Sunday, November 22, 2009

31 and Counting

I know that a silly little number really doesn't mean anything... But then again, DO I know that? In all honesty I don't know that. In fact, the weight that number carries varies from totally insignificant to totally Significant. I don't notice my age by how I feel on the inside- the core spirit that is the true self- probably because that is the self that is eternal and thus never ages. But I do notice how much longer it takes me to warm up for dancing, yoga, etc- how much longer it takes to recover and how much my joints are noticing the years of abuse. I see my aging in what is and isn't important to me, how young others seem to be, and how I just don't relate to others in the same way. Lines in my face are beginning to make their debut performance and well I've had some grey hair since graduate school (however I don't think any new ones have appeared). I KNOW I am getting older. Is this a bad thing, scary thing, something to run and cry in shame, frustration, and anger? Well, no. It IS a sobering thing. Generally because I am not where I planned to be, wanted to be, or even thought could be an option. It is a good life- I'm am immensely grateful for all I have-- it is just different. And I don't have a good measure of time because one day blends and melds into the next and there is little to distinguish. Then I feel panicky because time feels like it is just slipping away. Perhaps having children helps to monitor aging in a way I don't have. You watch them change and grow before your eyes- seeing more clearly the passage time... A justification for the years. I look to see the justification for my years and I see someone renting an apt with roommates just as I was 10, 11, 12, 13 years ago... Living a good life- but... still... difficult to understand. Perhaps the number associated with my name and person leads me to act and decide things I may otherwise not. It has definitely become a factor in equations I am working through- When did that happen?

Many thoughts have run through my head as I come to finish this post- this wandering musing of life... But I am going to end it with what I need. with words of wisdom I hope I can take to heart. Trust God. Trust that He knows my life and what is needed and necessary to succeed. Remember that success is not measured by where you live, who you live with, what you do for work, how many children you have- but it is measured by your heart- your commitment to your covenants, how much you have loved, and what you have become and if you can honestly be called by Christ's name and voice and be numbered as one of his fold. And then help others along the way. These are the only justifications for years that matter.

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