Yesterday, I found myself on my knees pleading for strength. Strength to accept, strength to have the faith to trust God does love me, and strength to pick myself up- brush off the dirt pull the sticks out of my hair and keep moving forward. What I REALLY wanted was for God to say j/k you actually get your hearts desire- Surprise! Or, a second however less desirable answer, yet still acceptable, I know your hurting so I am going to first take all the pain from your heart and then send immediately something even better to replace what you have lost. But I have learned over bitter-sweet experiences that although God has the power to fulfill my wishes in the manner I prefer- He has the wisdom not to. Therefore my pleas have changed to what I need rather than what I want.
This is not always easy. There is a two-year old within me that pushes back with a big pout and whine saying- “No, I don’t wanna.” Sometimes I am surprised how hard I have to fight back with humility and work to WANT to “eat my vegetables”. Then I expect to see instantaneous results! Hours after my little heart to heart with God the burden felt so heavy I wondered where I could possibly find the strength to move forward. That was when I first saw God.
I saw God in remembering words from Sacrament meeting and I saw Him the next day in the art work at the conference center. God was in the CD that was playing in my car today, in the quotes used by my yoga instructor in class, He was in the lesson I began studying to prepare to teach, and God was even in the activity /lesson at family home evening... Everywhere I went was one quiet sermon after another- over and over until I could not deny it- Until I KNEW. Until I knew God was all around me reaching out His hand to help me over the boulder that was just a little big for me to step over on my own. With each appearance I grew gradually stronger and more confident. Nothing changed in the situation- but I changed. What appeared so large yesterday suddenly seems much smaller.
The interesting part for me was the lesson God used to help me. Over and over again I saw trials, suffering, and difficulties- and yet people endured. I think I needed to know that I am not unique in my hardships- they come to everyone. The history of the Saints of God is filled with people being pushed to the point where they did not know where they would find the strength to continue- and yet they got up and pressed on. This is my heritage and this is life. Somehow knowing life isn’t supposed to be neat and pretty made dealing with the muddiness much easier.
I know I saw God today. And that has made all the difference.