As I sat down at my computer tonight, I felt like it has been a long time since I've last written. Like I've been estranged. There has been so much chaos in my head this last week I have felt distanced from many things. But as T Rex was loading my blog (sometimes it takes a little longer than others) I felt a quiet calm and comforting feeling. I suppose my blog has become a trusted friend- a safe and enjoyable place to visit. I am grateful for the peace I feel right now. I went to a fireside tonight and Elder Ballard spoke- the noise and anxiety in my heart and mind made it difficult at times to hear, but the spirit was there. (Hard for it not to be when there is an apostle of Jesus Christ speaking.) I caught a few precious pieces of his comments but more importantly- I left with peace. The spirit was present and it had enough time to work on me that I left with what I needed, peace. This is yet another confirmation of the truthfulness of the gospel. I was positively changed by the spirit of the Lord which was present to testify the truth of the words of a man of God. The gospel truly has power to change us if we are willing. And- I have never yet been anything but grateful for the changes it has brought.
If anyone has followed my blog long enough- which there may be a handful, amazingly enough- you might remember a scathing review and reminiscence I rendered after attending the ballet. I am about to write a contradictory statement to ones previously mentioned. I was given free dance classes in exchange for my help with the dancers. On Wednesday night I pulled out from the depths of my bed a black leotard, pink tights and my old pair of ballet slippers. I was amazed at how I felt as I donned the classic seamed tights. I felt like I was coming home. Returning to something I had loved but forgotten. As I entered the studio and put my hand on the barre and looked at the mirrors and space filled with potential I felt like I was where I belonged. Not that ballet will ever be my favorite but it is not the ugly step-child I sometimes try to make it out to be. I learned a lot in the years at the barre- it help to shape who I am for the better and it was really good to return. I am a little slow and weak but it's still there. And it felt really good. I felt like a dancer- and I love feeling that way. I am happiest when I feel like a dancer. A lot of people don't know that side of me and that makes me sad. I remember a time when everyone thought I was a dance major and were shocked to find out I wasn't. Now it's the opposite, people are shocked I am a dancer- or don't really believe me. But that is besides the point. The point is, I surprised myself with how much I enjoyed donning the pink tights. I even bought myself a new pair of ballet shoes this week so I don't rip off a chunk of my toe again next time because my other shoes are too old. But what is ballet without some skin loss?
Work- that is still a conundrum. One of several things I find myself perseverating about. Although I am finding my work endurance increasing- it wasn't until late Thursday that I was "done" with work, I do notice that it is coming at a cost. I feel myself getting "harder" and less open inside. Alas- I have a feeling I will be at my quest for the right change for awhile. And as my good friend says- perhaps what you really need is a change of attitude. If you could take my commute out, give me a consistent lunch break and paperwork time, add in a little continuing ed support I would have nothing to complain about.
I find the night is waning and although I would like to write a bit more, I have other needs to address. I suppose I will forever be in the pursuit of time.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Erring on the Side of Action
I thought I was done blogging, but, this story has kept coming to my mind for over a week. I might not have peace until I write it. Not sure of its significance and I feel sheepish about it for several reasons. Not the kind of story I typically publish as a blog. I have not put the research into this story as I should have- getting the circumstances and details to be sure I am not expounding false information. So major disclaimer before I start! It is paraphrased and more than second hand. But regardless of the details, I believe the principles are sound.
Last month I was talking with my brother and he shared this story. Elder Uchtdorf was interviewing men to reorganize a stake presidency. One of the men he interviewed sat down and during the course of the interview simply stated- I already know that I will be in the presidency- the spirit has already told me. Elder Uchtdorf was surprised and speechless and remained quiet for awhile seeking understanding for the situation. Then the gift of discernment came and he understood. He responded- You are not quite right. The spirit told you that you are worthy to be in the stake presidency but at that point you stopped listening. Otherwise you would have heard the but. But it is not now. Here was a man close to and willing to hear the spirit- but- he missed some. How often do I fail to get the whole message? How much more is the Lord trying to tell me? Whether I stopped listening mid-sentence or I received counsel for how to proceed and then stopped listening when it was time for that counsel to change. I am sure I am guilty at times of both accounts. But, I am grateful for the Lord who knows our hearts and desires and has many ways to reach out to his children. I am not sure if the impetus to write this story is my own or from the spirit. As a rule, if I don't know I choose to err on the side of action. So there you have it...
