Monday, April 5, 2010
I still remember the first time my heart was broken- I was 15. Don Daley had already turned 16 and he could "date" now and I couldn't. So he broke off our innocent 15 year old "going out". Really it had consisted of talking on the phone, going to church dances and getting together in groups at friends' houses. My poor romantic committed self was devastated. We ended up being close friends for the next five years while he dated scores of women. It was a great friendship. He was the boy who told me that I was not the kinda girl guys wanted to date- I was the kind they wanted to marry. I now know that was the highest compliment I could receive, a reflection of how I stayed true to my standards and what I believed, but it didn't seem that way when he said it. Over the next 16 years since I cried in the hall of the stake center at that youth dance, my heart has broken more times than I wish to count. I know that wishing on a star, a toss of a penny in a wishing well, blowing all the seeds out of a dandelion, kissing a frog, blowing out all the candles on a birthday cake, shooting stars, holding your breath through a tunnel... doesn't magically produce your dreams, your hearts desire, the childish wish you faithfully toss to the fairies and cupids just out of sight. I know because I have tried them all. (well, I'm not sure I've ever kissed a literal frog...) But... do you want to know a secret? I still do it. I still wish on stars and when I blow out the candles on my cake. I try to blow off all the seed of the dandelion and toss the penny into any wishing well. I want to believe in dreams. I want to believe that burning desires of my heart will come to life. The question is how many times will my heart break and my dreams not come true before I let go of my childish ways? Haven't I learned anything in the last 15+ years? I have come to the conclusion that I am hopeless. I will continue to risk my heart, I will continue to dream, and break the "rules" of sophisticated women- and as a result I will continue to suffer the pains of a broken heart. Because I want to make the birthday cake. I know that line makes no sense but I'm not ready to tell that story yet. I know my behavior is sometimes childlike- but I would rather laugh about ping ponging through the narrow halls of a ridiculous condo than walk all stoic and ladylike. I would rather get excited to share a joy or create a joy than stop and think through "overstepping" my bounds. I would rather hold my breath through a long tunnel and feel the glee and anticipation of what I get to wish for rather than not. So there you go- I am hopeless and I'm afraid it just won't ever change. I hope I never find out my limit of heart breaks before I change.