Tuesday, March 2, 2010

I Killed It

I am heartbroken. But what else was I to do? They say that it is merciful to kill an animal to end its suffering. Well I feel like I "killed it" and have only caused more grief. I don't want any more grief, for myself or for anyone else. I feel like I took a stand for myself and came out the loser. Letting go is so hard for me.
Where is the point of no return? The point where you have gone so far you can't go back to how things used to be. If you knew you were there would you choose to take the next step and risk losing it all or stay put and treasure what you have? The hope of stepping past the point of no return is of course to gain it all. Everything I ever dreamed of. But, I am not much of a gambler so maybe it is a good thing that I don't know that I am crossing the line. I might not ever make the choice to take the step past that point and hold on to what I have. The consequence of that action is I would never be able to gain what I ultimately desire because I was never willing to risk losing and winding up where I currently am.
But right now, in this moment I am not happy I took the risk. Losing is terribly painful- handing over all the chips in my pile feels like I am losing more than poker chips and money. I see others lose- kill the animal, hand over the poker chips and walk away so much easier than I do. GRRRrrrr.
I hate that I had to kill it.


Thinker said...

I'm sorry you had to do something so hard. I had to have my dog put to sleep about 5 years ago. I felt the same way you do.

I'm thinking about you. Sis Monson

heidikins said...

Love you.