Saturday, November 8, 2008

Writer's Block and Love

I found myself staring blankly on an empty blog screen last night pondering why I had nothing to say. Nothing was coming. Not that I haven't had anything happening, I just realized I didn't want to write about it. As a general rule- I do not blog about boys/dates unless they are years removed. Just a bad idea to begin with and that is one the few areas of my life I choose to keep more to myself. I'm not a fan of politics and get involved typically out of a social/moral duty but otherwise would rather stay away from that topic. Especially with Prop 8- Watching the beginning of the end... End of the democratic process- with the SF mayor deciding he doesn't care about the will of the people he is going to do it his own way anyway. End of the beautiful period of peace the members of the church has had as the world rises up against us... I am just thankful for the Book of Mormon- it is a vital source of strength! I am still waiting for the right pieces to come together for a new work scenario. And I am tired of complaining about it. So I haven't wanted to write about that either. I did go down after work yesterday to the Salt Lake Ballet Conservatory and talked to the dancers, gave advice, and answered questions in exchange for dance classes. I was amazed how happy I was doing it. I didn't even notice the time pass and I was happy sitting down on a Friday night at the computer afterward putting together an info sheet for the dancers. As soon as I walked into the studio I found myself standing a little taller and breathing a little easier as the weight of the day start to lift. I didn't mind how late I was there and I wanted to come back soon when I left. What a contrast to my current job that drains the life out of me and I can't wait to leave. I know I liked being a physical therapist- I just don't like the current implementation. So maybe I don't have a dream day job but I'm hoping to weasel my way in the door to have a great side job- maybe I can even work it so I can get paid in more than just dance classes. It has been interesting as I have been looking into finding a new job I have started hearing for the first time from various sources that my name is being recognized by doctors and referral sources as being a good therapist. Frustrated to realize I have begun to make a name for myself somewhere just as I'm trying to leave it. It took me 2 1/2 years to gain this respect and it is hard to think of leaving it and starting over. Although, I may still be there for a while yet. I'm not sure when things will come together for a change...

Can you understand why I had writers block last night? I like to write to document my life and to unravel something insightful to share or that inspires my mind and I was bone dry. But today is different. I am chewing on a thought I had yesterday... True to form- when I'm chewing on something my blog becomes the sounding board. I was trying to understand why I feel like I'm not accomplishing much in my life. This has been a conundrum for awhile. How can I feel this way when I spend my whole week helping restore people to function and reduced pain. When I travel to see the world, when I read, write, exercise, listen and talk to others, learn new skills... Constantly seeking to not waste my time and become better. How do I still feel like my life is slipping away and I'm missing the boat somehow? What makes a successful life?-- The answer is one I've heard many times before but never understood or perhaps ever really believed. Plain and simple it is all about LOVE. A successful life is one that is full of love. A life of giving and receiving love is the best life of all. It fills in all the cracks and makes beautiful and expansive what was plain and small. Love is elevating, enabling, and ennobling to all involved. Love creates, heals, inspires and softens. Love gives purpose and direction. Everything else is icing on the cake when you love. Apparently, I'm eating a lot of icing and not getting much cake! No wonder I don't feel great... So the question I'm left with is how do I change my life toward love, while single, so I feel fulfilled? I may be able to prattle off some answers but I don't think it is that easy. I need to make some honest changes- how I think, approach activities, responsibilities, friends... It is so easy to be selfish when your single. I'm not thinking this change will be easy. In fact I have a sneaky suspicion I will start and stop a lot. But I need to try. Otherwise I'll realize how much precious time I have wasted being unhappy and wish I had changed. Life is too short to waste!

1 comment:

qb said...

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It's a nice insight. If the point of our existence is to become like God, we should definitely work on having his attributes. Since omniscience is probably unattainable, loving like He loves is a good thing to work towards. Loving others blesses the whole world and purifies ourselves.