Yesterday, I found myself on my knees pleading for strength. Strength to accept, strength to have the faith to trust God does love me, and strength to pick myself up- brush off the dirt pull the sticks out of my hair and keep moving forward. What I REALLY wanted was for God to say j/k you actually get your hearts desire- Surprise! Or, a second however less desirable answer, yet still acceptable, I know your hurting so I am going to first take all the pain from your heart and then send immediately something even better to replace what you have lost. But I have learned over bitter-sweet experiences that although God has the power to fulfill my wishes in the manner I prefer- He has the wisdom not to. Therefore my pleas have changed to what I need rather than what I want.
This is not always easy. There is a two-year old within me that pushes back with a big pout and whine saying- “No, I don’t wanna.” Sometimes I am surprised how hard I have to fight back with humility and work to WANT to “eat my vegetables”. Then I expect to see instantaneous results! Hours after my little heart to heart with God the burden felt so heavy I wondered where I could possibly find the strength to move forward. That was when I first saw God.
I saw God in remembering words from Sacrament meeting and I saw Him the next day in the art work at the conference center. God was in the CD that was playing in my car today, in the quotes used by my yoga instructor in class, He was in the lesson I began studying to prepare to teach, and God was even in the activity /lesson at family home evening... Everywhere I went was one quiet sermon after another- over and over until I could not deny it- Until I KNEW. Until I knew God was all around me reaching out His hand to help me over the boulder that was just a little big for me to step over on my own. With each appearance I grew gradually stronger and more confident. Nothing changed in the situation- but I changed. What appeared so large yesterday suddenly seems much smaller.
The interesting part for me was the lesson God used to help me. Over and over again I saw trials, suffering, and difficulties- and yet people endured. I think I needed to know that I am not unique in my hardships- they come to everyone. The history of the Saints of God is filled with people being pushed to the point where they did not know where they would find the strength to continue- and yet they got up and pressed on. This is my heritage and this is life. Somehow knowing life isn’t supposed to be neat and pretty made dealing with the muddiness much easier.
I know I saw God today. And that has made all the difference.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Picture Please
Yesterday was chore day. Clean the house, mow the lawn, cut back the roses, do laundry etc. In the midst of my lawn mowing an elderly gentleman with a lot of spunk came straight up the lawn toward me. i turn the lawn mower off and pulled my ear phones out of ears to ask if I could help him. His response was a little shocking to me- Can I take your picture of you mowing the lawn? What? He continued to explain that it just isn't something you see everyday- a woman mowing the lawn. He asked if I lived there or if I did all the lawns in the neighborhood. I explained that I live here and be my guest if you would like to take my picture. My only hesitancy and regret was that I decided to mow the lawn right after dance class while I was already dirty and then shower after it was all finished rather than changing a million times. I was not as attired as I would like for a photo op- tank top verses a preferred shirt.
What are the Odds?
What are the Odds?
Soaring
I had a moment I live for today!
Nothing compares to the exhilaration of soaring through the air to land and articulate the body with control and delight as the music moves you beyond your body and into the grand expanse. Have you ever felt it? The feeling of being connected to more than the limits of your physical space? When the spirit pushes past its physical limits and then you are living, thriving and being! NOT thinking, trying, or preoccupied somewhere else. Unity of heart, body and mind. That was the last combination in my dance class today. For a few minutes I knew I was born to dance- I am a dancer. I wish I had the gift for choreography but I am grateful to those who do and who share their talents so I have moments I soar. That is worth living for!
Nothing compares to the exhilaration of soaring through the air to land and articulate the body with control and delight as the music moves you beyond your body and into the grand expanse. Have you ever felt it? The feeling of being connected to more than the limits of your physical space? When the spirit pushes past its physical limits and then you are living, thriving and being! NOT thinking, trying, or preoccupied somewhere else. Unity of heart, body and mind. That was the last combination in my dance class today. For a few minutes I knew I was born to dance- I am a dancer. I wish I had the gift for choreography but I am grateful to those who do and who share their talents so I have moments I soar. That is worth living for!