Last month I was talking with my brother and he shared this story. Elder Uchtdorf was interviewing men to reorganize a stake presidency. One of the men he interviewed sat down and during the course of the interview simply stated- I already know that I will be in the presidency- the spirit has already told me. Elder Uchtdorf was surprised and speechless and remained quiet for awhile seeking understanding for the situation. Then the gift of discernment came and he understood. He responded- You are not quite right. The spirit told you that you are worthy to be in the stake presidency but at that point you stopped listening. Otherwise you would have heard the but. But it is not now. Here was a man close to and willing to hear the spirit- but- he missed some. How often do I fail to get the whole message? How much more is the Lord trying to tell me? Whether I stopped listening mid-sentence or I received counsel for how to proceed and then stopped listening when it was time for that counsel to change. I am sure I am guilty at times of both accounts. But, I am grateful for the Lord who knows our hearts and desires and has many ways to reach out to his children. I am not sure if the impetus to write this story is my own or from the spirit. As a rule, if I don't know I choose to err on the side of action. So there you have it...
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Whirly Twirly Autumn Leaves
Today was the perfect Autumn day! How lucky that it landed on a Saturday. After snow and ice earlier this week, mother nature showed her love by a sunny "warm" fall day. The kind that encourages taking time for the present and gratitude. This weekend was my time to take control of the mess the whirly twirly leaves left at the house. I knew it would take a couple of hours... Have you ever noticed how your "2 hour" Saturday projects always wind up as double? I greatly underestimated the size of the task- bagging leaves with only one person takes a long time! I wished my roommates were home to help bag- I considered calling someone for help- but didn't know how that would go over. So being the big girl I am, I did it all alone. It may have been more fun and less time consuming if I had help- but I would have to share the bragging rights. (Which last only till tomorrow when more leaves fall- but the majority had already taken their bow.) 
Mid project. I raked the driveways, walkways, gutters in the street, sidewalk, lawn where the chestnuts where because they would chew up the lawn mower, mowed the lawn to pick up the rest of the leaves- had to stop and buy gas for the lawn mower half way through- and swept up after to finish it off. 4 hours later...
I was too tired to smile for the camera. But very pleased with a job well done. Nothing like exercise the old fashion way (although I did take a yoga class 2 hours later). I like to work outside and in the yard. It allowed me to enjoy the entire beautiful day by being outside in it, where I should and wanted to be, rather than from a window- and that is more than something to be grateful for.
In the end- 13 bags of leaves- a slight back ache- and an entire garbage container (the huge collection can) full of grass and leaf clippings.
But it looks great!! And two of my roommates noticed when they came home and made a big deal over the work I put in- and that feels pretty good too. My to do list has some unchecked items on it- but it was worth it. Today was my ode in action to Whirly Twirly Autumn Leaves!
Mid project. I raked the driveways, walkways, gutters in the street, sidewalk, lawn where the chestnuts where because they would chew up the lawn mower, mowed the lawn to pick up the rest of the leaves- had to stop and buy gas for the lawn mower half way through- and swept up after to finish it off. 4 hours later...
I was too tired to smile for the camera. But very pleased with a job well done. Nothing like exercise the old fashion way (although I did take a yoga class 2 hours later). I like to work outside and in the yard. It allowed me to enjoy the entire beautiful day by being outside in it, where I should and wanted to be, rather than from a window- and that is more than something to be grateful for.
In the end- 13 bags of leaves- a slight back ache- and an entire garbage container (the huge collection can) full of grass and leaf clippings.
