Sunday, January 18, 2009

Off CourseYet On Course

Sitting with a cup of hot chocolate, quiet and alone in my room, I contemplate if it is possible to make cohesive sense of the thoughts and feelings that have been swirling these last few days. The rampant succession of highs and lows inherent to making difficult choices instills within me a deep appreciation that, among my trials and weaknesses in life, bipolar is not one of them.
I am grateful that I am better at following "tough" inspiration than I used to be. Tough inspiration defined in this instance as "the answer you didn't really want to get". This sort of prompting may result in attempts at ignoring the feeling, convincing yourself it didn't really happen, or down right defiance and doing it your own way regardless. But over the course of my life and trying these three coping strategies I painfully realized that the immediate pain/difficulty I wanted to avoid or "the ease" of my current path was not worth the consequences. So when my personal GPS said unexpectedly- "next right turn"- with a considerable amount of difficulty, I turned. (I may need to look into my power steering fluid levels.) I truly wish the hard part ended with making the turn. But it rarely does. Unfortunately, I look over and see the other road, all I loved about it, and wonder if I heard correctly. Anxiously I listen for "make a U turn". But so far, no dice.
There is, fortunately, a silver lining to it all. There is a joy in feeling you have heard and acted. This keeps my feet moving in the path ahead despite my head rubber necking behind me. And there is a confidence that, if I have errored, it was with pure intentions and somehow God can fix it.

1 comment:

Trisha said...

Thank you for posting this! I can strongly relate and I appreciate your eloquent expression of this growing process. Kudos for your faith and obedience!