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Classic
As I rule I do not blog about dates I go on. It is just dangerous territory. As most dates go poorly either day of or in break up months later- it just has seemed wise to leave it alone. BUT! This one was too good to be lost with countless other faded and forgotten memories. I've waited a month or two for decency sake and now the time has come to share. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.
John Doe- arrived on time to pick me up for an evening of fine dining and entertainment. I was to later learn that he did a bit of homework before our first date. He talked with several mutual friends to get the "dirt" on me. As far as I know all he got was that I am a physical therapist, dancer, Sunday school teacher, and that I am loud. Not sure how keen I am on being labelled as loud as my descriptor- But, I have to admit I can get excited about things and lose track of my volume. I on the other hand knew as little as I knew when we met at the Iron and Wine concert. Forward, confident (perhaps too confident), and obviously different passions in life as physical appearance revealed. I highly doubted any sparks would fly but, I was willing to go and give it a whirl. ( And I am ever so glad I did because the story is a new favorite of mine.) I was laughing inside the whole night because it was classic for Heather- even my roommates thought it was a true "What are the Odds" night- somewhat- to be expected rather than surprising.
John stands close to 6 feet with more of a broader rather than slender frame. So I thought it perhaps an odder choice of vehicles when we walked up to his Mini. Sure enough the mild contortions he did to get in to the car and the knees he ate while driving made me tilt my head to the side and think "huh". Apparently he hadn't had the car very long and that explained the less than smooth ride that honestly made me a little nervous. To cap off my nervousness we cut off a 12 person van sliding just ahead and slipped neatly into a parking spot right in front of them. Mini verses 12 person van- outcome not in our favor. Just as we stopped the 12 person van pulled right up along side us in a driveway and stopped. I had a momentary fear of road rage at its finest as 8-10 30-40 year old men with their serious tattoos, sun glasses and walk like you mean it attitude came pouring out of the van. (Not your usual crowd for a van and I couldn't help but wonder what conference I missed.) This is when John realizes that we are in a 10 minute parking spot and we have to find somewhere else to park. He takes his foot off the clutch we roll forward a titch and thud- front right tire fell into a massive pothole. This would have been child's play for a truck- but we are not in a truck- we are in a Mini. It as good as swallowed us whole. Stuck! (as Jody my niece appropriately would say when see was first talking and getting into binds.) He let out a sigh of frustration- I laughed. Then we experienced the greatest thing possible. I can honestly say I've lived a Mentos commercial! (Minus the Mentos). Remember all those tough guys that had just piled out of the van? Yep you guessed it. They saw our predicament and just surrounded the front end of the car, picked us up and pushed us back and on our way. We just sat in the car and watched as they picked us up and saved the day. It was GREAT!
We manage to find a real parking spot without much more excitement (except my heart rate elevating with his driving style). Dinner was a short jaunt away and I was happy to be using my feet the rest of the way. Sitabello is a favorite spot- true Italian pizza that I'm sure I never would have appreciated if I had not been to Italy to know authentic first hand. He being a self proclaimed "foodie" agreed in its quality adding more validity to its goodness. Please may I never eat another meal with a foodie. How you eat seems as important as what you eat. I didn't even finish the salad (which is not like me) because how he approached eating. This requires actions to describe and well- this is a blog so it just can't be described. He wasn't condescending about it per se- just particular? Anyway...
I decided some fresh ground pepper sounded like an excellent addition to my pizza ( note- this is my first pizza in months! - but that is another story). One twist of the pepper and AHH! The whole top popped off and 3/4 of the bottle of whole pepper corns ended up on my pizza. REALLY? The next 5 minutes I spent picking out the pepper corns so my pizza is eatable. Finally it is rescued and I am enjoying its deliciousness.
The next hour is relatively unremarkable. I let him talk all he wanted, content to mostly keep my peace. (Not a good sign for how a date is going if I don't feel like talking.) We went for a little walk where he pointed out all his favorite restaurants in the near vicinity including the chiefs, owners, and the date of when the stew is coming back onto the menu. But lets get back to the real story line!