But it looks great!! And two of my roommates noticed when they came home and made a big deal over the work I put in- and that feels pretty good too. My to do list has some unchecked items on it- but it was worth it. Today was my ode in action to Whirly Twirly Autumn Leaves!
Writer's Block and Love
I found myself staring blankly on an empty blog screen last night pondering why I had nothing to say. Nothing was coming. Not that I haven't had anything happening, I just realized I didn't want to write about it. As a general rule- I do not blog about boys/dates unless they are years removed. Just a bad idea to begin with and that is one the few areas of my life I choose to keep more to myself. I'm not a fan of politics and get involved typically out of a social/moral duty but otherwise would rather stay away from that topic. Especially with Prop 8- Watching the beginning of the end... End of the democratic process- with the SF mayor deciding he doesn't care about the will of the people he is going to do it his own way anyway. End of the beautiful period of peace the members of the church has had as the world rises up against us... I am just thankful for the Book of Mormon- it is a vital source of strength! I am still waiting for the right pieces to come together for a new work scenario. And I am tired of complaining about it. So I haven't wanted to write about that either. I did go down after work yesterday to the Salt Lake Ballet Conservatory and talked to the dancers, gave advice, and answered questions in exchange for dance classes. I was amazed how happy I was doing it. I didn't even notice the time pass and I was happy sitting down on a Friday night at the computer afterward putting together an info sheet for the dancers. As soon as I walked into the studio I found myself standing a little taller and breathing a little easier as the weight of the day start to lift. I didn't mind how late I was there and I wanted to come back soon when I left. What a contrast to my current job that drains the life out of me and I can't wait to leave. I know I liked being a physical therapist- I just don't like the current implementation. So maybe I don't have a dream day job but I'm hoping to weasel my way in the door to have a great side job- maybe I can even work it so I can get paid in more than just dance classes. It has been interesting as I have been looking into finding a new job I have started hearing for the first time from various sources that my name is being recognized by doctors and referral sources as being a good therapist. Frustrated to realize I have begun to make a name for myself somewhere just as I'm trying to leave it. It took me 2 1/2 years to gain this respect and it is hard to think of leaving it and starting over. Although, I may still be there for a while yet. I'm not sure when things will come together for a change...
Can you understand why I had writers block last night? I like to write to document my life and to unravel something insightful to share or that inspires my mind and I was bone dry. But today is different. I am chewing on a thought I had yesterday... True to form- when I'm chewing on something my blog becomes the sounding board. I was trying to understand why I feel like I'm not accomplishing much in my life. This has been a conundrum for awhile. How can I feel this way when I spend my whole week helping restore people to function and reduced pain. When I travel to see the world, when I read, write, exercise, listen and talk to others, learn new skills... Constantly seeking to not waste my time and become better. How do I still feel like my life is slipping away and I'm missing the boat somehow? What makes a successful life?-- The answer is one I've heard many times before but never understood or perhaps ever really believed. Plain and simple it is all about LOVE. A successful life is one that is full of love. A life of giving and receiving love is the best life of all. It fills in all the cracks and makes beautiful and expansive what was plain and small. Love is elevating, enabling, and ennobling to all involved. Love creates, heals, inspires and softens. Love gives purpose and direction. Everything else is icing on the cake when you love. Apparently, I'm eating a lot of icing and not getting much cake! No wonder I don't feel great... So the question I'm left with is how do I change my life toward love, while single, so I feel fulfilled? I may be able to prattle off some answers but I don't think it is that easy. I need to make some honest changes- how I think, approach activities, responsibilities, friends... It is so easy to be selfish when your single. I'm not thinking this change will be easy. In fact I have a sneaky suspicion I will start and stop a lot. But I need to try. Otherwise I'll realize how much precious time I have wasted being unhappy and wish I had changed. Life is too short to waste!
