What are the Odds?

Are you Casanova Impaired?

2011-12-15T14:08:00.001-07:00

To all the Casanova impaired men in the world- this is for you.

The key to a women's heart is Respect and Thoughtfulness- add a dose of sincerity and we are in trouble. If self is all your used to thinking about and helping, then you are doomed to frustration when it comes to women.

The end.

Alas

2011-11-15T19:50:00.001-07:00

I give up- it is only Novemeber and I am already in trouble with the cold frigid nights. I was walking Jasper- my brothers dog I am dog sitting- and my hands started to sting with cold and move like they belonged on the short bus. Currently I am running around the house with a blanket tied around my waist and I wish it extended to wrap around my feet. I need more long smart wool socks. Anyone out there wanting to buy that for me for Christmas? I made up my mind. If I am going to survive winter I need to let go of the white knuckle grip I have on the pocket book and give in to 67 degrees on the thermostat. It's true- I am leaving 65 degrees behind and going for a life of luxury- or at least sanity. Thank goodness for the new windows! And I am thinking I need to put on the kettle and have a cup of something hot.

This is My House

2011-10-23T18:28:00.002-06:00

There are two questions I can count on being asked when I run into old friends/acquaintances I haven’t seen in a long time. “So, any boys I should know about?” and “Where do you live now?” Can you guess which question I dreaded answering? One might think it is the dating question, but no, it was the where do you live question. Surprised? In the 12+ years of the dating question, I have managed to come to terms with it, but having to tell people I live in the same house after 6 ½ years, renting… That was painful. You see I was only going to live in that house for one year. One year soon turned into two, two into five, and, and, and… I felt like nothing, nothing changed or progressed in my life. I was over 30 living Ground Hog’s Day, except I was getting older and the rest of the world moved on leaving me farther and farther behind. Every time I answered the question of where I lived it was a great reminder how I felt like I was getting no where in my life- and there was the proof.

But on July 28, 2011 things finally changed. I few pieces of paper to sign and I became a home owner- and nothing will be the same again.

I talked about buying a house for a long time but was extremely non-committal and honestly- not ready. Buying a home is a big step- end of story. And, buying a house as a single female poses a few interesting challenges. It is surprising the emotional ties connected to buying a home alone and the challenge to overcome- an actual grieving process many women find themselves going through as we come to terms with forging ahead independently. And for me it also meant committing to staying in Utah.

So I did what any religiously based person would do, I started to pray. I asked what should I do? Is buying a house the right decision for me? And then I waited. That wasn’t working so I prayed some more. A few months pass and I am still praying about it. You see I once had a friend talk about her experience in buying a house. She said it is a really big decision and should come with a really big feeling of this is right. I was looking for a clear yes- this is the right thing for you. But I wasn’t getting anything. Finally I got my answer, “you have good judgement and freedom to use that judgement- this is your decision - you decide.” No wonder I was praying for months with no answer- it was my choice. I decided I was going for it.

There is a quote I keep on my blog that always stood out as true to me although I had never specifically noted it in my life- that is until now.

"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness concerning all acts of initiative and creation. There is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now." Goethe

The story of my house is this quote fulfilled in my life.

Over the last year + I had 3 or so realtors I had “tried on”. But no one was working out for me. They send me their automatic lists of properties and show me a place if I asked for it. That is until Spencer came along.

Spencer Williams was referred to me by my roommate Anya- he is really good with first time home buyers she said. Ok, lets give him a try. Our first meeting was at his office where we looked at a lot of houses on the computer and made a list of some I was interested in looking at. Mostly he was trying to get an idea of what I was looking for. That was a Saturday. On Monday we went looking at the houses- and it was a typical bust. Granted some were closer than I had seen but I just felt wrong in all of them. We arranged to get together on Tuesday of the following week, my first day off after the upcoming work week. He said he had gotten an idea of what I was looking for and was going to research properties for me and come up with a list to see. Miracle! someone willing to do some leg work for me.

My grandmother Rachel passed away that week bringing my parents into town and all thoughts of house hunting out the window. Fortunately Spencer texted to remind me of our meeting and gave me the address of the first house. I meet up with him and he had already been in the house and said- forget it not even worth your time and I followed him to the next house. 982 E Montclair Dr. I still remember my thoughts as I first entered the house- this house is in my budget? I can afford this? You must realize the kind of houses I had been looking at and how discouraged I was. This house was open, with a large kitchen, most of the house updated, 4 bedrooms, a tall basement that you don’t have to duck to walk in, a garage, a nice yard, and the big picture window in the front room. The house was filled with light from all the multitude of windows. I felt I could be at home here. This was a house- the only house I had seen, I felt I could live in. it had everything on my little list that was half on paper and half in my heart. Some things don’t come with words. We went and saw the other houses on the list and nothing compared, I felt awkward and uncomfortable in them all.

I asked if I could see the house again in the morning with my parents before they left to leave town back to California. So at 8:30 am the next day I showed my parents the house to see what they thought. My mom loved the windows like I did. My dad had nothing but nick picky comments on the house. As we walked away my mom asked when I was going to put an offer in. I was somewhat surprised at this comment but I already knew in my heart this was the one. The comfort of knowing my parents had seen and approved of the house before I put an offer in was invaluable. This was the most difficult decision I can remember making and having them just barely able to see it was a miracle.

In fact many of the miracles of this house was the timing of everything. My timeline was I needed to be moved out of my old house before Oct 1st so I wouldn’t be locked into a contract. I was leaving for Jordan Sept 23rd for 2 weeks so I needed to be moved in before then and preferably much before then to be settled. It was June 29th when I first saw the house- and as we know just in time for my parents to see it.

Wednesday. I met with my loan officer for the first time- Holly Stirling. I decided to become pre- approved for a loan to help the offer process go over more smoothly. The whole time I still can’t get this house out of my mind and I am really starting to get nervous. What if I have actually found it? Yikes.

Thursday. I met with Spencer to put together my offer- in case I do in fact decide to send it in. Poor Spencer- I nearly had a heart attack when he started writing an email to their realtor with my offer specifics. He had to stop what he was doing- point out there was no subject line and it is a draft for when I am ready. Then he had to talk me though all the reasons why everything was going to be ok. He learned pretty quick that I need time to process everything.

Friday. I can’t get putting an offer on the house, TODAY, out of my mind. My plan was to fast on fast Sunday to be sure and put the offer in on Monday. The house had been on the market since October-what was the rush. But it kept coming back to me over and over. Until I called Spencer on my way out of town to Southern Utah for a vacation and asked if he thought I should just put the offer in today. So next thing I know I am telling him to put the offer in right now. I thought I was going to freak out after I did that- especially how much I had been stressing over everything. No sleep since I first saw the house. Any dozing I did do was interrupted with panics such as- there is no vent system over the range… But I had the opposite reaction. I felt wonderful. I was happier than I can remember- cloud 9. I felt a huge burden lift I didn’t know I was carrying and saw doors opening in all directions previously closed. Talk about a confirmation on a decision! Interesting I didn’t feel that way until after I made the decision and moved forward. I talked with a friend Andreas about how I felt as I drove down South. I was excited.

Friday pm. Spencer texts me- 2 other offers had been made on the house in the last 24 hours, I will tell you more when I know more. AHHH! What? Ok, now what? I get to Cedar City and meet up with Anya and her family and am having a hard time concentrating on things. Richard the III was a little hard to follow while trying to sort through the mess I had just walked into. Andreas texted me the most perfect words- Have faith, you will get the house. You had that good feeling for a reason. However hard for me to believe- it was comforting and hopeful. I referred back to his words frequently. And I realized, if I had waited until Monday to put the offer in, the house would have been gone.

Saturday. I learned I had until Sunday noon to change my offer if I so chose to my best. The owners didn’t want a bidding war- just a one time best offer. I spent the day half shopping with Anya at the outlets and half pondering over and over if and what to change my offer to. Once again, Andreas was an invaluable resource helping me ponder through and sort through things. Helping me discover the questions I needed answered to make good choices and be confident in what I was doing. In the end however, it was all up to me. What did I think- what was the house worth to me, what can I afford, what is strategic against the other bidders knowing nothing of their offers? I started to get a cold sore from the stress. That night I gave Spencer my new offer and once again- sleep was not found.

Sunday- 1am ish. I spent a while on my knees petitioning heaven. I really didn’t feel I knew what I was doing. Fast Sunday. I said I was putting the structural integrity of the house in Grandpa McOmber’s hand and the negotiations in Grandpa Peterman’s hands. They were the best ones I could think of for their jobs. After that a few hours of sleep were found and I trusted in whom I left the work to.

