Good Morning!

I woke this morning to a beautiful spring snow storm. Perfect! Why perfect? Because whenever there is a snow storm I think about the best thing I could do is cuddle up in a blanket in the front room with a cup of hot cocoa, a book to read/something quiet to do and have the curtains open so I can watch as the snow filters down from the sky. Like powdered sugar shifted through a sieve over a homemade delight. And guess what today's plan was? Read, ponder and write in hopes of gaining some perspective, clarity, and peace within myself. Finally a day when the weather and my activity match. When does that ever happen?
I was getting all set of for my day before I permanently affixed myself to the couch when a most unexpected twist occurred. I was still in my PJ's when I ran down to put a letter in the mail slot, it was cold outside and not wanting to let the cold air into the upper part of the house I closed the door before I opened the outside door to send my mail. Oooops! The door was still locked when I closed it and I nice and neatly "stucked" myself in the entryway. It was wet, cold and snowy outside, the door inside was locked, I had no keys, no phone, no shoes, and forgive me for admitting to public- no bra. I was in my PJ's and socks trapped between the wet cold snow and a locked upstairs. Humorous yes. But painful tragic at the same time. There was one hope in this story- Kristin was still home and hadn't left for work yet. But she was in her room upstairs and couldn't hear the doorbell- trust me I rang it often in the time I spent huddled in the entryway. I left the front front door open allowing all the warm air out because I had to catch Kristin going to her car from the back door for work because if I wasn't quick enough and missed her then I had a whole day to freeze in the entryway. I wasn't about to walk in a freezing wet snow storm dressed as mentioned above to the church history building and ask for Emily Utt or Anya Bybee as a drowned frozen homeless rat to get a key to get inside again. So there I was ringing and ringing the doorbell getting colder and colder as the minutes ticked by. To pass the time I picked up the broom we keep there and swept it out and bagged the mail rejects we keep there and tried to tidy things up. That was working well for me until I moved the broom back a little too far in my sweeping and caught my knuckles against the brick- tearing the skin right off. So now I am numb toed, shoeless, braless, locked out and BLEEDING. I mostly laughed off the ridiculousness of the situation and set myself to endlessly ringing the doorbell and stepping out to peer around the corner to see if Kristin's car was still there and hopefully catch her running off to work. 1/2 hour passes, 45 min passes and my toes are getting hard to move. I started running in place more fervently trying to maintain some body heat- which we all know is practically impossible for me to do. Well I thought it was only impossible for me to maintain body heat but as it turns out both running in place and maintaining body heat are impossible for me. While running I managed to clip my knee full force on the corner of the open door and create an instant change in skin color and an instant change in the shape of my knee- apparently it wasn't convex enough. (it is still tender for me to bend my knee) As much as I wanted to laugh at that too- I ended up just crying. Locked out from my own stupidity, bleeding knuckles, hypothermic toes, bruised throbbing knee, unsuitably dressed for public or the weather, ringing doorbell with no avail and entirely unsure how or when this moment of mortality would be over I just couldn't hold back the tears.
At this point I was seriously starting to consider my options- just how humiliating and perhaps risky would it be to walk in socks and PJ's to the church history library in this weather-and how much colder could I stand to get- the water was beginning to freeze on the handrail of the porch. Fortunately before my musings became too desperate Kristine managed to hear one of my endless peels of the doorbell and opened the door to rescue me. I was not nearly as gracious as I wish I had been but I was truly thankful she came to rescue me as I dived into the shower to warm up and rescue my toes. I really don't know how long I was stuck- it was between 45 min and an hour. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I started my day. Good Morning!

