As I sat down at my computer tonight, I felt like it has been a long time since I've last written. Like I've been estranged. There has been so much chaos in my head this last week I have felt distanced from many things. But as T Rex was loading my blog (sometimes it takes a little longer than others) I felt a quiet calm and comforting feeling. I suppose my blog has become a trusted friend- a safe and enjoyable place to visit. I am grateful for the peace I feel right now. I went to a fireside tonight and Elder Ballard spoke- the noise and anxiety in my heart and mind made it difficult at times to hear, but the spirit was there. (Hard for it not to be when there is an apostle of Jesus Christ speaking.) I caught a few precious pieces of his comments but more importantly- I left with peace. The spirit was present and it had enough time to work on me that I left with what I needed, peace. This is yet another confirmation of the truthfulness of the gospel. I was positively changed by the spirit of the Lord which was present to testify the truth of the words of a man of God. The gospel truly has power to change us if we are willing. And- I have never yet been anything but grateful for the changes it has brought.
If anyone has followed my blog long enough- which there may be a handful, amazingly enough- you might remember a scathing review and reminiscence I rendered after attending the ballet. I am about to write a contradictory statement to ones previously mentioned. I was given free dance classes in exchange for my help with the dancers. On Wednesday night I pulled out from the depths of my bed a black leotard, pink tights and my old pair of ballet slippers. I was amazed at how I felt as I donned the classic seamed tights. I felt like I was coming home. Returning to something I had loved but forgotten. As I entered the studio and put my hand on the barre and looked at the mirrors and space filled with potential I felt like I was where I belonged. Not that ballet will ever be my favorite but it is not the ugly step-child I sometimes try to make it out to be. I learned a lot in the years at the barre- it help to shape who I am for the better and it was really good to return. I am a little slow and weak but it's still there. And it felt really good. I felt like a dancer- and I love feeling that way. I am happiest when I feel like a dancer. A lot of people don't know that side of me and that makes me sad. I remember a time when everyone thought I was a dance major and were shocked to find out I wasn't. Now it's the opposite, people are shocked I am a dancer- or don't really believe me. But that is besides the point. The point is, I surprised myself with how much I enjoyed donning the pink tights. I even bought myself a new pair of ballet shoes this week so I don't rip off a chunk of my toe again next time because my other shoes are too old. But what is ballet without some skin loss?
Work- that is still a conundrum. One of several things I find myself perseverating about. Although I am finding my work endurance increasing- it wasn't until late Thursday that I was "done" with work, I do notice that it is coming at a cost. I feel myself getting "harder" and less open inside. Alas- I have a feeling I will be at my quest for the right change for awhile. And as my good friend says- perhaps what you really need is a change of attitude. If you could take my commute out, give me a consistent lunch break and paperwork time, add in a little continuing ed support I would have nothing to complain about.
I find the night is waning and although I would like to write a bit more, I have other needs to address. I suppose I will forever be in the pursuit of time.