Now it is time for dessert! Gelato- really a most fabulous addition to the world. A little dab will do ya. Content to eat my chocolate hazelnut gelato with bits of nuts to chew I sit down and begin to thoroughly enjoy the rich flavors when... CRUNCH. Crunch? That can't be right. So I start to spit out something hard into my napkin. (Unless your eating watermelon spitting food out on a date is an awkward business.) Black plastic bits? Now we have to talk to management and they pull the gelato from the shelf and there is talk about refunds, free pints, etc... In the end we just let it be and left.
By now- I'll be honest -I'm ready to go home. I'm not feeling any magic and my desire and ability to be fun and entertaining on dates that aren't going anywhere is nil these days. We make our way back to the Mini. At which point I think I had been exaggerating to myself how ridiculous he seemed to fit into it, only to have a little moment of glee when he gets back in and think "nope, I wasn't exaggerating". During this little conversation with myself I was distracted enough to miss the cause of his frustrated mutter under his breath. I look over and see him turn the key, foot on the clutch, with no resulting purr of engine. A big frustrated sigh from him and a short explanation revealed he left the lights on and the battery is dead. At this point I honestly laughed out loud. Of Course the Battery is Dead! This is a Heather date and really- at this point- WHAT ARE THE ODDS? About this time he seemed to hang his head down in defeat. I pipe in that it isn't that big of a deal. We are walking distance- 5 blocks or so- from my house. I have jumper cables in my car and all will be fine in no time. We get out from the car and start walking and I just feel a dark cloud hanging over him. I laugh and said "I am just glad I'm not the one with the pit in my stomach." He didn't respond well to that- to which I relied "Oh come on! How many perfectly smooth and unmemorable dates have you been on? This is fantastic- an adventure- Sure to be quite memorable for days on end." I got an acknowledgement for that one- but I still don't think he bought into it.
Somehow we managed to get to my car without further incident but by the time we arrived at where the Mini sat all the parking spots next to it where taken (we are parked diagonally on the street). The battery was at the end next to the sidewalk. Again dark stormy cloud begins to reappear... "No problem" I say, "I've got it covered." At which point I pull into a nearby driveway and use it to get to the sidewalk and just drive in downtown Salt Lake up the sidewalk until I can park half on park strip and half sidewalk with the hood of my car kissing the parking meter, just close enough for the cables to reach. (I loved watching people's faces as they walked by.)
In no time the Mini was purring again and I'm ready to back down the sidewalk and return home to end a most memorable date. But he wanted to see me home... The rest of the story is filled with an awkward what do you think of me conversation, a great ex story that trumps any dating story I have in my repertoire, and a final retreat home to end one of the greatest Classic dates I can remember. Before I went to bed I sent him a text which read- Thanks for night out with great stories to go home and tell my roommates about. I'm not sure how that went over...
And there you have it! Hope it put a smile on your face!
John Doe- arrived on time to pick me up for an evening of fine dining and entertainment. I was to later learn that he did a bit of homework before our first date. He talked with several mutual friends to get the "dirt" on me. As far as I know all he got was that I am a physical therapist, dancer, Sunday school teacher, and that I am loud. Not sure how keen I am on being labelled as loud as my descriptor- But, I have to admit I can get excited about things and lose track of my volume. I on the other hand knew as little as I knew when we met at the Iron and Wine concert. Forward, confident (perhaps too confident), and obviously different passions in life as physical appearance revealed. I highly doubted any sparks would fly but, I was willing to go and give it a whirl. ( And I am ever so glad I did because the story is a new favorite of mine.) I was laughing inside the whole night because it was classic for Heather- even my roommates thought it was a true "What are the Odds" night- somewhat- to be expected rather than surprising.
