I am heartbroken. But what else was I to do? They say that it is merciful to kill an animal to end its suffering. Well I feel like I "killed it" and have only caused more grief. I don't want any more grief, for myself or for anyone else. I feel like I took a stand for myself and came out the loser. Letting go is so hard for me.
Where is the point of no return? The point where you have gone so far you can't go back to how things used to be. If you knew you were there would you choose to take the next step and risk losing it all or stay put and treasure what you have? The hope of stepping past the point of no return is of course to gain it all. Everything I ever dreamed of. But, I am not much of a gambler so maybe it is a good thing that I don't know that I am crossing the line. I might not ever make the choice to take the step past that point and hold on to what I have. The consequence of that action is I would never be able to gain what I ultimately desire because I was never willing to risk losing and winding up where I currently am.
But right now, in this moment I am not happy I took the risk. Losing is terribly painful- handing over all the chips in my pile feels like I am losing more than poker chips and money. I see others lose- kill the animal, hand over the poker chips and walk away so much easier than I do. GRRRrrrr.
I hate that I had to kill it.
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Quotes
"You are what your deep, driving desire is. As your desire is, so is your will. As your will is, so is your deed, as your deed is, so is your destiny." Brihadaranyaka Upanishad 4.5 (Translated by Eknath Easwaran.).
"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness concerning all acts of initiative and creation. There is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now." Goethe
" I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element. It is my personal approach that creates the climate. It is my daily mood that makes the weather. I possess tremendous power to make a life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration. I can humiliate or humor, hurt, or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis will be escalated or de-escalated, and a person humanized or de-humanized. If we treat people as they ought to be, we help them become what they are capable of becoming." Goethe
"Being committed to place ourselves in an environment that we know will make us grow and teach us about our deepest selves builds character, strength, and courage. We soon find ourselves in the habit of growth and find that "we’ve arrived" by our mere presence on the path. We find ourselves at home in the heat of our own refinement." Scott Moore
"The last thing the world needs is another perfect Downward Facing Dog pose. What the world does need is another open heart." Judeth Lasater
2 comments:
I'm sorry you had to do something so hard. I had to have my dog put to sleep about 5 years ago. I felt the same way you do.
I'm thinking about you. Sis Monson
Love you.
xox
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