Monday. Anya and I got up early and hiked Angel’s Landing in Zion. We drove back to Orem to celebrate the 4th with Anya’s family. Soon after we arrived at her parent’s house, I received a text to call Spencer when I could. I was scared to call. I almost wanted him to say I lost the bid so it would be all over and I could move on and be done with the stress. But instead he said… “You are second, but they like your financial situation better so are offering you the opportunity to raise your offer 2K to match the highest bid and go with you.” True to form I told him I needed to think it over and I would call him back. I didn’t initially know what to do. I had already spent the last 24hrs thinking that I over bid myself and was stressed the current bid was too high already. 2K more? So I told Anya and her brother-in-law was there. He said they had a similar situation but they refused to up their price and they were still chosen. It is just a matter of how important financial security is to them. Immediately I felt calm and knew my answer. I called Spencer back and said- “My offer stands. They asked for my best and I gave it- there is no more. They have to decide what is more important to them.” That was the best I felt since I first heard there were other offers. And it felt really good to know I made the right move.

Tuesday. Getting out of my car at work I got another text from Spencer to call him. I always got nervous when this happened. I won. They ended up choosing me. He congratulated me on calling their bluff and I was speechless. I didn’t know how to react. I was happy but overwhelmed by the responsibility I now had on my shoulders. I think it was a really good thing Andreas had reinforced to me there are opportunities to turn around all along the way so I knew I had a out if needed.

July 5-28 There was nothing but bumps and bruises all along the way. It is a lot of work to get everything needed for a mortgage. I learned about electrical problems that needed to be addressed by the inspector- but I also learned the house was structurally in as good of shape as possible. (thanks Grandpa Mac) Then the appraiser came and valued it 15K under my price- meaning the banks would not finance it. This is 2 weeks or less before we are supposed to close. In the end- they were able to get the appraiser to come up 10 K and they agreed to fix the electrical. They also wanted me to pay closing costs since this is under the previous offer for the house. I said no- and they had to agree. (It is great being in a buyers market). All of this made more stressful because their realtor was out of town for a week making things back up to the last minute.

July 29th I closed on my house at - interestingly enough- the price of my first original offer. (thank you Grandpa Peterman) My mom was in town and able to be there to support me in signing my life over to the bank.

Aug 1st I received the keys to my house and brought over my first few things- a giraffe, toilet paper and my Costa Rica bowl to christen it.
I had the whole month of August to move in. My dad made a return trip and was able to help move the things I was getting from Grandma. I had family and Chris help me move into my house. I remember sitting in the chair in the front room not wanting to go back and be in the downtown house. I knew that was not my home- 982 Montclair was my home. It felt so good and right to be there. And so it continues today. I am still loving my home. It was the most stressful thing I have done but truly rewarding in everyway. I have roses I cut from my yard sitting on my kitchen table right now- I love it.

I am truly grateful for the many miracles that enabled this to happen. The timing was perfect- even with the gentle mercies of my parents being able to be here at just the right times. A great thank you to Anya for putting up with me in my processing of the whole event and her willingness to stay here and be my roommate. Thank you to Andreas who had the right words at the right time. Thank you to Chris for helping me with the big move. My brother Tim and Dad for helping with moving. Mom, Anginette, Andrea and the kids for helping clean the house as I moved in. And of course thank you to the heavens that opened and God providing the miracles to lead me to the ultimate success of being a home owner. This is the right place for me right now- and that is joy.

Andreas was right, I did have that amazing feeling for a reason. And I was grateful for it because I may not have endured through it all without it. And, Goethe was right- once one is committed- then the heaven open to prepare the way.

Training at Al-Hussien Society- Amman

2011-10-09T12:24:00.000-06:00

Play day ended and the work of the trip immediately began. Al Hussein Society was our work destination for the next 4 days. It is a rehab society focus on pediatrics. I was truly impressed with their vision, goals, and programs. One half of the building was for the therapy work and the other half of the building was their school for children with needs. They had their own wheelchair shop and technicians for modifying chairs to the specialized needs of the children. A almost ideal partner to participate in the program LDS charities created to distribute wheelchairs.
This first day was dedicated to setting up our training room, meeting with the translators and having some definitions translated. Basically the behind the scenes day always necessary. I was very impressed with how prepared and thoughtful the humanitarian couples were in having everything we could possibly want ready and waiting for us. But I was once again a bit disappointed in our lunch options. I don't eat American fast food in America and I really wanted to try Jordanian food... But Popeye's it was.

At the end of this day Clay had a great idea. He saw an indoor climbing gym in Amman and suggested we take a break from the couples and work out some of our jet lag on the wall. We offered to take a taxi but Brother Lee was insistent he be our chauffeur. Eventually we realized he was just as anxious to be away from others and choose different meal options as we were. We had a great time- it was a beautiful gym facing west toward the sunset. And the owner wasn't so bad to look at either... =) He gave us great dinner options and even gave me his phone number in case we needed anything. Man I wish I had a picture of him. But I do have a picture of his gym. If Clay and I get to have a follow-up trip I do think we might need to visit here again. Just look at that sunset!

Perhaps not the best picture of Clay... But is was the only picture I had of the climbing wall.

I swear he didn't even twitch for an hour. I think if he isn't moving then he is sleeping. But we loved Brother Lee's willingness to serve.

Falafel- at the recommendation of the good-looking Jordanian gym owner... It was amazing!

And the ice cream shop next door- that was perhaps the best ice cream I ever had. It is amazing what a little freedom, exercise and good food can do for the soul. I was ready for whatever the next day had to bring. I was nervous I hadn't prepared well enough-but that is my typical fears. Everything went really well over the course of the next 3 days of training. I will credit most of that to the answering of a sincere prayer for higher help.

The next morning started with a sunrise view of the city... There are a lot of people in Amman. Everything is built out of stone because there is little to no timber to use.

Clay taught me the key to success is to connect immediately with your audience. Even before the official training began we talked to the class participants and got to know them a little.

This is the opening ceremony where the officials discuss the importance of the training- I liked the picture because it was a good visual of the classroom. We wanted all the participants in wheelchairs so they had experience in them- especially with ones that do not fit well. In the beginning it was difficult to get everyone in a wheelchair- but by the end, we couldn't get them out of them.

There were so many pictures to choose from on our training. Most importantly with the lecture there was a lot of hands on. Practice assessing each other, assembly of the wheelchairs right out of the box, and practice in using the wheelchairs themselves. And of course the most important is their assessing and fitting real wheelchair users that are in need of a wheelchair. Unfortunately blogger is complaining about all the pictures I am wanting to add. Maybe I can add some more later- but this gives you a feel for the training.

The women in this picture that I am talking to is the Princess of Jordan. She is a classy lady and cut through all the political hub bub and focused right on what was important. Easy to talk to and very engaging. I must admit, I was impressed by her.

The whole gang- my new friends in Amman Jordan

We were shepherded immediately to Irbid after the 3rd day of training and had to leave our 5 star hotel, gourmet breakfasts and new friends behind. A whole new chapter began.

Day 1- Petra and the Dead Sea

2011-10-07T08:47:00.000-06:00

Around Feb or March of this year my co-worker Andy started telling me about a Humanitarian project he started working with through the church. (Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints) Wheelchair trainings to create a self sustainable local force to safely and correctly fit and educate wheelchair users who are recipients of distributed wheelchairs the church supplies. The trainers are physical and occupational therapist- 2 per training. The church pays your ticket, hotel, and meals. Short term specialists set-up the contracts and arrangements and humanitarian missionaries put together the details. Trainers just need to show up and teach the 3 day training courses.
As soon as he told me I knew I wanted in. I have always wanted to do humanitarian work and I love to travel. Next thing I know I am at a training day and on the "list" of credible therapist trainers waiting for my opportunity. The call comes in the beginning of the summer- Jordan- end of Sept. I was awed. Jordan- the middle east? So excited! I never imagined my life would open to an opportunity to take me there.

This is the beginning of the that story.

Clay Watson was my co-trainer. I was so grateful to have him along. All the areas in the training I was weak on- he was very strong. I think we made great teaching partners. It is also handy to have a 6'4 man to walk around foreign countries with, espeically at night.
We started the adventure 2pm Friday, Sept 23rd. SLC to Paris, Paris to Ammon. 24 hours of traveling. I would like to state for the record that I had a much better seat than Clay had on the long flight to Paris. The Cullimore's and the Lees were there at the airport to pick us up and whisked us away to dinner. Clay did have his checked bag lost and had to have it delivered the next day which made me feel really good about my decision to go carry on with my luggage. That is right 2 weeks- all carry on. I am a little proud of that fact. Dinner was a delicious sharwerma- the best I had the whole time and then it was off to bed.

