presented to me by people who, may have good intentions, but simply don’t understand.

The truth is- marriage is a rite of passage and the ultimate success of this portion of eternity- not this life. In order for God’s purposes to be fulfilled, the majority will marry in this life. And, the majority will marry in a timely manner to multiply and replenish the earth-but not all. The truth is- marriage is one of the best ways to learn, grow and progress- but not the only way. The truth is-everyone has a different timeline and purpose in life resulting in different paths- even ones that stray from what is considered "the best". I, as an individual, have a different "best case scenario" than anyone else. The truth also is- God created us with a deep, inherent, righteous desire to have a companion in life and nothing else can fill it. The truth is- being single hurts.


In all the reading I have done about being single in the church- very little is said to address the actual hurt created by the God given longing to be united, sharing life and its experiences with someone you love in marriage. I have been frustrated reading the advice given to singles in The Ensign, etc because I have done everything suggested- now what? Tell me something more because this isn’t enough. Being single in the church is so much more and is not that easy. Over the years, out of necessity, I have learned some on how to deal with "the single dilemma" and I offer up a few of these thoughts.

Ways to Help with "The Single Dilemma"

Basics
1. Start out with the counsel given in the Ensigns (ex. Aug 2008)- If you haven’t gotten that far- get there. It is important.
2. Nothing can fill the void except the "right person" (which is no excuse to turn away potential and as we have been counseled, could be one of many different people). It’s a bigger mess if you force a puzzle piece that doesn’t fit.

Taking it a Step Further
3. Rely on God to give strength, comfort, and patience in the manner. But don’t expect God to take the desire, hurt or loneliness away. He may ease it for a season- but it is an important driving force to motivate us to do what we need to do to be married.
4. Seek to know from the Lord if you are following the right path for you. If you’re not, get on it. If you are, trust in the timing of the Lord. Take comfort in the knowledge that you are where you are supposed to be.

Most Importantly (for me)
5. Study hope- we are to have Ultimate Hope. Ultimate hope overcomes everything because Ultimate hope is hope in Christ and ALL His promises. Ultimate hope includes faith that all of God’s promises will be fulfilled and they are as sweet and wonderful when they do come as if it was now. Without ultimate hope even the temple is a difficult place to be when you are single. I believe, Joy "in the mean time", is only possible through hope. Add a dose of faith and charity and you may be surprised at how good life becomes.

Finally
6. Realize that some days are better than others and that’s okay. When you reach a bump in the road apply the counsel of Pres. Hinckley- Get on your knees, pray to the Lord- then get up and do something.

The process of managing life as a single member of the church and all "that" implies is individual. Seeking the counsel of the Lord in prayer, fasting, feasting on the word, and priesthood blessings is invaluable. Single wards are wonderful support groups but they come to an end when you become "too old". This is when your foundation of hope in Christ becomes even more vital.

Life is never what you expect and time passes without your permission. I wasn’t asked if I wanted to be single at 30- it just is and I accept that. I was however, asked if I was willing to accept and follow Christ. Following Christ is the ultimate goal of this life. Living worthy to return to Christ is the pinnacle success I can achieve. These are my goals and my measures for a successful life.