Arrival

I want to know when I will let go believing I will one day "arrive". As in complete, whole, accomplished, figured out, understood... This is true in a large and small existential sense. I understand that the point if life is that we never "arrive" at all. We are constantly striving, learning, and perfecting ourselves- learning from the 360 degrees that surround us. There is no way to ever experience and understand it all. Logically and rationally my mind freely accepts and agrees. But I still find myself holding on to this idea that I will arrive- even if it is at a plateau until I reach for the next summit. Viewing life as an up and up stair like progression. What I am finding most frustrating are moments when I find myself staring up at an "arrival" I have already arrived at. What? But I've already climbed that- work done, case closed, pictures scrap booked, mission accomplished. Yet here I am again. How is this possible? Somehow in the maze of life I have returned to a corner I have already puzzled past. Was is a right or a left at the T? Ugh.

So maybe life is not so nice and neat as I want it to be. Not a checklist of lessons to learn/ experiences to have, or a staircase of arrivals in a vertical progression, or any other model of linear measurement. Nature teaches us life is cyclical, variable, and phasic. We don't "arrive" at spring having finished winter never to return. Does one winter teach me all I can learn from it? I guarantee I wished it had the first non-California winter I experienced. But, every time winter comes I am better prepared and it gets easier. I slowly build up warm clothes/winter gear, get used to driving in storms, put up curtains to retain the heat, and pick up winter sports (still working on that- but now that I have a non- ski team coat I can ski in, thanks to the REI garage sale, I am a step closer to that). Eventually winter is welcome. Returning to winter doesn't necessarily mean I've regressed or taken a wrong turn. Perhaps it is just a part of the cyclical nature of life's journey.

But the truth is, I am frustrated to find myself faced with the challenges I think should not be. I want to have arrived and be moving onward. Instead I fee.)l like I am staring at dishevelled jigsaw puzzle pieces of myself needing to put them together without a picture to guide me. Who am I? (How is it I am still asking the question of who am I?) What is my individual worth/ am I of worth? (After the last 2 years of allowing a few variables shape my unconscious thoughts into I am not good enough -no matter how I try. I've found myself looking squarely at my sense of worth.) Do I have anything to contribute to the world? Do I have anything worthwhile to contribute/attract a companion? (The older I become the more aware of my weaknesses I am and the less confident I am in answering this question.) How do I sit in stillness? What is my potential? How do I let go and live freely, joyfully? What am I holding on to that limits me? etc. How many times have I approached these questions before? And yet I find myself staring them down yet again. At 30 years of age one would hope I had a better grip on these. Am I alone in my quest to answer these questions, again, at this time of life? I am not too keen on the ebb and flow of life flowing them back my way.

The good news is- I like jigsaw puzzles. Just ask my mom. After a little time and attention to detail, soon you begin to see things more clearly and the pieces come together quickly. The good news is, is that after a long time of feeling stuck and directionless, things are finally starting to come together- things are coming in and out of my life (more out than in) clearing the air and bringing change allowing me to see where I couldn't before. I feel like the dam has finally broken and there is a lot of parched ground out there needing moisture. Okay- enough with the metaphors... I just understand and describe things better through them. In the end, I am actually at times happy to be where I am. I feel like it is a step forward. Despite the battle to let go of wanting to arrive or have already arrived, I am accepting that I am a work in progress. And- I think the final picture of my puzzle will be beautiful.

