On the Brink

I think I am getting really close to biting the bullet and just take a few computer classes. I am getting so frustrated! My limited knowledge due to my refusal to play the technology game is starting to come back to haunt me- as we all knew it would... But really, cutting and pasting should not be a problem! All I wanted to do is share and save a most wonderful piece of writing I came across last week. But no- It refuses to transfer into my blog. I can paste it into my email and word- but not here. Why?! Grrrr... Obviously the answer is- I don't know, which is why I really may be tossing in the towel and going to get some help. What are the odds?! I may wind up becoming tech savvy- who knows?

Innumerable and Priceless

I would like to report that life is good. I am blessed with so much in my life- when I take a step back and look through clearer eyes I see myself blessed far beyond the efforts and good intentions my life could ever hope to earn. Simply the knowledge of the eternities/gospel, the blessings of the endowment, and the love of family and friends are of the riches blessings to be cherished and prized above all. But I also have health, strength, coordination, and the beauties of the earth to see, admire, and play in. There is music to move the soul and the feet in rhythm which I can hear, feel, and create. I live in a comfortable beautiful home. I have a job where I am part of a team- respected and appreciated and am paid more than enough to cover my needs and enough wants to never complain. My mind is open and receptive-capable of learning without major obstacle. I have the means to be warm in the winter, cool in the summer, and fed all three meals without concern. I indeed have very little in my life worthy of complaint. Although sadly, I, amazingly enough, forget these things and choose instead to focus on small insignificant worries, detours, disappointments, or fatigues. How easy it is to turn a grain of sand into a giant boulder. I have seen enough of this world-from third world countries to physical limitations from working in health care to KNOW that these blessings are gifts, to be treasured. Many things I take for granted are others unreachable dream. I hope I can take time to stop, ponder, and appreciate just how rich my life is and toss the boulders in my sight back into the sand box where they belong.

Random

Today I was informed that I could not treat any patients until I had come into full compliance with hosptial standards. I didn't even know I was out of compliance. It turned out that I hadn't had one of my standard vaccines- so I became the victim of a stabbing this morning. I was informed I would be sore tomorrow. Forget tomorrow! I was sore starting 2 hours after.

I treated a 90 year old patient who still had naturally brown hair- some grey interspersed but I was amazed that the majority was still brown.

I treated a patient today who in years pass had a gastric bypass and intenstinal shortening. When I walked in the room she was taking a bite out of a crown burger that was as big as my head and was asking where her onion rings were. Lets just say that the surgery wasn't as successful as she wished and she suffers from chronic diaherra. Shocking...

Anyway- just a couple of random tid bits from my day at work.

Hopeless

I still remember the first time my heart was broken- I was 15. Don Daley had already turned 16 and he could "date" now and I couldn't. So he broke off our innocent 15 year old "going out". Really it had consisted of talking on the phone, going to church dances and getting together in groups at friends' houses. My poor romantic committed self was devastated. We ended up being close friends for the next five years while he dated scores of women. It was a great friendship. He was the boy who told me that I was not the kinda girl guys wanted to date- I was the kind they wanted to marry. I now know that was the highest compliment I could receive, a reflection of how I stayed true to my standards and what I believed, but it didn't seem that way when he said it. Over the next 16 years since I cried in the hall of the stake center at that youth dance, my heart has broken more times than I wish to count. I know that wishing on a star, a toss of a penny in a wishing well, blowing all the seeds out of a dandelion, kissing a frog, blowing out all the candles on a birthday cake, shooting stars, holding your breath through a tunnel... doesn't magically produce your dreams, your hearts desire, the childish wish you faithfully toss to the fairies and cupids just out of sight. I know because I have tried them all. (well, I'm not sure I've ever kissed a literal frog...) But... do you want to know a secret? I still do it. I still wish on stars and when I blow out the candles on my cake. I try to blow off all the seed of the dandelion and toss the penny into any wishing well. I want to believe in dreams. I want to believe that burning desires of my heart will come to life. The question is how many times will my heart break and my dreams not come true before I let go of my childish ways? Haven't I learned anything in the last 15+ years? I have come to the conclusion that I am hopeless. I will continue to risk my heart, I will continue to dream, and break the "rules" of sophisticated women- and as a result I will continue to suffer the pains of a broken heart. Because I want to make the birthday cake. I know that line makes no sense but I'm not ready to tell that story yet. I know my behavior is sometimes childlike- but I would rather laugh about ping ponging through the narrow halls of a ridiculous condo than walk all stoic and ladylike. I would rather get excited to share a joy or create a joy than stop and think through "overstepping" my bounds. I would rather hold my breath through a long tunnel and feel the glee and anticipation of what I get to wish for rather than not. So there you go- I am hopeless and I'm afraid it just won't ever change. I hope I never find out my limit of heart breaks before I change.

Good Morning!