John stands close to 6 feet with more of a broader rather than slender frame. So I thought it perhaps an odder choice of vehicles when we walked up to his Mini. Sure enough the mild contortions he did to get in to the car and the knees he ate while driving made me tilt my head to the side and think "huh". Apparently he hadn't had the car very long and that explained the less than smooth ride that honestly made me a little nervous. To cap off my nervousness we cut off a 12 person van sliding just ahead and slipped neatly into a parking spot right in front of them. Mini verses 12 person van- outcome not in our favor. Just as we stopped the 12 person van pulled right up along side us in a driveway and stopped. I had a momentary fear of road rage at its finest as 8-10 30-40 year old men with their serious tattoos, sun glasses and walk like you mean it attitude came pouring out of the van. (Not your usual crowd for a van and I couldn't help but wonder what conference I missed.) This is when John realizes that we are in a 10 minute parking spot and we have to find somewhere else to park. He takes his foot off the clutch we roll forward a titch and thud- front right tire fell into a massive pothole. This would have been child's play for a truck- but we are not in a truck- we are in a Mini. It as good as swallowed us whole. Stuck! (as Jody my niece appropriately would say when see was first talking and getting into binds.) He let out a sigh of frustration- I laughed. Then we experienced the greatest thing possible. I can honestly say I've lived a Mentos commercial! (Minus the Mentos). Remember all those tough guys that had just piled out of the van? Yep you guessed it. They saw our predicament and just surrounded the front end of the car, picked us up and pushed us back and on our way. We just sat in the car and watched as they picked us up and saved the day. It was GREAT!
We manage to find a real parking spot without much more excitement (except my heart rate elevating with his driving style). Dinner was a short jaunt away and I was happy to be using my feet the rest of the way. Sitabello is a favorite spot- true Italian pizza that I'm sure I never would have appreciated if I had not been to Italy to know authentic first hand. He being a self proclaimed "foodie" agreed in its quality adding more validity to its goodness. Please may I never eat another meal with a foodie. How you eat seems as important as what you eat. I didn't even finish the salad (which is not like me) because how he approached eating. This requires actions to describe and well- this is a blog so it just can't be described. He wasn't condescending about it per se- just particular? Anyway...
I decided some fresh ground pepper sounded like an excellent addition to my pizza ( note- this is my first pizza in months! - but that is another story). One twist of the pepper and AHH! The whole top popped off and 3/4 of the bottle of whole pepper corns ended up on my pizza. REALLY? The next 5 minutes I spent picking out the pepper corns so my pizza is eatable. Finally it is rescued and I am enjoying its deliciousness.
The next hour is relatively unremarkable. I let him talk all he wanted, content to mostly keep my peace. (Not a good sign for how a date is going if I don't feel like talking.) We went for a little walk where he pointed out all his favorite restaurants in the near vicinity including the chiefs, owners, and the date of when the stew is coming back onto the menu. But lets get back to the real story line!
Now it is time for dessert! Gelato- really a most fabulous addition to the world. A little dab will do ya. Content to eat my chocolate hazelnut gelato with bits of nuts to chew I sit down and begin to thoroughly enjoy the rich flavors when... CRUNCH. Crunch? That can't be right. So I start to spit out something hard into my napkin. (Unless your eating watermelon spitting food out on a date is an awkward business.) Black plastic bits? Now we have to talk to management and they pull the gelato from the shelf and there is talk about refunds, free pints, etc... In the end we just let it be and left.
By now- I'll be honest -I'm ready to go home. I'm not feeling any magic and my desire and ability to be fun and entertaining on dates that aren't going anywhere is nil these days. We make our way back to the Mini. At which point I think I had been exaggerating to myself how ridiculous he seemed to fit into it, only to have a little moment of glee when he gets back in and think "nope, I wasn't exaggerating". During this little conversation with myself I was distracted enough to miss the cause of his frustrated mutter under his breath. I look over and see him turn the key, foot on the clutch, with no resulting purr of engine. A big frustrated sigh from him and a short explanation revealed he left the lights on and the battery is dead. At this point I honestly laughed out loud. Of Course the Battery is Dead! This is a Heather date and really- at this point- WHAT ARE THE ODDS? About this time he seemed to hang his head down in defeat. I pipe in that it isn't that big of a deal. We are walking distance- 5 blocks or so- from my house. I have jumper cables in my car and all will be fine in no time. We get out from the car and start walking and I just feel a dark cloud hanging over him. I laugh and said "I am just glad I'm not the one with the pit in my stomach." He didn't respond well to that- to which I relied "Oh come on! How many perfectly smooth and unmemorable dates have you been on? This is fantastic- an adventure- Sure to be quite memorable for days on end." I got an acknowledgement for that one- but I still don't think he bought into it.
