They say that an ending is also a beginning. That by sacrificing everything you are then free to receive everything. But frequently the problem is perspective. When a door firmly closes in front of you ending the course you were currently on, the door looks really big, in fact the door is all you can see. The window that is opening to you is not in sight. Even turning your head around isn't enough because you are standing too close to the door. There is only one thing that will give the perspective to be able to see more than the door and that is distance- our good friend time.
I have reached an ending. I wonder if endings are difficult because eternal is our nature and endings go against our nature. Despite the struggle and my dislike for them, I am getting better at endings, much better than I used to be. Perhaps practice does make perfect after all. The mix of emotions comes as a cocktail not to be found in any other way. Relief, mourning, apathy, regret, liberation, the budding of new dreams, the painful death of old dreams, fatigue, concern, confusion... Relearning and redefining self all over again. And what are the right steps to take anyway? I am thankful that the true desires of my heart will stand as my judgement as much or more than my actions.
Right now I am just tired. Drained dry. The ride has ended, the park is closing and it is time to find refuge in a long winters nap. Isn't that one of the best things about winter anyway?
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Did you ever listen to a folk singer by the name of Dar Williams? She has a song about Iowa, that because its title I adore. Then there is a song she wrote about the month called February, and about how it's the hardest month to get through. So is life, sometimes.
It sometimes makes me sad that we are only here for so long, and in that time, we can only be in one place for our lives for just a little bit. Sometimes, I wake up from a nap and feel like I could be on my favorite place to take a nap on a summer's day on my dad's farm that no one knows about. Then, I have to realize that I am here in Utah.
But, in that big tangent, I forgot my point that I wanted to make about endings...oh, yeah. I think it's this: Endings are not these big abrupt halts in our life that we often envision them as. I like to think of them more as transitioning points. In a piece of music, sometimes, you have to stop a certain section of music to move onto the next section. Therefore, it becomes necessary to stop the music, but, not to cut it off entirely. What we posit as endings are in fact transitioning points, dovetails to say, that move us into the next sections of our life, even though it seems as if something that didn't imply an ending needed to be a little easier.....
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