Finding Christmas- A Quest

Have you ever had the startling experience to look in the mirror and see that your features have morphed? That rather than seeing yourself, you find a much less appealing form? This year I did. Do you want to know what I saw? Warning: it wasn't pretty. It was a cross between Mr Scrooge and The Grinch. TRUE STORY. It/I was ugly. Now some people may argue that in their own charactery a certain fondness has enabled their features to be endearing and even loved. But let me say, if you find a mix of the two grossly messed with a faint resemblance of yourself, it isn't endearing or fanciful- it is simply frightening.
I saw the picture clearly this year, although the metamorphosis has been in process for years. The vision came as I was reviewing in my mind a conversation I had with a friend when I more or less said, "I hate Christmas." Then I proceeded to attempt to explain myself- which went over rather poorly. I realized, finally, that I have lost Christmas. Somewhere, somehow, and sometime the magical day from childhood died and what was left was a pity pot black hole of unfulfillment, pain, and loss of self. But I did find a little spark for Christmas still glowing under the ashes prompting me on a quest to find MY Christmas. Not someone else's Christmas- but a Christmas for Heather Kay. I wanted to take out The Grinch and Mr Scrooge and replace them with a bit of Tiny Tim.

The debate is- do I share how I lost Christmas? I am not proud of it. And the reasons will not incline hearts to melt with compassion. I come to the conclusion that the specifics of how I lost Christmas is not what is important- only the principle. I discovered Christmas- in it's purity as the celebration of the birth of the Savior is whole and complete in itself. Christmas can only be lost when the focus or heart settles on something other than Christ. Even if those things are good things-including family.

I started my journey/quest to find Christmas by reading "How the Grinch Stole Christmas". Rather than thinking -oh isn't that nice and closing the book I let myself ponder; if all of the outward manifestations of Christmas were taken away- the gifts, the trees, the lights, the food... everything that "makes Christmas", would I still feel Christmas in my heart and sing and rejoice like the Whos in Whoville? Does Christmas live in my heart because of gratitude for the Savior with the gift of His life the only gift that truly matters? For Heather Kay- does Christmas not come from a store and really does mean something much more? I confess that self examination did not come freely and easily. I wish I could say that Tiny Tim was alive and well in my heart... but I only have to remember the heart that felt "I hate Christmas". I found that Christmas for me was not something much more.

Christmas had become a day where I was a guest observing others celebrate Christmas as their families grow while mine remains population 1 even after years and years of hoping and waiting. Christmas became a painful reminder of stagnation, unfulfilled dreams, longing for someone special to create memories with and for, my own family to give to, and feeling like I actually don't belong anywhere- more of an orphan. Then only to add insult to injury Christmas this year became the very symbol of division causing a loss of those very things I might have gained this year. This year, even finding Christ in Christmas was somewhat painful.

The good news is, I did it. I in fact found Christmas. My quest was not in vain. I will say that Christmas is a bit slippery and difficult to hold onto- but there were moments of complete arrival.

My journey's path lead me to a few key things. First was a dedication to fulfill a goal I had made of writing an essay about what Christmas means to me- which constantly drew my mind to the subject. Second was a ticket literally arriving at my doorstep for the Utah Chamber Artist's the night of the performance- the music was so powerful it managed to melt through the layers of ice and sing to my soul the song of redeeming love. Third was a decision to have my own Christmas- party of one -starting my own traditions. Fourth was the Christmas story in Third Nephi. "Now it came to pass that there was a day set apart by the unbelievers, that all those who believed in those traditions should be put to death except the sign should come to pass, which had been given by Samuel the prophet. But behold, they did watch steadfastly for that day and that night and that day which should be as one day as if there were no night, that they might know that their faith had not been vain." I felt the key part of The Christmas Story is the hope it brings for the fulfillment of all promises no matter how bleak and implausible. The celebration of the hope of all things lost, impossible, and painful being made right. And awe of the faith of those that believed in the revelations of God until the very end no matter what the consequences and sacrifice. This is the celebration and joy of Christmas. This is the something much more. This is the ultimate gift.

Of course the above paragraph is the cliff notes version of my journey to Christmas- but no one wants to sit through the whole thing- myself at the forefront. In the end all that matters is...

I found Christmas.

It is true that...
Christmas does not come from a store.
Christmas does not come from family. Christmas/Christ is about the one on one. The individual.
Christmas comes from the heart- it is faith, hope and charity.
I wish Christmas was present with me always but for now it comes to me in moments- and for now, that is enough.
The gifts of Christmas do not come from a store. They cannot be held or seen, they can only be felt. There is a quote from Les Miserables, "The realities of the soul, though not visible and palpable, are nonetheless realities." Christmas gifts are reality; they are forgiveness, hope, patience in waiting, trust in promises, seeing and believing with my heart, looking to the soul and worth of every child of God, and something to sacrifice for that is greater than yourself.

Another quote from Les Miserables which is a favorite of mine, "If you are leaving that sad place with hatred and anger against men, you deserve compassion; if you leave it with goodwill, gentleness, and peace you are better than any of us." Ever since I read that my lifelong goal has been to turn pain and trials into goodwill and peace. Not to be better than anyone- but to be a better human. Perhaps this year I have made gains on that goal. Turning a place of frustration and even pain into more that it was before. I do believe this transformation may need to be made every year- but I hope I have bushwhacked the trail well enough this year so next year it will be easier to find my way to Christmas.

????