11pm in bed time and 3:30 am wake-up to be out the door by 4am for our Petra adventure. Good thing it was during jet lag when my body had no clue what time it was. 3 hour drive to Petra, 9 hours of hiking in Petra followed by a surprise stop. Tired and happy was the theme of the day.

Castle Ruins from the Crusades
at Sunrise

This was a quick stop on the way to Petra- my first taste of the amazing history surrounding the area.

Sunrise
the South is much more barren than the North

Moses' Spring
Legend has it that this is where Moses struck the rock for water

This is looking out toward Petra
I could hardly believe what I saw
I travelled 1/2 way across the world to find Southern Utah

Rocks formations on the road to Petra- look familiar?

Offical beginning of the slot canyon road to the city

Water is a big concern in Jordan
All over Petra Aquaducts and cisterns were found demonstrating the great lengths they went to to preserve water.

The slot canyon was the road to Petra.
It had remaints of the stone paved road.

All over Jordan there were cats- but no stray dogs.

First peak

Second peak

The capstone piece of Petra revealed

Love the camals

The 3 Petra explorers- Brother Lee, Clay and I

Petra is one large city built out of stone. The facades are grand. Most have fallen done over the centuries but there are still plenty of remants to catch a glimpse of the past.

It is difficult to see but on top of the mountain on the left side of the picture is a white dot-
that is Aaron's tomb

There are cairn "gardens" all over. Not used for direction- possibly just tourists playing with rocks

Most of the facades for these have fallen- but imagine what it looked like when every where that was flat and a hole had a facade on it.

Pottery pieces were everywhere

What the inside looks like. Granted this is inside the largest room we found. Generally speaking inside was a room- some with inlets as found here. Very few had any adjoining rooms and others had tomb sites.

In addition there was a Byzantine church- as well as Roman Ruins- (which I don 't have any pictures of)

At the top of the hike to the "Monastery" there was a cool place to rest- literally

The Monastery

A trinket shop at the "End of the World"

View from the top

On the way back from Petra we took a different route home. Along this way we found many new and exciting sites. We even found a herd of camels blocking the road.

Camel

More camels

The road we travelled down- Clay and I were so tired we actually managed to fall asleep during this drive.

Our suprise destination- the Dead Sea

The interesting rock formation is called "Lot's Wife"

The Dead Sea-
Apparently it is usually glassy still- but there was an unusual rain storm right before we arrived causing
a lot of waves.

Tired but happy

Brother Lee got up close and personal with the Sea as he filled a bottle with the salty water. The sea is far below sea level- the lowest point on earth and is 26% salt.

The day ended with meeting up with other missionary couples for dinner- why Chinese when we are in Jordan? Well- we weren't choosing- and we weren't complaining- ok maybe we were a little bit...

A big thank you to Brother Lee for his sacrifice of his day to enable us to have a great adventure and see one of the great sites in this world.

That is it for Day 1.
More to follow soon.

Theater

State Fair

2011-09-16T19:49:00.001-06:00

Highlights

FUNNEL CAKE and FERRIS WHEEL- those were the 2 things I was thinking about all day while at work waiting for my escape from the hospital.
1 Day old calf
Jazzercise Lambs
Giant pumpkins
Local Honey
Fine Arts Gallery
Photography Gallery
Teenage 4H boys in a barn with a large fake spider, a string, and nothing better to do...
Anya
Show Pigs and thinking of Charlottes Web
Running into good friends
People watching: there are a lot of fat people in this world, I'm just putting it out there.

House Pictures!!

2011-09-09T20:31:00.002-06:00

Perhaps my biggest adventure of the summer was buying my first house. It was quite the wild ride and maybe one day I will finish writing the whole story- but in the mean time how about some pictures!!

It is so nice to say I have absolutely no buyers remorse- and considering it is my biggest purchase ever- that is a really good feeling. I love my house. I love coming home to it and find I love it more everyday. Even with broken toilets, sprinkler heads and all kinds of fun greeting me in the first month- I am so happy there. I didn't even know how much I needed it until I was in it. I closed the last week of July and got the keys August 1, 2011. Anya moved in with me and we are like peas and carrots (thank you Forrest Gump). I am most excited to play in the yard. Plenty of potential there. So take a peek and see what you think!

Yeah for room to grow!

Why I Live in Utah

2011-09-09T18:31:00.001-06:00

All pictures are taken in Utah during this summers adventures. This is why I love living in Utah 2011.

Wild Flowers- Aug 2011

Albion Basin (Little Cottonwood Canyon, SLC)

Trail head- 30min from my house

Bryce Canyon May 2011

Trail head- 4 hours from my house

Moab June 2011

Trail head 3 hours from my house

Delicate Arch- Arches National Park June 2011

Trail head 3 1/2 hours from my house

Arches National Park

Bryce

Alta- Aug 2011

30min from house

Devil's Castle- Alta

WILD FLOWERS

Sunset Ridge Aug 2011

Border between Alta and Brighton

Log Book at the top of Mt Olympus

Top of Mt Olympus looking East

View from Mt Olympus Saddle

Top of Mt Olympus Sept 2011

Trail head 15min from my house

Heavy

2011-09-01T17:36:00.000-06:00

I feel heavy. Not from the weight of my body; it is the weight of my heart that is shrinking me toward the earth. Tight and heavy- pulling me in toward myself. So much effort required to sustain an upright position. I just want to curl up until I overlap myself, holding everything close until I am safe. Until all of my outer walls cover my inner walls and I am no longer exposed and vulnerable. Wishing I was a rolly polly curled up with my armor protecting me. A little push and I could roll away from the world.

"At Least You Weren't Flying a Plane"

2011-07-20T21:20:00.006-06:00

Praying makes a difference. The possibility that I would have been at work this week as a patient and not an employee (if God had not granted me a series of miracles) is high. I was driving home from California after a great week in San Diego and Redlands for a continuing ed conference when at 10 hours into the drive I enter the Utah County work zone. The sun has just set and I am anxious to get home to prepare for work the next day. My good friend Chris Wilde calls just to see how things are going and after a few minutes of chatting I let out a quick panicked yelp and say that my car just stopped working. In actuality, just the instrumentation simultaneously dropped to gravity dependant zero position. I do not know my speed, gas gauge, or core temp. And I do not know what is wrong. At work I described it as the dials went from full muscle tone to fully flaccid in an instant- an obvious central nervous system failure. Chris tells me to calm down and asks if the car is still running- which I note that it is. I also notice that my headlights are dying and it is getting dark outside. I am really nervous because I have 30 miles left with no lights and the sun is not going to make an encore performance. I am in the middle of the work zone- no shoulder. Chris says to keep going as long as possible. All my senses are standing at attention as I maneuver through the traffic trying to keep a clear radius because I don't know how much people can see me. One car pulls in front of me enough that I had to take my foot off the gas for a second and when I step on it again... pause, jolt and then reengage. Okay- that was really unnerving. The car ahead slows so I have to repeat process with similar results. Within 30 seconds of the initial pause the gas pedal now no longer works at all. Work zone, no shoulders, dark... (perhaps repetitive but this is what I am thinking) I am also slightly or moderately panicked. Chris is telling me not to panic and I am praying I have enough momentum to get to the next exit. But, I am slowing quickly and there is no way I'll make it. That is when a piece of shoulder opens- the only shoulder I know if in 20miles of work zone. I pray I still have brakes as I pull over. I of course have no idea how much shoulder there is or if there is a drop off because I can not see without headlights. Mercifully I make it tot he side and engage my brakes for a full and complete stop. My hands were shaking so bad I was giving Parkinson patients a run for their money. But I made it, I was safe and after a few tears and Chris telling me over the phone everything turned out fine, its all okay, I managed to calm down. I called my insurance and got a tow truck, Chris was already in his car and able to come pick me up. As for timing, the tow and Chris basically arrived at the same time, and my phone battery lasted long enough for me to finish the last call I needed to complete everything. I even had a highway patrolman and a kind hearted man stop and check to make sure I was alright while I was waiting. My only complaint is the mosquitoes the size of Zeus that infiltrated the car every time I had to open the door. I arrived home safely thanks to my chauffeur and even got a little sleep before going to work. Trax helped me to work and my incredible mechanic (love him) Mike got a new alternator installed by the end of the day. I was back up and running with out missing a beat. (If you need a good honest and reliable mechanic- Atlas Motors 4020S 500W.) I <3 them. I am so grateful I took the time to get on my knees and pray for safety and protection for my journey enabling God to work unrestrained to produce such beautiful miracles that something that could have been life altering-even ending- turned into a minor inconvenience. Praying-it does a body good.