Somehow we managed to get to my car without further incident but by the time we arrived at where the Mini sat all the parking spots next to it where taken (we are parked diagonally on the street). The battery was at the end next to the sidewalk. Again dark stormy cloud begins to reappear... "No problem" I say, "I've got it covered." At which point I pull into a nearby driveway and use it to get to the sidewalk and just drive in downtown Salt Lake up the sidewalk until I can park half on park strip and half sidewalk with the hood of my car kissing the parking meter, just close enough for the cables to reach. (I loved watching people's faces as they walked by.)
In no time the Mini was purring again and I'm ready to back down the sidewalk and return home to end a most memorable date. But he wanted to see me home... The rest of the story is filled with an awkward what do you think of me conversation, a great ex story that trumps any dating story I have in my repertoire, and a final retreat home to end one of the greatest Classic dates I can remember. Before I went to bed I sent him a text which read- Thanks for night out with great stories to go home and tell my roommates about. I'm not sure how that went over...
And there you have it! Hope it put a smile on your face!
Sunday, September 13, 2009
The Sacrament
I am sure the day will come when I again take for granted taking the Sacrament every week for granted. However that day will be far from where I am now. I expect this new employment/schedule will last quite awhile- meaning I only get to take the Sacrament every other week- indefinitely. I never realized how my soul needs and craves that renewal. I have no rational words to explain or even understand what I feel- It just IS. I am nearly in tears by the time the Sacrament reaches me when I am in the chapel. I am grateful to say the least. It is hard to watch the volunteers at work walk past with the trays of bread and water for the patients in the hospital and know that it isn't stopping for me. It seems somewhat of a miracle when I'm at church and the tray stops just for me. Powerful. Our God recognizes us individually! I remember going to Easter Mass one year and they rebaptize the congregation. They walk around flicking water at the congregation in whole and ta dah- you are all rebaptized! Just not the same.
Today I pondered how grateful I am for worthy Priesthood who bless and pass- because without them it wouldn't matter if I was at church on Sunday because the Sacrament would be as inaccessible as is if I was working. Thank you!
Then I began to ponder those whose country- etc- deny the opportunity to participate in the Sacrament- my heart yearned for them. I yearned for their freedom to participate in the ordinances our souls need- because I have learned we DO need it. I offered a sincere prayer with a new heart and desire on behalf of my brothers and sisters in Christ who are in situations where they are denied the Sacrament that the ordinance may be available to all who desire it. I am also grateful for the Atonement to enable people who are denied the sacrament for poor choices to return to its peaceful, nurturing, and uplifting joys.
I am grateful for my new understanding and appreciation. I wish I had a heart that could learn these profound lessons without experiencing them front and center. But, even Christ learned through experience and that is the point of this life... to experience, to KNOW the good from the evil. Therefore, I accept my lot and the experiences that expand my knowledge, increase my wisdom and increase my gratitude. God in his infinite wisdom knows what I need to experience and endure to grow in light and truth. Everyone's path is different but in the end, if we follow Christ we end up in the same place. And that is a great place and the ultimate goal.
Today I pondered how grateful I am for worthy Priesthood who bless and pass- because without them it wouldn't matter if I was at church on Sunday because the Sacrament would be as inaccessible as is if I was working. Thank you!
Then I began to ponder those whose country- etc- deny the opportunity to participate in the Sacrament- my heart yearned for them. I yearned for their freedom to participate in the ordinances our souls need- because I have learned we DO need it. I offered a sincere prayer with a new heart and desire on behalf of my brothers and sisters in Christ who are in situations where they are denied the Sacrament that the ordinance may be available to all who desire it. I am also grateful for the Atonement to enable people who are denied the sacrament for poor choices to return to its peaceful, nurturing, and uplifting joys.
