Last night while driving home from work, I had a pleasant chat with my parents. They are doing very well, if you were wondering. My mother’s original musical "Guinevere" premiered and was a hit. (As if anyone who knows my mother would doubt. She doubts herself, but we don’t. My mother is amazing, very creative, and excellent in inspiring others. I may look like her but I did not inherit her creativity.) Sometime during this conversation I commented on a particular emotional strain that I have been "enduring" and stated that something’s gotta give soon. Once off the phone I keep pondering my statement "something’s gotta give". I realized that was more true than I had previously admitted to myself. The problem being- I know how I want it to give and unfortunately that is not how it will give. Something is bound to break and if I continue in my current course- it is going to be me. Crazy enough, I’m not too interested in breaking right now. So now what?
I decided to spend sometime pondering/meditating on the situation. Sitting still, in general, is not a strong suit of mine. Sitting still when I am a bit anxious… next to impossible. Ask my roommates, they know. Fortunately, with the help of yoga, I had some practice behind me. All that breathing in of the ether is really starting to pay off. (Yes Emily, that last sentence was just for you…) It was work to sit still and breathe. When I first became still, my breathing and heart rate actually increased. My mind did not want to face the stress I had pushed aside by staying busy. At times, remaining in silence and stillness is the hardest thing to do. I thought it was going to be impossible to be still enough to think clearly. But I didn’t run away, I sat through it, breathed and eventually became calm. (Miracles never cease.)
I am often amazed at the inspiration that can come by being willing to be still. It enables us to tap into a deeper wisdom and knowledge that lingers just below the surface. (I’m sure the prayer I said before hand didn’t hurt either.) A story my roommate Kristin told me on Sunday came to mind. She was hiking with a friend and got caught in a sticky situation. Clinging on to a cliff, trying not to fall off, her only option to not fall and die was to take the hand of someone above her. This required her to let go of her hold, push up, and reach her arm up hoping her friend caught her (and all didn’t tumble over the cliff together). She was not too fond of the solution, but realized she couldn’t control, fix, or change anything herself. Holding on was only fatiguing her, eventually, she would give out- she had to let go. And that was the answer to my dilemma - Let Go.
Holding on to something beyond my control and willing things to change before their time (stressing out that it isn’t happening on my timetable) has been fatiguing me. Falling was less if and more when. Currently, I am powerless to change my situation and I know I have done everything I can about it- I have to let it go and trust in the Lord’s hands. But… letting go is really, really hard. Usually, it involves "losing" control and trusting someone else. I encounter this everyday at work. I repeat the words "relax", "let go", "let me do it" all day long. It is difficult to entrust an arm, leg, head… whatever, to someone else, especially when it is in pain. However, if my patients learn to let me move it, it hurts a lot less and healing happens much faster.
Since my epiphany last night, two marvelous things have happened. 1. I slept great last night. 2. I feel so much lighter and happier. I know I will have to continually work on it. It usually takes several reminders the first visit for my patients to relax and let go as the tension creeps back in. But, every visit, the reminders generally become less and less. Practice makes perfect- right?
Just for clarification- letting go does not mean quitting. For me it means being at peace with the process, not making it about my will and timetable, and trusting in God.
"…give up your feeling of responsibility, let go your hold, resign the care of your destiny to higher powers, be genuinely indifferent as to what becomes of it all. A greater self is there." William James
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"You are what your deep, driving desire is. As your desire is, so is your will. As your will is, so is your deed, as your deed is, so is your destiny." Brihadaranyaka Upanishad 4.5 (Translated by Eknath Easwaran.).
"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness concerning all acts of initiative and creation. There is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now." Goethe
" I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element. It is my personal approach that creates the climate. It is my daily mood that makes the weather. I possess tremendous power to make a life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration. I can humiliate or humor, hurt, or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis will be escalated or de-escalated, and a person humanized or de-humanized. If we treat people as they ought to be, we help them become what they are capable of becoming." Goethe
"Being committed to place ourselves in an environment that we know will make us grow and teach us about our deepest selves builds character, strength, and courage. We soon find ourselves in the habit of growth and find that "we’ve arrived" by our mere presence on the path. We find ourselves at home in the heat of our own refinement." Scott Moore
"The last thing the world needs is another perfect Downward Facing Dog pose. What the world does need is another open heart." Judeth Lasater
1 comment:
Thank you for reminding me of something that took 3 years of therapy to "get". Letting go of our will and giving it up to Him is one of life's great challenges, but also one of the greatest joys. Love ya sis!
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