First Impressions

2011-06-17T09:00:00.002-06:00

They say you never get a second chance to make a first impression. Last night I decided to make an impression both memorable and tangible. Perhaps my subconscious really wanted to be sure there was a reminder of my presence for all. First date- Now if you remember I normally don't blog about dates- but this one is all about me. Dinner, new shoes- Kuru (ever hear of them, if you haven't then you should super comfortable, ergonomically/anatomically based, stylish and enviro friendly- watch out Keen. www.kurufootwear.com) then we stop by his place to check out his and his roommate's garden- and truly it was worth seeing. Before we get to the garden I am walking down the stairs in the house in socks on carpet and can you guess what happens next? Those stairs magically transformed into a slip and slide. My feet flew out from under me- rather violently- and I landing hard on my backside and back and found myself no longer at the middle of the stairs but at the bottom. I truly believe I set a personal record for best spills ever. If I was 80 years old that would have been a broken hip for sure. Bret turns around after I let out a bit of a squeal and finds me at the bottom of the stairs with my eyes closed not moving. I think I panicked him a little. I quickly stated that I was fine but initially he wasn't buying it because I was still not moving. Then he looked up and I followed his gaze and found the huge hole my elbow punched into the dry wall when I went spread eagle during my world record splay. Yep that's right- I punched a hole in the wall- literally leaving my first impression. I just wish I had a picture of the hole to go along with this blog. You will all be happy when I set your mind at ease that I turned out to be ok. A bruised tail to go with a even more red, embarrassed and bruised ego. I did spend the next half hour on a pack of frozen asparagus (courtesy of Josh- his roommate) to ice my throbbing right butt cheek. The wall- that didn't fair as well as I did. Now they have to tell the owner of the house- their roommate- and try to fix it before he gets home in a few days. Good thing they are handy boys. And that is my latest first impression.

Streaming Live

2011-05-25T20:51:00.006-06:00

Is blogging like riding a bike? If so then I may be in trouble. You see, I kinda want to get back into the game. The blogging game. I've been benched by the coach for a while (except for a few safe minutes (posting pictures) )and I want more action. But if blogging is like riding a bike this may be rough for a while. Everyone says once you learn to ride a bike you never forget how. I say wrong. Ok- so the basics of balance and pedaling and maybe even braking didn't totally fail me but that is all I am going to give it. Short of avoiding mom and dad holding the bike or training wheels, when I got back on a bike after a long sabbatical it was not like I remembered it.
The here's and there's about why I stopped writing are not really important. The all too typical sob story of time management is only one piece of the pecan pie. Why pecan? Because I fell madly in love with saying pecan pie while living in North Carolina. (ps NC I miss you)
So now I'm nervous. Yes nervous. What if what I have to say is stupid? Bringing the question of why does it matter? I worry that it isn't witty, or profound, or or or. But that kinda of thinking is not helpful, only paralyzing. Trust me, I know, because I find myself floundering in these thoughts and spirals all too often. I am determined to be ok with the fact that no one may impressed by what I have write. I am writing it for my own sake, right? Right? Well, its a work in progress.
I made the determination tonight that I was going to write. I mean when you leave work at 8:15pm and you have to go back at 7:30am it doesn't leave you much time to do much of anything else. During the drive home from the hospital I was thinking about what I wanted to write. (Because I am out of the practice of writing I have discovered that I don't think like I used to. When I wrote more frequently I was more apt to chew on and ponder things that I came across and thought if /how I wanted to write about it. Now my brain is dull- partly why I want to start writing again.) What to write... ?work. I could write about work- there are hundreds of stories I could share- but then I think, what about HIPPA? Then I hear the voices of so many that say- I don't like your stories from work. What? What is not to like about motorcycle accidents, car accidents, stabbings, shootings, people newly paralyzed, dying of multi system organ failure, sepsis, or... OK- maybe work stories in small easy doses. I figure there are generally two ways to approach what I see and do at work. One is with fear, heartbreak and despair. The other is with hope and gratitude for what can be done, what can be saved, and how much I can help people who can't help themselves. There will always be injury, illness, and accident- this is life- that is just what you get.
Today at work I had a great gift. One of my patients said thank you to me and that made a world of difference. When I started she was so weak she literally couldn't even move her eyes. After a month of torturing her and never letting her give up she has come a long way. There are days I swear she thinks I am the meanest person ever- but I am determined she will stand and walk again.
I think I am getting tired because the multiple forks, tangents and thoughts in my mind are slowing down. Work is tiring- end of story. At least my legs don't shake by the end of the work week like they used to in the very beginning. The question is, How long can I do this job? The answer is - not forever. I already have aged my back much faster than I care to think too much about. Perhaps some bodies are better designed for the 70-80 hour week of this kind of work- but I think every week on- how much longer will I last? And trust me, I don't want it to be something giving out on me that leads me to what's next. I have thought a lot about what is next. I haven't liked too many of my answers. Life is challenging- yet comfortable where I am. I leave work at work, the 7 days off is so alluring it is hard to give up, and I make enough money I am satisfied. But I would rather be proactive than have a change forced upon me. As a result I am returning over and over again to the idea of a PHD. Yikes. I'll be honest- I'm scared. Although I am less and less scared about whether or not I could do it. I am scared about losing myself to being a student again. Being poor, student loans(I just paid mine off), and every night in the library just doesn't sing to me- especially with how comfortable things are right now. I really don't want to go back to a night out at the movie being a splurge.
The end goal is to teach. I love teaching and I am fairly good at it- although the little I have taught may not give a good sample of where this degree would take me. Currently I am thinking about Public Health- preventative health. I really want to prevent people from being my current patient. And recently- during my run on Saturday to be specific- I have thought of a potential emphasis- children. I truly believe the key is to establish habits and create health patterns in childhood. It is so hard to change midstream. I also think children have the potential to inspire their parents to improve their health behavior.
Okay- if you have made it so far into this blog there are only a few options as to why or how.
A) You hoped I would actually end up with something worthwhile at the end (sorry but this is as good as it gets today. Its like the 2 hours you will never get back from a movie you were hoping to find some purpose or justification for watching.
B) Guilt or Fear- your family or close to it and you for some reason thought not reading this would come back to bite you someday. Well- I can't say I don't bite, but rest assured, not over this post.
C) Totally bored
D) Unsolved mystery

In the end I realize the only one I am writing for is me. I need to write. And if that means a stream of unrelated topics to ease the circles in my mind then ok- a stream it is. I do plan on writing more- and as I write more I will put a few more meaningful thoughts together. There is one topic in particular I am wanting to write a little about. The second topic- well that needs to wait awhile to protect the seemingly innocent(me). Oh, but that is a good story. ;)

My bed is calling me and I am quite ready to fall into the lure of its siren. Good night and God bless.

H~

2011-03-26T18:56:00.003-06:00

I am more
I am more than flesh and bones
more than brain and heart.
I am more than pain, fear, joy, love and hate
more than spirit, ether, and energy.
I am unending.

My existence will outlast the stars in the heavens.
There is no searching the depths I have carved in my soul
and no reaching the heights my spirit has touched.
I am eternal.

I am more
I am more than the contours of my face and the letters behind my name.
more than the tallied numbers in my accounts.
I am more than the failures and successes that appear to sum my life.
I am a divine being.

I am more, you are more, we all are more.

February Plight for Light

2011-02-28T15:35:00.003-07:00

I decided I need sun in February. Time to break up the gloom and get a little vitamin D restoration. So I took myself on a little joyride- to Vegas and St George. My aunt had a condo rented out in St George that I took advantage of and I spent a day and night with Katrina in Vegas. I watched the weather and picked a week that by the end reached 70 degrees. That may not sound tropical, but the week before it was 0 degrees and 70 degrees made me giddy (and sunburned). Just a little pink... but I was so excited to be pink. I decided that I would treat myself to the things I had never given myself the expense to do. Besides, it was also Valentines weekend and no one else is going to treat me to a fantastic getaway- so I gave it to myself. I saw Cirque's O, went shopping at the Vegas outlets and was going to hike Angels Landing- but ran out of time so I hiked through a ravine and scampered on boulders and watched some climbers in an area next to the condo instead. Dangerous- that is all I have to say about the outlets in Vegas- 2 watches, a wallet, purse, belt, and fabulous pair of boots later... PS I would go and see O again in a heartbeat. By the end of the great February plight for light I was rejuvenated. It is amazing what a little light can do.