I am grateful for my new understanding and appreciation. I wish I had a heart that could learn these profound lessons without experiencing them front and center. But, even Christ learned through experience and that is the point of this life... to experience, to KNOW the good from the evil. Therefore, I accept my lot and the experiences that expand my knowledge, increase my wisdom and increase my gratitude. God in his infinite wisdom knows what I need to experience and endure to grow in light and truth. Everyone's path is different but in the end, if we follow Christ we end up in the same place. And that is a great place and the ultimate goal.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Subway
I am not feeling particularly witty or narrative this evening. I just returned from a trip to Zion National Park where I hiked the Subway with some "friends". You may question the quotation marks- trust me they were good people- I just didn't know them previously. After 3 days and 2 nights of road trip, camping, hiking- you get to know people. I wanted to go- an opportunity presented itself so I jumped on it. Everything turned out great- except for leaving my purse at the Subway restaurant in Spanish Fork so I had no money, camera, or Book of Mormon for the whole trip. I was the beggar of the trip. The purse was returned in the end so no real harm done- and all debts paid in full. No offense to the group but it just couldn't compare to the Havasupai crowd. I felt i had signed up for somewhat of a reunion for a BYU ward I was not a part of. Beggars can't be choosers and we have already established my beggar status.
I love the red rock of Southern Utah
I don't love eating at Taco Bell
I love hiking
I don't love my knees telling me I am not as young as I used to be
I love Dutch oven dinners
I don't love driving to Southern Utah without air conditioning
I love talking and laughing late at night in a tent
I don't love bug invasions
I love adding to my list of firsts
The Subway is a hot and cold sandwich. A hot hike in the sun to start followed by repelling and swimming through FREEZING water. The kind that your muscles start to loose function because the blood starts retreating to protect the core and resultingly your coordination required more concentration than usual. Hiking in and out of the stream until you reach the actual Subway portion. Before we were able to drive off in the sun I thought my jaw would be sore the next day because my teeth were chattering so bad. But the beauty is spectacular so the mind has some diversion. In this sandwich the hot is the bread on either side. The last few miles practically full sun with switchbacks to top it off. I am grateful for the stairs I take daily at work because the switchbacks full of stairs was pretty easy. (I counted up the stairs I take at work and to go from lower level 2 to the 11th floor is 1008 stairs.) When all was said and done we hiked close to 10 miles and I was ready to change out of my swimsuit.
Pictures are supposed to come out on facebook- when they do I will post some. Otherwise a short day hike to the emerald pools, a drive out to Grafton the ghost town, some games, and a drive through the tunnel sums up the last three days. I give it a "good" rating for a trip.
I love the red rock of Southern Utah
I don't love eating at Taco Bell
I love hiking
I don't love my knees telling me I am not as young as I used to be
I love Dutch oven dinners
I don't love driving to Southern Utah without air conditioning
I love talking and laughing late at night in a tent
I don't love bug invasions
I love adding to my list of firsts
The Subway is a hot and cold sandwich. A hot hike in the sun to start followed by repelling and swimming through FREEZING water. The kind that your muscles start to loose function because the blood starts retreating to protect the core and resultingly your coordination required more concentration than usual. Hiking in and out of the stream until you reach the actual Subway portion. Before we were able to drive off in the sun I thought my jaw would be sore the next day because my teeth were chattering so bad. But the beauty is spectacular so the mind has some diversion. In this sandwich the hot is the bread on either side. The last few miles practically full sun with switchbacks to top it off. I am grateful for the stairs I take daily at work because the switchbacks full of stairs was pretty easy. (I counted up the stairs I take at work and to go from lower level 2 to the 11th floor is 1008 stairs.) When all was said and done we hiked close to 10 miles and I was ready to change out of my swimsuit.
Pictures are supposed to come out on facebook- when they do I will post some. Otherwise a short day hike to the emerald pools, a drive out to Grafton the ghost town, some games, and a drive through the tunnel sums up the last three days. I give it a "good" rating for a trip.
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