I Killed It

I am heartbroken. But what else was I to do? They say that it is merciful to kill an animal to end its suffering. Well I feel like I "killed it" and have only caused more grief. I don't want any more grief, for myself or for anyone else. I feel like I took a stand for myself and came out the loser. Letting go is so hard for me.
Where is the point of no return? The point where you have gone so far you can't go back to how things used to be. If you knew you were there would you choose to take the next step and risk losing it all or stay put and treasure what you have? The hope of stepping past the point of no return is of course to gain it all. Everything I ever dreamed of. But, I am not much of a gambler so maybe it is a good thing that I don't know that I am crossing the line. I might not ever make the choice to take the step past that point and hold on to what I have. The consequence of that action is I would never be able to gain what I ultimately desire because I was never willing to risk losing and winding up where I currently am.
But right now, in this moment I am not happy I took the risk. Losing is terribly painful- handing over all the chips in my pile feels like I am losing more than poker chips and money. I see others lose- kill the animal, hand over the poker chips and walk away so much easier than I do. GRRRrrrr.
I hate that I had to kill it.

Just What the Doctor Ordered

I need to remember that if I am ever feeling less than 100% that my ticket to happiness is a little physical activity. Tonight I went to an activity at the Davis Rec Center. For $3 I played racquetball, ice skated, and swam all my troubles away. It was blissful!

Call Me Irresponsible

Dinner: cupcakes and cheesecake
Activity: Girl Talk! at Heidi's house- till late
Did not do: homework, practice singing...
How I feel about it: Great!!
New Life Goal: Live in the NOW without guilt- just joy (requiring some planning and self-control of course- but leave the nazi/nun life with the nazis and nuns)
New Life Goal: Learn how to want- again without the guilt

I had a great night.

The Ride Has Ended

They say that an ending is also a beginning. That by sacrificing everything you are then free to receive everything. But frequently the problem is perspective. When a door firmly closes in front of you ending the course you were currently on, the door looks really big, in fact the door is all you can see. The window that is opening to you is not in sight. Even turning your head around isn't enough because you are standing too close to the door. There is only one thing that will give the perspective to be able to see more than the door and that is distance- our good friend time.
I have reached an ending. I wonder if endings are difficult because eternal is our nature and endings go against our nature. Despite the struggle and my dislike for them, I am getting better at endings, much better than I used to be. Perhaps practice does make perfect after all. The mix of emotions comes as a cocktail not to be found in any other way. Relief, mourning, apathy, regret, liberation, the budding of new dreams, the painful death of old dreams, fatigue, concern, confusion... Relearning and redefining self all over again. And what are the right steps to take anyway? I am thankful that the true desires of my heart will stand as my judgement as much or more than my actions.
Right now I am just tired. Drained dry. The ride has ended, the park is closing and it is time to find refuge in a long winters nap. Isn't that one of the best things about winter anyway?

my mistake

J/K the rollar coaster ride hasn't ended yet.

Weeeee?

I woke this morning up so cozy and warm in my bed. - I spied out my window and saw beautiful snowflakes falling and trees leaning heavy with the weight of the inches heavy snow lining the branches. It wasn't sticking to the streets so driving wasn't a problem and we have been so dry the snow was a welcome sight. It was one of those mornings where everything felt right and beautiful in the world.
Alas in an instant it was gone. I soon felt I was on the top of a roller coaster falling down so fast that my stomach landed in my throat. Blissful confidence of forward progression is traded in for a pair of sea legs on dry land. And the day somewhat proceeded with a series of up and downs to make no doubt that I in fact woke up in an amusement park this morning and was actually on a roller coaster.
Now the ride seems to have stopped- and I am walking wobbly woozily waiting for everything to settle back down to the calm hum drum of everyday life. Soon I can shake off the unsettled feeling, forget the stomach drop, and remember only the adventure of the ride.

Getting Caught Up

What are the odds? =)