Winter

2011-02-28T15:03:00.004-07:00

Winter is not the easiest of seasons for me. I like it- I really do- but only for 2 months. After that, I'm done. Done with the cold, done with digging my car out of the snow to go to work in the morning, and done with being light deprived. So this year I invested in skiing. A ski pass, skis, and a couple of lessons. I figured with all my time off I could really put it to use. I am not sure I have accomplished as much as I set out to do... but I have made progress and I think it has helped. I realize I could do more than I have with my ski pass. But without it I am not sure I would have made it up there much at all. There is something about doing everything by yourself all the time that makes motivation more difficult- even when you love something. Why is it that most things are better shared?

I am definitely not to the point of loving skiing, yet. I am not sure that I destined to love skiing as much as my friends. Perhaps the patients I see during my work week make me a little more cautious than the average skier. All the broken backs, necks, legs, arms... There was one skier who we thought might end up with an amputated leg. But... I am enjoying having a better reason for the snow.

But it is March and I am really ready for the blah of winter to fade into the brightness of spring.

Christmas Pictures 2010

2011-02-28T14:56:00.002-07:00

By the time I was done writing about Christmas, I didn't have the patience to add pictures. So here they are. Christmas breakfast, the stocking Santa left for me, the beautiful front room my roommates create every year, and all my friends that where there with me on Christmas in their paper picture form.

Kaylee McOmber

2011-02-28T14:42:00.004-07:00

Kaylee Nicole was born Dec 8, 2010. It will be nice and easy to remember how old she is... She managed to claim her own day from her sister by 5 days. It is the first time I have been able to visit the new arrivals in the hospital. All the others did not plan well for Aunt Heather to welcome them early on. The funny thing is that Kaylee was unintentionally named after my mother and I. Heather Kenna- one of the older sisters of Kaylee was intentionally named after my mother and I. But Kaylee is my middle name and my mothers middle name combined. Tim and Andrea didn't even realize. I will take it- gladly. Aunt Anginette and cousin Clara were also there to greet the newest McOmber.
So happy to have you here Kaylee~

Thanksgiving 2010- Homeward Bound

2011-02-28T14:24:00.004-07:00

It's time to get caught up again. I realize Thanksgiving was a while ago- but there it is. My parents and I back home in California. Truly a beautiful place. And doesn't my mom set a nice table. The clock is a famous spot in San Fran- Meet me at the clock- it's in a hotel at Union Square. The history behind it was very interesting. Emily would be proud of me for stopping to read about it.

2011-01-23T22:46:00.000-07:00

Just as an update... no goals set yet. I know- a little pathetic. I'm working on it...

New Year's Resolution

2011-01-16T20:05:00.003-07:00

It's a new year. 2011. Not only is it a new year but it is a solid 16 days and counting into the new year. And, I haven't any resolutions for the year. It's true. I don't really like goal setting- I find myself at times overwhelmed at the prospect. But I do love the theory behind goal setting and new year's resolutions. Perhaps my resolution might be to start to set and meet goals. I had a friend once tell me about the studies done on setting and meeting goals. Goal setters have increased satisfaction and joy in life than non goal setters. AND there is little to no difference in the amount of satisfaction and joy gained by meeting small goals verus big goals. This has actually helped me start to make some small goals. For example- everytime I have gone skiing I have set a small goal for me to accomplish that day. In the beginning it was getting off the chair lift and making it down the hill. The next time it was to go down the green run 6x. And it continued on from there. I must admit- there has been a sense of success at the end of the day because of these goals. I could look at the fact that I am still a beginner and obviously so, but thanks to my goal setting I see it as an accomplishment. It does make my stand against goals start to weaken some. I wonder if there is a good formula for setting goals. I am sure there is an organizational behavior thesis out there on goal setting designed to help all theh poor people like me who sit there with a blank stare wondering what goals should I make when an attempt to write some out is made. Perhaps I have a serious case of goal writers block. I feel like I need to "look around at what other people wrote" and copy off their ideas. Truly am I the only one who suffers with this? Maybe the only one who will admit it. So I think I am going to stick with my new years resolution- as odd as it may sound- I resolve to start setting and meeting goals. Objective and measureable goals. Many small ones, a couple moderate ones, and perhaps one big goal. Now I just have to decided what they will be.

Finding Christmas- A Quest

2010-12-25T09:05:00.003-07:00

Have you ever had the startling experience to look in the mirror and see that your features have morphed? That rather than seeing yourself, you find a much less appealing form? This year I did. Do you want to know what I saw? Warning: it wasn't pretty. It was a cross between Mr Scrooge and The Grinch. TRUE STORY. It/I was ugly. Now some people may argue that in their own charactery a certain fondness has enabled their features to be endearing and even loved. But let me say, if you find a mix of the two grossly messed with a faint resemblance of yourself, it isn't endearing or fanciful- it is simply frightening.
I saw the picture clearly this year, although the metamorphosis has been in process for years. The vision came as I was reviewing in my mind a conversation I had with a friend when I more or less said, "I hate Christmas." Then I proceeded to attempt to explain myself- which went over rather poorly. I realized, finally, that I have lost Christmas. Somewhere, somehow, and sometime the magical day from childhood died and what was left was a pity pot black hole of unfulfillment, pain, and loss of self. But I did find a little spark for Christmas still glowing under the ashes prompting me on a quest to find MY Christmas. Not someone else's Christmas- but a Christmas for Heather Kay. I wanted to take out The Grinch and Mr Scrooge and replace them with a bit of Tiny Tim.

The debate is- do I share how I lost Christmas? I am not proud of it. And the reasons will not incline hearts to melt with compassion. I come to the conclusion that the specifics of how I lost Christmas is not what is important- only the principle. I discovered Christmas- in it's purity as the celebration of the birth of the Savior is whole and complete in itself. Christmas can only be lost when the focus or heart settles on something other than Christ. Even if those things are good things-including family.

I started my journey/quest to find Christmas by reading "How the Grinch Stole Christmas". Rather than thinking -oh isn't that nice and closing the book I let myself ponder; if all of the outward manifestations of Christmas were taken away- the gifts, the trees, the lights, the food... everything that "makes Christmas", would I still feel Christmas in my heart and sing and rejoice like the Whos in Whoville? Does Christmas live in my heart because of gratitude for the Savior with the gift of His life the only gift that truly matters? For Heather Kay- does Christmas not come from a store and really does mean something much more? I confess that self examination did not come freely and easily. I wish I could say that Tiny Tim was alive and well in my heart... but I only have to remember the heart that felt "I hate Christmas". I found that Christmas for me was not something much more.

Christmas had become a day where I was a guest observing others celebrate Christmas as their families grow while mine remains population 1 even after years and years of hoping and waiting. Christmas became a painful reminder of stagnation, unfulfilled dreams, longing for someone special to create memories with and for, my own family to give to, and feeling like I actually don't belong anywhere- more of an orphan. Then only to add insult to injury Christmas this year became the very symbol of division causing a loss of those very things I might have gained this year. This year, even finding Christ in Christmas was somewhat painful.

The good news is, I did it. I in fact found Christmas. My quest was not in vain. I will say that Christmas is a bit slippery and difficult to hold onto- but there were moments of complete arrival.

My journey's path lead me to a few key things. First was a dedication to fulfill a goal I had made of writing an essay about what Christmas means to me- which constantly drew my mind to the subject. Second was a ticket literally arriving at my doorstep for the Utah Chamber Artist's the night of the performance- the music was so powerful it managed to melt through the layers of ice and sing to my soul the song of redeeming love. Third was a decision to have my own Christmas- party of one -starting my own traditions. Fourth was the Christmas story in Third Nephi. "Now it came to pass that there was a day set apart by the unbelievers, that all those who believed in those traditions should be put to death except the sign should come to pass, which had been given by Samuel the prophet. But behold, they did watch steadfastly for that day and that night and that day which should be as one day as if there were no night, that they might know that their faith had not been vain." I felt the key part of The Christmas Story is the hope it brings for the fulfillment of all promises no matter how bleak and implausible. The celebration of the hope of all things lost, impossible, and painful being made right. And awe of the faith of those that believed in the revelations of God until the very end no matter what the consequences and sacrifice. This is the celebration and joy of Christmas. This is the something much more. This is the ultimate gift.

Of course the above paragraph is the cliff notes version of my journey to Christmas- but no one wants to sit through the whole thing- myself at the forefront. In the end all that matters is...

I found Christmas.

It is true that...
Christmas does not come from a store.
Christmas does not come from family. Christmas/Christ is about the one on one. The individual.
Christmas comes from the heart- it is faith, hope and charity.
I wish Christmas was present with me always but for now it comes to me in moments- and for now, that is enough.
The gifts of Christmas do not come from a store. They cannot be held or seen, they can only be felt. There is a quote from Les Miserables, "The realities of the soul, though not visible and palpable, are nonetheless realities." Christmas gifts are reality; they are forgiveness, hope, patience in waiting, trust in promises, seeing and believing with my heart, looking to the soul and worth of every child of God, and something to sacrifice for that is greater than yourself.

