I heard a quote last week stating "God will never stop bringing you trials". Oddly enough, I found these words to be comforting. The comfort I felt was an immediate reaction without understanding and I found myself pondering- why. Perhaps it spoke peace because I heard "God will never give up on you" and I heard "it's okay that you struggle- frequently. God purposefully designed a path filled with obstacles". And I realize, some obstacles take a little longer than others to overcome. Like a rock climbing route you keep getting stuck on or falling on. Every time you attempt you learn something new. It may take time building strength, technique, and/or an outsiders perspective (plus multiple attempts) before the route is completed. The only failure in that situation is would be giving up, not the multiple "unsuccessful" attempts. I don't believe God only gives us routes he expects us to successfully climb the first attempt. In fact, occasionally he ups the ante (which unfortunately is frequently our own poor use of free agency) bringing us face to face with the stark reality that we need even more work than previously imagined.
And so here I am, facing the looking glass with a much clearer picture of the person in front of me than before. One can go a long time assuming they look just fine until their path crosses a mirror and they discover black seeds in their teeth, mascara smeared around their eyes, and hair looking like it was styled by Medusa's stylist. There are two responses optional- one, wish you had never come in contact with the mirror because ignorance was bliss and you were much happier before. Or two, be grateful for the mirror because now you can do something about the situation and save further embarrassment. Being a rather indecisive person-always opting for all of the above- for example at Cafe Rio when they ask for black or pinto beans I ask for half and half... I usually experience a combination of the two, both regret and gratitude for the new discovery.
I discovered, from my latest crossing with the looking glass, that I not as far along as I would like to fancy myself. Being faced with a decision, I was in turmoil because what I wanted and what I believe God wanted were in opposition. I know enough to know that choosing God's path is always the best plan. But... But... But... I lost. Simply summed up, I lost. I lost because "I"- in all its ego and pride overpowered and I chose my own way. That my friends, has always and will always be, a loss. Now as I sit and deal with the consequences of my actions(never worth it) I am looking more clearly at who I am. A personal reality check. My fears, desires, and pride have deeper and thicker roots than I understood before. My roots of faith and willingness to submit to the will of the Lord are more shallow than I had hoped.
So I think it is safe to say I took a fall on my climbing route and I lost some hard earned height. I only hope that when I get back to where I was, I successfully navigate the climb. Oh, and peace of mind, is worth millions.