I woke this morning to a beautiful spring snow storm. Perfect! Why perfect? Because whenever there is a snow storm I think about the best thing I could do is cuddle up in a blanket in the front room with a cup of hot cocoa, a book to read/something quiet to do and have the curtains open so I can watch as the snow filters down from the sky. Like powdered sugar shifted through a sieve over a homemade delight. And guess what today's plan was? Read, ponder and write in hopes of gaining some perspective, clarity, and peace within myself. Finally a day when the weather and my activity match. When does that ever happen?
I was getting all set of for my day before I permanently affixed myself to the couch when a most unexpected twist occurred. I was still in my PJ's when I ran down to put a letter in the mail slot, it was cold outside and not wanting to let the cold air into the upper part of the house I closed the door before I opened the outside door to send my mail. Oooops! The door was still locked when I closed it and I nice and neatly "stucked" myself in the entryway. It was wet, cold and snowy outside, the door inside was locked, I had no keys, no phone, no shoes, and forgive me for admitting to public- no bra. I was in my PJ's and socks trapped between the wet cold snow and a locked upstairs. Humorous yes. But painful tragic at the same time. There was one hope in this story- Kristin was still home and hadn't left for work yet. But she was in her room upstairs and couldn't hear the doorbell- trust me I rang it often in the time I spent huddled in the entryway. I left the front front door open allowing all the warm air out because I had to catch Kristin going to her car from the back door for work because if I wasn't quick enough and missed her then I had a whole day to freeze in the entryway. I wasn't about to walk in a freezing wet snow storm dressed as mentioned above to the church history building and ask for Emily Utt or Anya Bybee as a drowned frozen homeless rat to get a key to get inside again. So there I was ringing and ringing the doorbell getting colder and colder as the minutes ticked by. To pass the time I picked up the broom we keep there and swept it out and bagged the mail rejects we keep there and tried to tidy things up. That was working well for me until I moved the broom back a little too far in my sweeping and caught my knuckles against the brick- tearing the skin right off. So now I am numb toed, shoeless, braless, locked out and BLEEDING. I mostly laughed off the ridiculousness of the situation and set myself to endlessly ringing the doorbell and stepping out to peer around the corner to see if Kristin's car was still there and hopefully catch her running off to work. 1/2 hour passes, 45 min passes and my toes are getting hard to move. I started running in place more fervently trying to maintain some body heat- which we all know is practically impossible for me to do. Well I thought it was only impossible for me to maintain body heat but as it turns out both running in place and maintaining body heat are impossible for me. While running I managed to clip my knee full force on the corner of the open door and create an instant change in skin color and an instant change in the shape of my knee- apparently it wasn't convex enough. (it is still tender for me to bend my knee) As much as I wanted to laugh at that too- I ended up just crying. Locked out from my own stupidity, bleeding knuckles, hypothermic toes, bruised throbbing knee, unsuitably dressed for public or the weather, ringing doorbell with no avail and entirely unsure how or when this moment of mortality would be over I just couldn't hold back the tears.
At this point I was seriously starting to consider my options- just how humiliating and perhaps risky would it be to walk in socks and PJ's to the church history library in this weather-and how much colder could I stand to get- the water was beginning to freeze on the handrail of the porch. Fortunately before my musings became too desperate Kristine managed to hear one of my endless peels of the doorbell and opened the door to rescue me. I was not nearly as gracious as I wish I had been but I was truly thankful she came to rescue me as I dived into the shower to warm up and rescue my toes. I really don't know how long I was stuck- it was between 45 min and an hour. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I started my day. Good Morning!

Circling Vultures

Yesterday I ventured into a new world. Entirely overwhelming and a touch frightening, but I had some trailblazing friends with me to help me out. I am talking about going to church at the Monument Park Ward. AKA- YSA ward failures now in remedial church. A singles ward for 31-45 year olds. There is that moment of "Is this really where I have come to in my life? Am I really here?". In the beginning of one meeting they announced that if there was anyone over 45 to please see the leaders and they will help you find somewhere else to attend. I had a moment of panic- I NEVER thought I would be in a 31+ ward, what if I get to 45+ and am still single? For sure I will be in a family ward in all my single grace teaching the primary by then.
I digress...
After the meeting I was talking to a couple of friends- Rob and Rachel. I got distracted in our conversation and had to stop and apologize with the explanation that I was distracted by a guy that keeps walking past over and over looking over and staring us down. Rob made my day by saying- "oh yeah, there are some that do that here- you have to stay close to your girlfriends." It's a good guy who can call it out like that. Then Rachel took it a step further by saying "Circle the Wagons!". Just to top it off I couldn't resist-"The Injuns are coming!". (that is slang for Indians if anyone is confused...) That brought a great deal of laughter at a much needed time. Unfortunately we broke rank and the Injun cut us off at the pass as we were trying to make our great escape. For the betterment of all "man"kind- please note that the "you look familiar, do I know you from somewhere" is a much overused pick up line. All it accomplishes is to make me feel like I have the most common face ever, because NO, I do not know you from somewhere. I managed to squiggle out of his grasp fairly quickly (not too rudely) and make a run for the door.
That evening my friend texted me to find out how the great adventure went- he attended that day as well. The conversation that ensued was the second highlight of the night.
Me: I was overwhelmed but I am going to give it a chance. Your thoughts?
Friend: EJECT! (he's a pilot)
Me: Well there was this vulture that was circling after church, I tried to run for it but he was too quick.
Friend: What the vulture didn't realize is that you're not dead yet.
Thank goodness I am not dead yet!!! I may be 31 and single but I have a lot of life yet! You can't just have any good looking pair of boots you see at church.

GRRRRRR

I had a great post all written and one miss stroke it all disappeared! There is a reason I write in Word and then copy it here- but did I do that tonight? Oh No. Now I am just frustrated. No way I am going to rewrite it. Some days are just like that I suppose.
But I did enjoy playing frisbee and flying a kite today. So nice to be outside again. I hope to be a kite flying free in the sky soon- without guilt, pain or fear because I let go and am free. Not quite there yet, but I'm working on it.