Another quote from Les Miserables which is a favorite of mine, "If you are leaving that sad place with hatred and anger against men, you deserve compassion; if you leave it with goodwill, gentleness, and peace you are better than any of us." Ever since I read that my lifelong goal has been to turn pain and trials into goodwill and peace. Not to be better than anyone- but to be a better human. Perhaps this year I have made gains on that goal. Turning a place of frustration and even pain into more that it was before. I do believe this transformation may need to be made every year- but I hope I have bushwhacked the trail well enough this year so next year it will be easier to find my way to Christmas.

????

2010-11-30T20:55:00.003-07:00

A little online discussion- I realize online probably isn't the most kosher place to have this discussion but I need to get it out of my head. I want out. And the more time passes the more I think about leaving. Leaving what? Utah. I never intended to live here but I found myself here in 2004, a little surprised. I gave God one year and then I was going to be gone. It's 2010 and guess who is still here? Yep, that would be me. Some days- like today, I think that I just don't want to be here. I am here because most of my family is here. I can help and be close. I am here because this where I have established my life with friends and hobbies. I am here because I have a good job working for the same company for 7 years. I am here because I don't know where I want to go. It seems ridiculous to want to move when I have so much here just because I want out of Utah. And there isn't anything particularly wrong with Utah- I just think about staying here and sometimes my skin wants to crawl. Why? I don't know. The only logical thought against Utah that I have is the winter and I am going to ski this season hopefully to like the winter. (I guess some trees would be nice.) Then there is the dating dilemma. Mormon dating over 30 is the pits. (Okay dating in general is the pits.) Not that I am finding any inspiring Mormon boys here- but the odds are really poor elsewhere. Anyway, logically it is really hard to convince myself that it is a great idea to move to an unknown destination just to relieve myself of my periodic scream that I don't want to be here. I feel like so much lately has been me waiting. I hate feeling like I'm waiting. I want to be moving and progressing. But I cannot find the "what or where" answer within me. If I don't know- who does?

Odds and Ends

2010-11-12T22:18:00.005-07:00

A hike up Belle's Canyon

It seems wrong that this is the only picture I have of you...

Sunrise Hike

Danny Heslop in Concert

The Wonders of the State Fair

Usually I think of the state fair as great people watching. This year, the animals beat out all.

Jazzercise anyone?

Somehow my education on chickens had been neglected. Truly I did not know chickens came in these forms. They became a highlight of the fair this year.

This one was just pretty

The beginning of fall in the canyon

Birthday

2010-11-12T22:02:00.004-07:00

I had a 2-day birthday. One day with roommate family and one day with my blood family.

My nieces found a much better use for sprinkles than decorating the cupcakes...

Jacob refused to have his picture taken without some sort of prop...
My cousins Cameron and Niki came for the festivities.

Jody spent much of the afternoon making me her own designer birthday cards.

The girls and I went to dinner. What cute roommates I have!

I just wanted to wear my hat on my birthday- so I did.

YUMMY birthday cake!

Low key and entirely marvelous. Important to note a special appearance by the Bermanator. And of course a trip to the bookstore for this year's addition to the collection.

Grand Canyon Photo Extravaganza

2010-11-12T20:47:00.009-07:00

I realize that it is nearing Thanksgiving and that I went to the Grand Canyon over Labor Day weekend... but really that is not that important. The important part is that I am getting it done (finally). Ok- there is one more "not that important" detail about this post. The pictures are in reverse order. We ended at the Colorado river and double bridge and began at the Bambi Cafe... But it is much easier to post it this way. So this is how it is going to be.

Before the summer got into full sway Emily and I planned out a few fun summer trips. The last thing we wanted for the summer to get away from us and not have any new great experiences. This Grand Canyon trip was one of those spectacular mini get aways. Two car loads of people, camping gear, one British stowaway, and views that would take a long time to be ordinary; that was our trip.

On the way to Page Arizona after it was all said and done to deliver our stowaway.

The old and the new.

Keyhole point- one of my favorite pictures. Sunday was a day of interdenominational church service at the lodge, a mule ride, and a scenic drive.

Oh, Sunday was also a sunset.

I took A LOT of these pictures of the canyon. It just draws you in- and you endlessly and futilely try to capture it.

Our trail guide. She was the real deal- in another life I think I would have made a good cowgirl.

The gang- I know what you are thinking...with posture and pose on a horse like that we look like professionals.

Emily deserved her very own mule spotlight- this was her dream and desire- ride at the Grand Canyon. Love that I was there for you to live a dream- no matter the size.

Windy standing out on a precipice. I do believe I was in a skirt during this scampering on the boulder ledge. Skirt because it was Sunday- it doesn't stop me from exploring.

On top of that boulder ledge I was exploring on the top of the grand canyon I found this shell embedded in the rock. Yeah, that was pretty cool.

The Brit- stowaway. He was hiking rim to rim when Eric and I ran into him and offered to help- which he denied at that time. Ran into him again the next day and he was still in need of help. So he joined our group, campsite, and we even gave him a ride to our next destination. (never mind the 10day stay at the house the following week because Emily is too nice and he just seemed to be attached to SLC. We offered 1-2 days- apparently they do math differently in England.) Nice guy nonetheless.

Planning at the campsite.

I'm a sucker for sepia.

Loved the shadows in this picture.

This guy was the BIGGEST wasp I have ever seen. Wish I had something next to it for scale.

The trail down into the canyon- I wanted to keep going but time and group restraints limited too much exploring- but Eric and I went a bit past where the trail disappears.

This plant was COOL

Same place as before but this time looking up the trail to where we started- at the top of the trees.

The 2 brave souls willing to go deeper to the depths of the canyon that anyone else.

Day One- Emily I only used this picture because I loved the face you made.

The lodge...

Perhaps we are friends.

The whole gang... Eric, Emily Utt, Heather McOmber, Laura Durham, Sierra, Anya Bybee, Allison Miles, Kim Woodbury

And my a favorite stop... El Bambi Cafe in Beaver, Utah. When we drove by it we had to turn around and stop. As long as you like hamburgers you will get a long just fine with it. And I must say- they make a pretty good burger. And the cafe was named (by luck of the draw) after a deer that the owner's son adopted and kept outside the cafe 40 years ago.

And the rest is history.

I do not like elephants

2010-10-05T21:04:00.005-06:00

Elephants are not my favorite. I do not like elephants because they walk right into the middle anything they choose and sit right down in the middle of the room making a mess of everything. Do you know how much energy is wasted to host an elephant? A lot. Food alone to keep it alive is an endless endeavor and then add all the clean up... There is no ability to enjoy company- you can't even see each other through or around the elephant that is blocking the view. Peace and serenity- forget it. The problem is that convincing an elephant that it is not welcome takes at least 2 people- (sometimes much more depending on the size of the elephant). But if only one person is courageous enough to face the elephant then very little progress is made. Next thing you know elephant #1 has called all its friends to join in and the have destroyed everything. Just why are we so afraid of elephants? Not that I am not guilty of my own elephant phobia from time to time. I just think that I would rather be using all that energy for something other than the maintenance of an elephant. Anyone willing to join me in my quest to banish elephants from mine and other's living rooms and back to Africa where they belong?

