Saturday, March 28, 2009


I want to know when I will let go believing I will one day "arrive". As in complete, whole, accomplished, figured out, understood... This is true in a large and small existential sense. I understand that the point if life is that we never "arrive" at all. We are constantly striving, learning, and perfecting ourselves- learning from the 360 degrees that surround us. There is no way to ever experience and understand it all. Logically and rationally my mind freely accepts and agrees. But I still find myself holding on to this idea that I will arrive- even if it is at a plateau until I reach for the next summit. Viewing life as an up and up stair like progression. What I am finding most frustrating are moments when I find myself staring up at an "arrival" I have already arrived at. What? But I've already climbed that- work done, case closed, pictures scrap booked, mission accomplished. Yet here I am again. How is this possible? Somehow in the maze of life I have returned to a corner I have already puzzled past. Was is a right or a left at the T? Ugh.

So maybe life is not so nice and neat as I want it to be. Not a checklist of lessons to learn/ experiences to have, or a staircase of arrivals in a vertical progression, or any other model of linear measurement. Nature teaches us life is cyclical, variable, and phasic. We don't "arrive" at spring having finished winter never to return. Does one winter teach me all I can learn from it? I guarantee I wished it had the first non-California winter I experienced. But, every time winter comes I am better prepared and it gets easier. I slowly build up warm clothes/winter gear, get used to driving in storms, put up curtains to retain the heat, and pick up winter sports (still working on that- but now that I have a non- ski team coat I can ski in, thanks to the REI garage sale, I am a step closer to that). Eventually winter is welcome. Returning to winter doesn't necessarily mean I've regressed or taken a wrong turn. Perhaps it is just a part of the cyclical nature of life's journey.

But the truth is, I am frustrated to find myself faced with the challenges I think should not be. I want to have arrived and be moving onward. Instead I fee.)l like I am staring at dishevelled jigsaw puzzle pieces of myself needing to put them together without a picture to guide me. Who am I? (How is it I am still asking the question of who am I?) What is my individual worth/ am I of worth? (After the last 2 years of allowing a few variables shape my unconscious thoughts into I am not good enough -no matter how I try. I've found myself looking squarely at my sense of worth.) Do I have anything to contribute to the world? Do I have anything worthwhile to contribute/attract a companion? (The older I become the more aware of my weaknesses I am and the less confident I am in answering this question.) How do I sit in stillness? What is my potential? How do I let go and live freely, joyfully? What am I holding on to that limits me? etc. How many times have I approached these questions before? And yet I find myself staring them down yet again. At 30 years of age one would hope I had a better grip on these. Am I alone in my quest to answer these questions, again, at this time of life? I am not too keen on the ebb and flow of life flowing them back my way.

The good news is- I like jigsaw puzzles. Just ask my mom. After a little time and attention to detail, soon you begin to see things more clearly and the pieces come together quickly. The good news is, is that after a long time of feeling stuck and directionless, things are finally starting to come together- things are coming in and out of my life (more out than in) clearing the air and bringing change allowing me to see where I couldn't before. I feel like the dam has finally broken and there is a lot of parched ground out there needing moisture. Okay- enough with the metaphors... I just understand and describe things better through them. In the end, I am actually at times happy to be where I am. I feel like it is a step forward. Despite the battle to let go of wanting to arrive or have already arrived, I am accepting that I am a work in progress. And- I think the final picture of my puzzle will be beautiful.

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