Tonight I made a snow angel! Snow is a study in opposites for me- good and evil all in one! It is either very stressful- driving in it, late to work, being cold, ugly once tainted, or attempting to not die learning skiing/snowboarding (although it is fun to try). Or, it is calming, renewing, full of wonder, adventure and possibilities. Fresh fallen snow at night may be my favorite because the world looks different. Everything seems to glow softly and it is easier to see things with a different perspective. And a different perspective is very welcome these days.
My head has been full of sentence fragments, half paragraphs and many other piece meal thoughts these last few weeks. Trying to wrap my head around things I just don't understand. I am reminded that Moses and the house of Israel were wandering for 40 years and think how long they waited before that for Moses to even come! I have a little while yet before I can claim the Lord has abandoned me. I am brought back again to where I was many months ago- needing the sure anchor of hope. I wonder, why that principle is difficult for me? As much I wish it otherwise- hope is hard work for me and easily lost. True hope is achieved when the eternal perspective over rides the immediate earthly perspective. When trust and faith in the Lord is stronger than logic, cynicism, doubt, and/or fear. Poor decisions are made when hope fades. Some days I wonder if I am cut out for the refiners fire. Submitting cheerfully to the will of the Lord is not so hard on day 1- day 416 give or take a few- is not so easy. But I had a moment of remembering on Monday that helped. Standing in the corner, waiting my turn during my dance class on Monday night, I was pondering how amazing it was that I now have access to 4-5 dance classes every week and I only have to pay for one of them. Immediately I was brought back to the many times I had prayed for the opportunity to dance more- months and months ago. So long ago I had forgotten those prayers in the distance. (Although, to it make it perfect a few performing opportunities need to come about...) I had the overwhelming feeling of gratitude and realization that this was an answer to my prayer. A prayer that I had forgotten- but the Lord hadn't. I thought through the tiny miracles that had occurred step by step to bring about this miracle. And not only am I dancing for free- but I am working with the dancers as a therapist, which I am loving. This "remembering" brought a spark of hope. If the Lord heard and answered- after a bit of time- this prayer, then, it is quite possible my long standing unanswered plea (s) is being heard and will be answered in time. Remembering- that is another key to hope.
In the mean time- I am working on my resume this weekend to apply for a new job. I know nothing about it but I am intrigued- Huntsman Cancer Institute. No idea what they want a therapist for- the possibilities are wide- and that is what intrigues me- something different with a lot of possibility. And it is close! Cross your fingers!
In the mean time- I finished my last 5 day work week for one month! Hooray! The next two weeks I have Christmas Eve and day off, New Year's eve and day off. Then I leave the next week for Canada with the US Aerial ski team (I am really afraid of freezing to death up there- anyone have some really good warm winter gear they want to let me borrow?). I come home on a Monday so I only have 4 days that week to work.
In the mean time- I am working on my Sunday school lessons and loving the study. I've decided the weeks I'm not teaching to try out the other wards available to me (family ward/the "older" singles ward). I realized that it isn't strength to continue attending my ward- it is pride. I had thought attending another ward was weakness, "letting ___ get the upper hand". Until this week when I realized that that was pride and perhaps being meek admitting my limitations is the real strength I need. But with the craziness of my schedule this next month it will be mid January before I can do that.
In the mean time- I am excited to have my family over for dinner at my house Christmas day. I decided last year, no more of the old Christmas. I need to create my own traditions and not be the "single, tag along" any more (at least that is how I felt). I am 30 years old for crying out loud! I am excited to cook, prepare, decorate and give this Christmas. I am going to Midnight Mass on Christmas- anyone want to come. And I am spending Christmas morning, alone, at my house for the first time- and I am really looking forward to it.
In the mean time- I am grateful to always have enough. I am grateful for the friendship and companionship of my roommates. This is the third Christmas season we have spent together. They are family. They are a blessing in every way. I am grateful the Lord believes in me enough to challenge me. I am grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ, I am grateful for the Book of Mormon and latter-day prophets and leaders. I am grateful for the Priesthood and worthy priesthood holders. I am grateful for knowledge. I am grateful for life!