Believe it or Not

Guess what?! I am still in a little bit of shock myself- I can't believe I did it. I gave my "2 week" notice to my employer today. After 3 years of commuting to Ogden- after April 15th- no more! Of course there are some mixed emotions- I will miss my co-workers. Alan Keller being the top of the list. He is a great friend- I hope I can connect, trust, and enjoy another co-worker one day like I do with him. Tim Semindani, Boyd Eastman, Tres Ferrin, Jeff Speckman, Jennifer Kimbal, Cheryl Wheelwright, JoAnn Yognsdal, Tamika, Bobbi, Rose, DeAnn, Dontai, Jody Wong... BUT. Over all I am excited. I accepted a position at the IMC hospital in Murray. I can take Trax! It was a tough decision for 2 key reasons. First and foremost- looming large- is I have to work every other Sunday. For some reason sick and injured people don't go home from the hospital on Sundays. Go figure. It is still a concern- but overall I've worked it out. Second- and surprisingly fading fast- is an identity change. I will leave my outpatient orthopedic career behind- or at least put to the side- and enter a new PT career as an inpatient acute care therapist. Not where I ever dreamed I'd be. As I've taken a closer look I've found that there are a lot of things I am not going to miss. In fact, there are things I can't wait to be free of. I always thought outpatient orthopedics was my dream job- how little we actually know of ourselves and of reality. The reality of an orthopedic PT is extremely different than the perceived, assumed, or idealized. And even the part of the job that does match my preconceived notion, I don't like as much as I thought I would. Don't misunderstand me- there are times my job is great. But not enough to keep me from making a change. After some pondering, I think I might really like this new position. It is 7 on 7 off. Just think of the traveling I could do!! I can dance more, play more, get caught up on life, put music on my MP3 player... I will be paid more, to work less. And I don't have to drive in the snow in Ogden where the worst of the storms usually hit. The last selling feature of this position is the floors I will be covering. I really didn't want to spend hours on end getting people with pneumonia up and walking. And- unless I'm covering for someone else- I won't. I will be working on the ICU shock trauma and trauma floors. When you see a life flight helicopter, odds are pretty good that I will be working with that person. That is worth it. Challenging enough to keep me engaged, on my toes, and feeling like I am making a difference.
So there you have it. Finally- after how many complaints?! It took quite the series of events to get me here. I'm know I would not have considered this position had my boat not been rocked hard. The Lord knew I needed a shock to change what I was looking for, when I was looking for it, etc. It took me spending a few days believing that I ruined a patients rotator cuff repair surgery with the PROM (passive range of motion) done in therapy. Not a good weekend. I did not do anything wrong , but it appeared that what was done was - enough. I was ready to resign on the spot. So I applied for a couple of jobs I otherwise would not have in the event my fears were actualized. The good news is the MRI of my patient came back with the surgical sutures in place. And the good news is that I decided to interview anyway and see where it led me. I am always amazed at how life and answers come by the least expected avenues.

Peace

eternal perspective is peace
trust in the Lord is peace
integrity is peace
family is peace
grace is peace
atonement is peace
God is peace

I have peace

Lost

Not what I was looking for or wanting
Not what I was expecting
But perhaps perfect
Lost with no hope of return

Stream of Conscious

This may be the longest I have gone between posts. It is funny how I let opinions of others affect me- regardless if I am conscious of it or not... I am excited to report that this post is being written from the comfort of a reclined pose in my bed! Yes indeed, thanks to my brother- otherwise who knows when I would have gotten around to it-I am writing from my brand spanking new laptop!! It is beautiful. He put a lot of work into it. Thank you, Thank you! T-Rex is all but a thing of the past- right where it belongs. I just have to transfer some files over and find a good home for someone who likes prehistoric artifacts. It is much better than being chained to the freezing corner. Miracles never cease.
I am grateful I believe in miracles, that God has the power and is willing if necessary to perform a miracle in my life and others lives. There is great comfort in that- whether it happens or not, knowing if it were necessary it could be done helps to get through whatever I'm wading through at the moment. I just wish the wading was more along the lines of a hot summer day walking through a streambed in the forest of North Carolina. There was one particular spot outside of Chapel Hill I loved to go to. It was a easy trail walk in the beautiful woods to an expansion of the stream bed deep enough to swim in and big rocks to sit in the sun on and dry off...

I am often amazed at how strongly our personal will/desire can cloud our view and vision- basically to the point of deceiving ourselves to the bitter end. Choosing to hold onto certain pieces that support our position and ignoring the ones that don't to the point you cannot see it as any thing else. The worst is when you know that is a possibility but you have convinced yourself you have been objective in your analysis...
Once again the cliche- "you don't know what you have until it's gone" has proved its truth and why it has lasted through the years.

I am grateful for the underlying peace I feel despite... despite many things.

I hope to learn- always.