Can you understand why I had writers block last night? I like to write to document my life and to unravel something insightful to share or that inspires my mind and I was bone dry. But today is different. I am chewing on a thought I had yesterday... True to form- when I'm chewing on something my blog becomes the sounding board. I was trying to understand why I feel like I'm not accomplishing much in my life. This has been a conundrum for awhile. How can I feel this way when I spend my whole week helping restore people to function and reduced pain. When I travel to see the world, when I read, write, exercise, listen and talk to others, learn new skills... Constantly seeking to not waste my time and become better. How do I still feel like my life is slipping away and I'm missing the boat somehow? What makes a successful life?-- The answer is one I've heard many times before but never understood or perhaps ever really believed. Plain and simple it is all about LOVE. A successful life is one that is full of love. A life of giving and receiving love is the best life of all. It fills in all the cracks and makes beautiful and expansive what was plain and small. Love is elevating, enabling, and ennobling to all involved. Love creates, heals, inspires and softens. Love gives purpose and direction. Everything else is icing on the cake when you love. Apparently, I'm eating a lot of icing and not getting much cake! No wonder I don't feel great... So the question I'm left with is how do I change my life toward love, while single, so I feel fulfilled? I may be able to prattle off some answers but I don't think it is that easy. I need to make some honest changes- how I think, approach activities, responsibilities, friends... It is so easy to be selfish when your single. I'm not thinking this change will be easy. In fact I have a sneaky suspicion I will start and stop a lot. But I need to try. Otherwise I'll realize how much precious time I have wasted being unhappy and wish I had changed. Life is too short to waste!
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Halloween- the old fashion way
With my inbox littered with Halloween party invites, I found myself uninspired to attend any of them. I find Halloween a dichotomous experience. On one hand it is fall, festive, excited happy children, and an opportunity to create and express. On the other hand, it is dark, bloody, and explores evil and frightening elements. Celebrating that which we shun on any other day. I also feel a unspoken pressure, probably self created, to be witty, clever, original, or just down right spendy and transform into...ta da! Whatever your- ta da- might be. I like to get dressed up now and then, and, I don't mind costumes, but my brain just doesn't think- I want to be a Care Bear- or Tina Turner! Call me unimaginative or cheap- but coming up with a Halloween costume is not my forte. Although, I truly appreciate others joy and creations.
Some years I have donned a "costume", my version at least, and enjoyed making social appearances. This year, however, no dice. So I opted to spend the evening with family. Celebrating the night the old fashion way- trick or treating with children. And with who else? With nieces and nephews as cute as mine- who can resist?
Jacob was given a pair of fanged teeth and they were his favorite. But he had to take them out to eat.
On our way out the door to hit up the neighbors for some candy- a photo with my favorite trick or treaters was a must!
The lamb and I on our way with a view of expertly carved jack- o- lanterns.
Heather Kenna was given a sucker at one of the houses. She played and played with it- until Mom noticed she had broken through the wrapper and was really enjoying it. This is her not so happy face because Mom took it away.
We made a stop and David and Anginette's house where they were festive in their decorations. I loved this strange creature on their front porch.
Some years I have donned a "costume", my version at least, and enjoyed making social appearances. This year, however, no dice. So I opted to spend the evening with family. Celebrating the night the old fashion way- trick or treating with children. And with who else? With nieces and nephews as cute as mine- who can resist?
Jacob was given a pair of fanged teeth and they were his favorite. But he had to take them out to eat.
On our way out the door to hit up the neighbors for some candy- a photo with my favorite trick or treaters was a must!
The lamb and I on our way with a view of expertly carved jack- o- lanterns.
Heather Kenna was given a sucker at one of the houses. She played and played with it- until Mom noticed she had broken through the wrapper and was really enjoying it. This is her not so happy face because Mom took it away.
We made a stop and David and Anginette's house where they were festive in their decorations. I loved this strange creature on their front porch.
I loved watching the kids run ahead because they were so excited to get to the next house. Gaining more fuel at each stop to feed their sugar addiction. It was nice to have a night that wasn't about me. Just to enjoy family- spending precious moments together. It is a good reminder- family is what it truly important.
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