Lessons from a Basketball Game

It is so easy to see the different personalities, likes, talents, strengths and weaknesses in children. I was watching my nephew play in his 6 year old rec team basketball game tonight. There were the average slightly uncoordinated but involved kids, a couple of natural athletes who made all the shots and danced lightly on their toes with a competitive intensity, and there was the one who was just happy to run around with the boys, spin on the gym floor, and try to start a game of tag while on court. Guess which one Jacob was? If I told you he is extremely ADHD could you guess? Did we care that he was twirling around when he was supposed to be under the basket trying to catch rebounds? No, no we didn't. Because it didn't matter- he was having a great time and we were having a great time. His interests where frequently somewhere else. He loves playing with his basketball team- even if he needs Dad shouting out every other minute what he needs to do to stay on task.
It made me wonder why I have felt in my life the need to homogenize. I felt no sense of inequality in the children- despite how different they were from each other. Some weren't loved less because they were slightly uncoordinated or others loved more because of athletic prowess. It was just one of those moments when I could see that I don't have to "be" anything to be of worth. I was born with worth. Just "being" is worth. Just like all those children on the court. All were of worth and brought joy regardless of their performance, goals, interests...

So What If I'm a Performer?

Sometimes I wonder if my memory is normal or just plain poor. I don't have access to anyone else's mind to examine their memories and compare them to mine. So, I just don't know, but I'm suspicious. But there are a few memories that are strikingly clear and I am currently finding myself haunted by one of them. I was in elementary school perhaps 5th grade- close enough- playing at recess. I was a competitive gymnast at the time and loved to tumble and do tricks in the grassy field. I remember one afternoon one of the girls in my class talking me to me one recess when I was enjoying myself on the field. All I remember is the moment she said "Heather, you're such a show off." I stopped in my tracks and my heart sunk to the floor and my gut wrenched. Just remembering it brings back a taste of those feelings. I had never thought of myself as a show off and that seemed like a horrible thing to be. Sometimes I did gymnastics where anyone could see and sometimes I did it where no one could see. But I couldn't deny that I liked to show people what I could do. I don't even know what makes being a show off so horrible- but it still haunts me.
You see- I am a show off. I love to perform. I love to be in front of an audience and express- whatever it is- whether I am speaking, teaching, dancing, singing... I come alive and find joy. Even if I'm nervous. Is that so wrong? Sometimes I think it must be vanity, that I need people to adore me but it isn't the adoration I seek. It is how I come alive. l love finding a connection with my audience, touching them in someway, and focusing their thoughts. And I am good at it. But I still carry with me the voice of that school girl so many years ago- tainting it. Somehow I believe I am not as noble of a person because this is what I enjoy.
As a result, I try to tone down the significance of any performance. But when the rubber meets the road I realize they are most important to me and I want in my audiences those I care about most. And I am always helplessly grateful for those who come to support me. I feel like those who do come to a performance whether big or small are those who love and understand me the most. I still have a bouquet of flowers my brother gave me after a dance performance 3 years ago that only 2 friends came to- it is in the bookcase in the hall. I have it because it meant so much that he would leave his kids and come to Salt Lake to watch and support me in a performance whether or not the actual concert was worthwhile.
I hope one day to recognize that there is no character flaw within me because I love to perform. I hope one day to express to those I love how much they give to me by supporting me big or small. I hope to enjoy my strengths and stand tall in them.
So I say to you school girl from Sequoia Elementary- You are Absolutely Right!! I AM a show off!!

The Guest House

The Guest House

by: Rumi

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning is a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,

who violently seep your house

empty of its furniture,

still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

meet them at the door laughing,

and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

Untitled

I did not fall
I climbed

I am not a victim
I chose

Unclenching fist and Midnight vigil
Without vow

An ever fixed mark
Hath I found?

I am not falling
I am climbing

To Get to the Other Side

HOPE
Comes-
Because I can rise above what I currently am to become what I most desire
Despite-
My complete inability to achieve it on my own strength and power
Possible-
Because the power of God and the Atonement of Christ overcomes all weaknesses
That is hope, that is power, that is confidence, that is possibility.

I see where I am- and -I see where I desperately want/need to be. The gap between the two is so wide and the chasm so deep the enormity and impossibility of it threatens to envelop me and make me a prisoner of my own limitations. I cannot remember ever feeling so incapable on my own. Then I realize that Christ has overcome the world and with God nothing is impossible. The change I seek and journey to the other side is possible. I believe in Christ- I believe in the power of the atonement. I seek it- not specifically for sin in this case, but for progression and ability to become. Without this hope and faith I am lost- With this hope and faith I am found.