A little online discussion- I realize online probably isn't the most kosher place to have this discussion but I need to get it out of my head. I want out. And the more time passes the more I think about leaving. Leaving what? Utah. I never intended to live here but I found myself here in 2004, a little surprised. I gave God one year and then I was going to be gone. It's 2010 and guess who is still here? Yep, that would be me. Some days- like today, I think that I just don't want to be here. I am here because most of my family is here. I can help and be close. I am here because this where I have established my life with friends and hobbies. I am here because I have a good job working for the same company for 7 years. I am here because I don't know where I want to go. It seems ridiculous to want to move when I have so much here just because I want out of Utah. And there isn't anything particularly wrong with Utah- I just think about staying here and sometimes my skin wants to crawl. Why? I don't know. The only logical thought against Utah that I have is the winter and I am going to ski this season hopefully to like the winter. (I guess some trees would be nice.) Then there is the dating dilemma. Mormon dating over 30 is the pits. (Okay dating in general is the pits.) Not that I am finding any inspiring Mormon boys here- but the odds are really poor elsewhere. Anyway, logically it is really hard to convince myself that it is a great idea to move to an unknown destination just to relieve myself of my periodic scream that I don't want to be here. I feel like so much lately has been me waiting. I hate feeling like I'm waiting. I want to be moving and progressing. But I cannot find the "what or where" answer within me. If I don't know- who does?

Odds and Ends

A hike up Belle's Canyon

It seems wrong that this is the only picture I have of you...

Sunrise Hike

Danny Heslop in Concert

The Wonders of the State Fair

Usually I think of the state fair as great people watching. This year, the animals beat out all.

Jazzercise anyone?

Somehow my education on chickens had been neglected. Truly I did not know chickens came in these forms. They became a highlight of the fair this year.

This one was just pretty

The beginning of fall in the canyon

Birthday

I had a 2-day birthday. One day with roommate family and one day with my blood family.

My nieces found a much better use for sprinkles than decorating the cupcakes...


Jacob refused to have his picture taken without some sort of prop...
My cousins Cameron and Niki came for the festivities.

Jody spent much of the afternoon making me her own designer birthday cards.

The girls and I went to dinner. What cute roommates I have!

I just wanted to wear my hat on my birthday- so I did.

YUMMY birthday cake!

Low key and entirely marvelous. Important to note a special appearance by the Bermanator. And of course a trip to the bookstore for this year's addition to the collection.

Grand Canyon Photo Extravaganza

I realize that it is nearing Thanksgiving and that I went to the Grand Canyon over Labor Day weekend... but really that is not that important. The important part is that I am getting it done (finally). Ok- there is one more "not that important" detail about this post. The pictures are in reverse order. We ended at the Colorado river and double bridge and began at the Bambi Cafe... But it is much easier to post it this way. So this is how it is going to be.

Before the summer got into full sway Emily and I planned out a few fun summer trips. The last thing we wanted for the summer to get away from us and not have any new great experiences. This Grand Canyon trip was one of those spectacular mini get aways. Two car loads of people, camping gear, one British stowaway, and views that would take a long time to be ordinary; that was our trip.




On the way to Page Arizona after it was all said and done to deliver our stowaway.

The old and the new.

Keyhole point- one of my favorite pictures. Sunday was a day of interdenominational church service at the lodge, a mule ride, and a scenic drive.

Oh, Sunday was also a sunset.

I took A LOT of these pictures of the canyon. It just draws you in- and you endlessly and futilely try to capture it.

Our trail guide. She was the real deal- in another life I think I would have made a good cowgirl.

The gang- I know what you are thinking...with posture and pose on a horse like that we look like professionals.

Emily deserved her very own mule spotlight- this was her dream and desire- ride at the Grand Canyon. Love that I was there for you to live a dream- no matter the size.

Windy standing out on a precipice. I do believe I was in a skirt during this scampering on the boulder ledge. Skirt because it was Sunday- it doesn't stop me from exploring.

On top of that boulder ledge I was exploring on the top of the grand canyon I found this shell embedded in the rock. Yeah, that was pretty cool.

The Brit- stowaway. He was hiking rim to rim when Eric and I ran into him and offered to help- which he denied at that time. Ran into him again the next day and he was still in need of help. So he joined our group, campsite, and we even gave him a ride to our next destination. (never mind the 10day stay at the house the following week because Emily is too nice and he just seemed to be attached to SLC. We offered 1-2 days- apparently they do math differently in England.) Nice guy nonetheless.

Planning at the campsite.

I'm a sucker for sepia.

Loved the shadows in this picture.

This guy was the BIGGEST wasp I have ever seen. Wish I had something next to it for scale.

The trail down into the canyon- I wanted to keep going but time and group restraints limited too much exploring- but Eric and I went a bit past where the trail disappears.

This plant was COOL

Same place as before but this time looking up the trail to where we started- at the top of the trees.

The 2 brave souls willing to go deeper to the depths of the canyon that anyone else.

Day One- Emily I only used this picture because I loved the face you made.

The lodge...

Perhaps we are friends.

The whole gang... Eric, Emily Utt, Heather McOmber, Laura Durham, Sierra, Anya Bybee, Allison Miles, Kim Woodbury

And my a favorite stop... El Bambi Cafe in Beaver, Utah. When we drove by it we had to turn around and stop. As long as you like hamburgers you will get a long just fine with it. And I must say- they make a pretty good burger. And the cafe was named (by luck of the draw) after a deer that the owner's son adopted and kept outside the cafe 40 years ago.

And the rest is history.