Hitting the Mark

2010-09-22T00:55:00.002-06:00

There is a story in the New Testament about the high priests refusing to enter the Judgement Hall during the trials of Christ because they did not want to defile themselves during the passover. This contradiction hit me painfully hard. How could they miss the mark so painfully off? Thinking they were sooo holy, yet, truthfully they were destroying the very embodiment of holy. Am I missing the mark? How do I not suffer the same fate? How do I then "HIT" the mark? This is the key in the end- learning what it takes to hit the mark.Hitting the mark requires accuracy- accuracy requires correct teachings/principles and then consistent practice, diligent effort, learning, and even mistakes. If hitting the mark is put in context of archery or shooting it is easier to understand the effort and diligence required to consistently hit the mark. "Good" constantly asks/requires us to be diligent-and that is true for everything. Not much in this world "stores". Exercise doesn't store, faith doesn't store, food doesn't store , neither does talents, relationships, knowledge, or even sleep. They all need nurturing. We can't ever expect something to just be there for us.
I wonder why so many of us push back so hard against consistency. Do we view it as a loss of freedom? Being tied down? Is it a fear of failure -encouraging us not to put so much in only to fail? Or is it the monotony that comes in the repetition required to master and maintain once the novelty has worn off? I relate to plies and tondues for dancing. How many plies or tondues have I done in my life? Hundreds of thousands. It has gone through many phases in my life- first novelty, then monotony, but now they are my old friend. I love them, they are simple yet vital. It is like coming home, peaceful and even a joy. It is like a musician who has done scales for 20 years. I imagine that when they sit and play scales now that it is almost a form of meditation, familiar, calming, it just feels good. i think this is the blessing of consistency. It is a challenge to get to this point and a constant effort to maintain but there is an arrival where the things we commit to become love and devotion. We know it, it is safe, and we can settle letting our guard down and our souls expand. If we do not commit we are not grounded to anything and there is no rest.
If this is the outcome- again I ask why do we push back? Perhaps in the process of commitment we discover more about ourselves and that frightens us. Maybe it is the perceived sacrifice that is inherent to any commitment we fear. Sacrifice of time, money, or pleasure. Yet it is sacrifice that creates depth strength purpose and meaning. Commitment, true commitment is a transforming process. I ran across a quote on commitment in a Yoga Journal a couple of years ago, " Without commitment, life is a free-for- all, a series of hook-ups, and mere dabbling. You'll never have the sustained intimacy in a 3-month affair that you have with someone you've been with for 10 years. There is no way that a week long retreat in yoga will give you the kind of power and sustained opening that you get from years of daily practice. Without wholehearted commitment- a kind of for-better-or worse agreement with yourself that you're going to show up for this person, or this project, even if it's not going well, even if you're not in the mood. Our capacity for keeping our commitments makes progress possible."
Commitment- true commitment is nothing less than a transforming process. it is how we create ourselves. think about it. In what other form do we change voluntarily? So we see why God asks commitment from us. That is the very first step in the gospel, baptism. Essentially baptism is an action of committing ourselves to God, to our fellowman, and even to ourselves to participate and invest in the gospel. So much so that the symbolism is that we are dying in the water and being reborn a new person. Unfortunately that instant in the water doesn't change our nature to be holy. But, it is what we will become if we are true to the commitment the water symbolizes. In furthering our progress in the temple the lord asks us to even deepen our level of commitment and asks us to be consistent in our attendance furthering our potential to "become".
I believe the value of anything we participate in consistently is rarely found in the beginning nor in a single episode but is found years later like the musician or dancer who has been transformed into master by diligence and has gained peace, joy, and self in a way no one will ever find without paying the price- the tuition of consistency, diligence and commitment.
In the church we are asked to be consistent in many things. I believe it is not only to enable us to hit the mark, but so we can enjoy these blessings and the transformative power inherent to being consistent. Home teaching, visiting teaching, scripture study, prayer, temple attendance, marriage, fostering friendships, honoring father and mother, working on talents... Anything which requires consistency and commitment are the true sources of joy, peace and personal creation.

Family and Friends

2010-08-23T22:34:00.003-06:00

I invited my brothers et al to my house for the 24th of July parade and lunch. Well- at least we all made it for lunch- and a stroll around temple square. Just trying to do my part to keep the family connected....

I finally made it out to see Anya play some v-ball. A tournament. Break block and serve...

A View From the Top

2010-08-23T22:11:00.006-06:00

Mostly pictures I took at the top of my hikes this summer. Beautiful is a poor word to describe the scenery. And...I will say I am upset with Blogspot because as of this summer all my pictures look dull when I post them- not the same quality as on my computer or print outs. So I promise the real pictures look much better AND the real thing is of course better than it all.

Lake Catherine

View along Red Pine trail.

This day ended up being a 7 hour hike...

Red Pine Lake

Random shelter up by Devil's Castle in the saddle.

Fossils! Sea fossils on the top of the peak! Crazy. All the things I would miss if it wasn't for Chris. I have learned a lot from hiking with him.

Tetons and Yellowstone

2010-08-23T15:28:00.008-06:00

Toward the beginning of the summer Emily and I sat down and made a few plans. This is the result of one of them...

Old Faithful....

The crowd watching Old Faithful

Tetons (ummm...ps- this isn't in order )

More Tetons

Yet more Tetons

And again the Tetons- when you fall in love with something you tend to take a lot of pictures...

Elk- and I am not really zooming in-at all.

My favorite picture of the crazy pair. Thank you for being so great Miss Utt

THE falls

Self Portrait of Emily. Careful of giving your camera for Emily to hold if you ever have to use the bathroom. You never know what you will get. I remember a picture of the rail, the bench, Emily, and a few more things.

Lions and Tigers and Bears! Okay maybe just bears.

Just barely enough room for the two of us =) thank you Anya for the use of your tent. I do plan on buying my own- soon.

Buffalo bones

We weren't walking too far away from this guy. He was HUGE.

At the Lodge- the desk was perfect for Emily. I imagine her out hiking all day and coming home to study at this great desk.

HOT. Bubble bubble bubble.

It looks serene...

Emily jumping into my picture. It would have been so dull without her. She made the shot!

Here is our ode to Idaho- we had to stop on our way to appreciate the largest potato ever.

Adventures with Mom

2010-08-23T15:02:00.005-06:00

Mom came into town and in order to spend some time with her I kidnapped her from the grand kids. We ran off to Cedar City for the Shakespearean Festival- a highlight of the summer. Macbeth, Kolob canyon, morning poolside at the hotel, and a lot of carbs is the cliff notes version of the great 27 hour escape. There is nothing like art to capture and teach great principles. What I love about Shakespeare tragedies are the lessons about dangerous vices that ultimately lead to pain and suffering. Pride, vanity, greed, anger, jealously, lust... The lesson is so clearly painted in such painful detail that it can at times be difficult to watch. But that is the power of the lesson- we see clearly the distinction between the road chosen and the "if only" road. So hopefully if ever in a similar situation when the road isn't so clear to us we can remember the "if only" and be better able to chose wisely.

In Kolob my mom made the comment that "this" is better than Disneyland. As much as I have a special place in my heart for Disneyland- she is right. The real wonders and magic of the earth are much better.

I LOVE climbing trees...

The stage- an outdoor theater- marvelous. And I didn't even get cold- although I had a blanket with me just in case.

Hanging out with Bill

FLOWER POWER

2010-08-23T14:32:00.006-06:00

A few hikes this year have been plentiful in the wildflowers. Here are a few of my pictures.

JOY JOY JOY

2010-08-18T21:03:00.002-06:00

With a title like that it seems like this should be a Christmas post. Well, I guess I feel like it's Christmas- actually I find Christmas a difficult holiday these last few years- so it is better than Christmas. What is making me so happy you ask... I am dancing! This week, 6 hours a day Mon-Fri with only a 15min break in the middle. Yikes! I auditioned for a concert on Sat and was given the gift and honor of being choosen for a piece that will be in a concert- next week. If you don't know the behind the scenes of putting a quality performance together- let me tell you- 1 week is insanity. But I find myself clinging to the edge of sanity frequently so I guess this is right up my alley. Hence the 6 hour grueling schedule. I am bruised, sore but very happy. I feel like a dancer again and that is my favorite way to feel. I may even have my picture in the Salt Lake Tribune on Sunday, there was a photo shoot today. I have been waiting for a chance to dance for a long time and I finally have one! So if you are so inclined you can come see me- Aug 26-28 at the Rose Wagner "Momentum". You can buy the tickets online at ArtTix.
Wish me luck!

thoughts from today's yoga instructor

2010-08-07T11:11:00.002-06:00

Taking time to nurture yourself is a form of risk taking. It requires vulnerability. It is the counterpose to all the external activities and typical risks we take. Nurturing self is necessary for finding balance in life.

A Gift

2010-08-06T11:05:00.005-06:00

I have come to terms with the fact that I do not have a great memory. Too many times in my life I've thought- I'll for sure remember/ never forget this... only to find by sad experience I end up wondering just what all those "I'll never forget" experiences were. Hence is why we are encouraged to keep a written record, especially of those things that are the most important. I wonder why it is our first instinct to groan at the idea of journal"ing" like it is some great burden or agenda being pushed upon us. The miracle of the gospel is... as I ponder the principles and even suggestions that are taught I have yet to discover any that ultimately isn't for my increased joy, satisfaction and peace in life. Why I find myself continually pushing against it at times really is baffling .