Circling Vultures

Yesterday I ventured into a new world. Entirely overwhelming and a touch frightening, but I had some trailblazing friends with me to help me out. I am talking about going to church at the Monument Park Ward. AKA- YSA ward failures now in remedial church. A singles ward for 31-45 year olds. There is that moment of "Is this really where I have come to in my life? Am I really here?". In the beginning of one meeting they announced that if there was anyone over 45 to please see the leaders and they will help you find somewhere else to attend. I had a moment of panic- I NEVER thought I would be in a 31+ ward, what if I get to 45+ and am still single? For sure I will be in a family ward in all my single grace teaching the primary by then.
I digress...
After the meeting I was talking to a couple of friends- Rob and Rachel. I got distracted in our conversation and had to stop and apologize with the explanation that I was distracted by a guy that keeps walking past over and over looking over and staring us down. Rob made my day by saying- "oh yeah, there are some that do that here- you have to stay close to your girlfriends." It's a good guy who can call it out like that. Then Rachel took it a step further by saying "Circle the Wagons!". Just to top it off I couldn't resist-"The Injuns are coming!". (that is slang for Indians if anyone is confused...) That brought a great deal of laughter at a much needed time. Unfortunately we broke rank and the Injun cut us off at the pass as we were trying to make our great escape. For the betterment of all "man"kind- please note that the "you look familiar, do I know you from somewhere" is a much overused pick up line. All it accomplishes is to make me feel like I have the most common face ever, because NO, I do not know you from somewhere. I managed to squiggle out of his grasp fairly quickly (not too rudely) and make a run for the door.
That evening my friend texted me to find out how the great adventure went- he attended that day as well. The conversation that ensued was the second highlight of the night.
Me: I was overwhelmed but I am going to give it a chance. Your thoughts?
Friend: EJECT! (he's a pilot)
Me: Well there was this vulture that was circling after church, I tried to run for it but he was too quick.
Friend: What the vulture didn't realize is that you're not dead yet.
Thank goodness I am not dead yet!!! I may be 31 and single but I have a lot of life yet! You can't just have any good looking pair of boots you see at church.

GRRRRRR

I had a great post all written and one miss stroke it all disappeared! There is a reason I write in Word and then copy it here- but did I do that tonight? Oh No. Now I am just frustrated. No way I am going to rewrite it. Some days are just like that I suppose.
But I did enjoy playing frisbee and flying a kite today. So nice to be outside again. I hope to be a kite flying free in the sky soon- without guilt, pain or fear because I let go and am free. Not quite there yet, but I'm working on it.

Anonymous

I never told anyone but
I have embraced a blackened sun
Set sail on a mountain path
Fallen to earth from the caverns deep
Fought battles on the plains of clouds
And killed by a gentle breeze.
I never told anyone but
I am more than me.

Joy in the Odd Choice

Yesterday I pruned "my" roses. They aren't exactly my roses because I rent- but they have been mine for the 5 years I have lived here. The weather took a sharp turn from fair to wet as I was getting ready to go out- so I put on my Spyder coat, put the hood up, and went out anyway. I realized that some people might look at me and consider it odd that I was pruning roses in rain and hail. I also realized I didn't care. It needed to be done and a part of me found joy in pruning at an "odd" time. My coat kept me dry so what did it matter? Instead of worring and waiting for the weather to turn around, I decided to not let the weather tell me how I was going to live my life. It was empowering. I am all to guilty of living my life how I "should"- Once in awhile it is enlightening, inspiring, and liberating to veer from the beaten path and find the freedom in living your own life. The joy in the odd choice. Guidelines are good- but not mandatory. There are a million different ways to live your life. Just because it isn't the same as others live, it doesn't make it wrong.

I Killed It

I am heartbroken. But what else was I to do? They say that it is merciful to kill an animal to end its suffering. Well I feel like I "killed it" and have only caused more grief. I don't want any more grief, for myself or for anyone else. I feel like I took a stand for myself and came out the loser. Letting go is so hard for me.
Where is the point of no return? The point where you have gone so far you can't go back to how things used to be. If you knew you were there would you choose to take the next step and risk losing it all or stay put and treasure what you have? The hope of stepping past the point of no return is of course to gain it all. Everything I ever dreamed of. But, I am not much of a gambler so maybe it is a good thing that I don't know that I am crossing the line. I might not ever make the choice to take the step past that point and hold on to what I have. The consequence of that action is I would never be able to gain what I ultimately desire because I was never willing to risk losing and winding up where I currently am.
But right now, in this moment I am not happy I took the risk. Losing is terribly painful- handing over all the chips in my pile feels like I am losing more than poker chips and money. I see others lose- kill the animal, hand over the poker chips and walk away so much easier than I do. GRRRrrrr.
I hate that I had to kill it.