Tuesday, November 30, 2010

????

A little online discussion- I realize online probably isn't the most kosher place to have this discussion but I need to get it out of my head. I want out. And the more time passes the more I think about leaving. Leaving what? Utah. I never intended to live here but I found myself here in 2004, a little surprised. I gave God one year and then I was going to be gone. It's 2010 and guess who is still here? Yep, that would be me. Some days- like today, I think that I just don't want to be here. I am here because most of my family is here. I can help and be close. I am here because this where I have established my life with friends and hobbies. I am here because I have a good job working for the same company for 7 years. I am here because I don't know where I want to go. It seems ridiculous to want to move when I have so much here just because I want out of Utah. And there isn't anything particularly wrong with Utah- I just think about staying here and sometimes my skin wants to crawl. Why? I don't know. The only logical thought against Utah that I have is the winter and I am going to ski this season hopefully to like the winter. (I guess some trees would be nice.) Then there is the dating dilemma. Mormon dating over 30 is the pits. (Okay dating in general is the pits.) Not that I am finding any inspiring Mormon boys here- but the odds are really poor elsewhere. Anyway, logically it is really hard to convince myself that it is a great idea to move to an unknown destination just to relieve myself of my periodic scream that I don't want to be here. I feel like so much lately has been me waiting. I hate feeling like I'm waiting. I want to be moving and progressing. But I cannot find the "what or where" answer within me. If I don't know- who does?

2 comments:

SRA said...

You know. Ask. And commit to continue asking until you know too.

Dave and Anginette said...

After all the searching inside you hasn't returned results, I would extend again to your Heavenly Father. Better yet, commit to the answer you want and ask if it's right. You're here because you followed a prompting, if it's time to go-ask where next. Supportive family, good job, comfy place, and good friends are more than some people ever get in life. My vote would be stay close to the things that bring you most joy. If that's trees vs. family, so be it :) How about moving to a new place to try it out before leaping to a new city altogether? I've been thinking about you alot lately. Please write down your ultimate, can't-do-without lifetime goals and make sure your choices fall in line with those promises to yourself. Looking back, waiting's not so bad when the outcome is what you've always wanted instead of having regrets. -Ang