This week I have encountered a person, thoughts, and ideas that I do not want to lose into the abyss. The woman's name is Leah Cox. She is a member of the Bill T. Jones/Arnie Zane Dance Company. She came as a guest teacher for the RW summer workshop. I was able to take 3 mornings of dance classes from her this week off. At the end of the last dance class this morning all I could say to thank her and express my thoughts was "You are a Gift". Because that is truly what she is. She is a beautiful soul, dancer, and human. Her intellect is sharp, absorbing, clear and expressive. Some how I was left realizing dance is all at once more and less. What she asked/hoped we would take home is increased questioning. Questions I remember are- what is the source of the initiation of our movement- how can we explore/change it? muscles, bones, joints, distal, proximal, energetic, tangible, sequential, simultaneous, action based, contact, floor at mid plane... Understanding what all that means and how it applies to dance isn't what I am here to talk about. I just want those words for my own memory- because it means something to me. A big take home piece was putting the weight more in the middle of the foot and translating that to walking, leaping, jumping etc. Amazing to me that even after all these years I still trend to a "falling backwards" position-as is generally inherit to many people. But what I loved the most was the thoughts she shared in the open panel discussion after the free showing of the piece she set on the company. Rather than create a logical flow of thoughts I just want to lay down the snippets I wrote on the program for the concert that inspired me. Like snapshots or flashes of light.

Dance is simply the craft of the movement of bones and muscles.

Any good work of art must reflect US. (quote from Bill T. Jones)

I wish we would let go art being "good" or "bad" and just feel free to create for the joy of making something.

Art can bring tension- but are we able to rather than run from the tension -sit in it and learn about ourselves from the tension we are experiencing. Often the point of "the work" is to excite and therefore insight you.

Art can be difficult to receive when we enter with an expectation of what we want to experience.

Art exercises a portion of the spirit that makes us better. It expands us. As the creator or the receiver.
There is a power to creating art. We do not know what a simple idea can become. Often a great far reaching piece of art started with a small and simple idea.

It is a courageous person who dares to create and is willing to make the first strokes.

Why do we separate ourselves between "artists" and "others". Why can't my art inspire you to create your own- whether it is "good" or "bad".

Art is a force that brings people together and exposes you- new thoughts, understandings, insights.

Creation is an inherit human joy and right.

MY FAVORITE

The original definition of aesthetic from Greek is some thing that enlivens us. Anaesthetic is the opposite, something that deadens us. So why do we put so much attachments and qualifications to what is or is not aesthetic. It is simply something that enlivens us- that is going to be different for each person but not right or wrong, good or bad.

Thank you Leah for the joy of connecting and learning from a truly giving and open soul. It was inspiring not just because of the greatness of your words but because of the greatness of the sould behind the words. It was a gift to be expanded by your presence. Each life that touches our for good...

For Pete's Sake

2010-07-16T22:56:00.006-06:00

I choose to believe that everyone has ghosts that they face. Their own personalized monsters in the closet- just like "Monsters Inc". I wonder if some learn to face their demons as children- getting so fed up being scared and bullied into the corner of their bed that they finally got up, opened the closet, turned on the light to find the light scared the shadows away and in truth there was nothing worth fearing to begin with. Having faced their fears and braved what was on the other side they found freedom from their ghosts and the key to face new ghosts that may come their way. But what about those that never found the strength to walk right up to their demons? And as a result, their closet begins to burst at the seams as life's process gathers new demons and fears because they never learned to open the door and shine the light on what was inside.
I believe-everyone has ghosts in the closet, no matter how good someone gets at facing their fears. Life constantly brings them- it is just a matter of whether you stay on top of your ghost problem or if you let them overpopulate by failure to deal with the problem. This I have decided. It must be, because, I cannot be the only one with ghosts. A "ghost" can take many forms- constant to metamorphosing, real tangible, to illusionary magician. Personally my ghosts are illusionists taking the form most commonly as thoughts. Constant stream of thoughts and stories about self. I find it frustrating that I have yet to shine sufficient light upon these monsters in the closet to find them no more in my life. I want to know- When do I grow up enough to not be afraid of the dark-whether or not there are demons, ghosts, monsters, or goblins in the closet?
But I suppose that is all in the process of life and in the process of learning to let go of trying to control life. The true "cure" is putting trust in higher powers. This -Faith-I believe is the key to "growing up"/ "losing the fear of the dark". And I believe that although there is much to conquer in life, if I learn how to shine "this" light in the closet I will finally see that there is and never was anything to truly fear.

Almost Caught Up

2010-06-24T14:02:00.005-06:00

I'm not sure if anyone has noticed but this is my something like my 5th post for the day. I am desperately trying to get caught up. It has been an enjoyable morning of seeing the wonderful things I have done in the last couple of months. This post is simply an eclectic mix of the odds and ends that are left. Then in an hour or so I'm off to create new memories. Yellowstone with Emily! As much as I may belly ache about being single still.... There are a few perks-

First Hike of the Year

Awesome co-workers
Heather Hinz, Melissa Wilson (AKA miracle worker), and Me

Lake Blanche- yes there was plenty of snow to traverse to get there.

Over flowing spring run off

I can run but I can't hide

Why not have dinner in Wyoming?

Fun with chickens- and yes we hypnotized it.

The girls get together to celebrate Andrea's B-day.

I am so lucky to be such good friends with my sister-in-laws

UMMM... I love that girl

My movie date with Jacob!

And I really enjoyed "How to Train Your Dragon"

My Retreat

2010-06-24T13:42:00.003-06:00

Last month I was going a little stir crazy and HAD to get out of town. I knew that my mental health was at stake if I spent another week off at home. So on Tuesday I called my grandma and asked what she was doing that week and if I could come-ummm... tomorrow. then I hopped in my car and took off 10hrs to Redlands California. NO, I didn't go to the beach. YES, I do love the beach- but that wasn't the objective. I went to be with my grandma. I slept in, went for a 2 morning runs (enjoyed thoroughly how my lungs didn't burn with asthma there), argued and lost with my grandma about who was paying for what, got a little sun, bought a bunch of the freshest sweetest oranges from the tree, Lion King, a trip to the apple orchards, my first apple dumpling, introduced my grandma to Red Box with a rental of Young Victoria (highly recommended!! amazing film) and then Saturday I turned right around and came home. It was just what the doctor ordered. Love you Grandma!!
We are 2 independent women steadfast and immovable (that is what my grandma says instead of stubborn) and it is an honor to be your granddaughter.

California Poppies- growing wild on the side of the road.

Roses Roses Roses

2010-06-24T13:19:00.006-06:00

A few weeks ago I took a class on Roses for Beginners at the Red Butte Gardens. I must put a little plug in for the Red Butte Gardens. If you have never been- you must go! It is amazing.
The teacher is a rose fanatic. If you think I'm exaggerating just wait- you will agree with me I promise. I can only describe him as Occidental/Guernsville meets West Side SLC. I do realize that means nothing to most- but for the people who do know those two places it means everything.
This man and his wife bought a corner drug store and turned it into their home and office. In place of the parking lot and side lots he has planted roses. Almost 500 different rose bushes. He said his rose garden was peaking and that anyone was welcome to just help themselves through his gate and have a look. So I took him for his word. I rode my bike down to 880 W 200 S- Emily drove out to meet me and this is what we found.

PS- I learned a lot of great things about taking care of roses which I am very excited about! I have been wanting to learn more about caring for roses for years. It was a great class and now my roses will be even greater.

Spiral Jetty and The Golden Spike

2010-06-24T12:29:00.004-06:00

Emily planned a great Saturday escape to get out to see the wonders that are so close- yet sometimes so far at the same time. A 2hour drive out to The Golden Spike State Park and a view of the Spiral Jetty. A few cars, a bunch of girls, a party sack complete with a wooden train whistle and snacks (because Emily is just that great), an incredible dynamic sky and you have a great adventure.

This was in honor of some sand art I created 6 years ago- it is, unfortunately, still true today.

The hostest and I

Jumping for Joy

Happy Birthday Jody!!

2010-06-24T12:07:00.003-06:00

My niece turned 9 on June 11th. She is a lover of crafts, pink, and princesses. She was born with an innate moral compass. Doing the RIGHT thing is such a natural guiding force within her Jody struggles to understand how anyone could chose anything else. She is an invaluable helper, natural nurturer, and care tender of all living things. In the spring the seedlings are put in her room because her mere presence inspires things to grow. Lately, her hula hooping and jump roping skills have made exponential growth AND she has discovered reading. Just ask her about her latest book.

Chalk Art

2010-06-24T12:03:00.002-06:00

One of the summer's highlights is the Gateway Chalk Art Festival. Last weekend was the annual anticipated event. Emily was my stellar date for the Saturday night festivities. Have a look see below for some of the highlights.

MP 19th Stikes Again

2010-06-22T21:33:00.002-06:00

I am making an attempt to integrate and become invested in the Monument Park 19th Ward. Whether you describe it as a valiant attempt all depends on your perspective. Every time I go to an activity I find the the song "one of these things is not like the other, one of these just does not belong, can you tell which things is not like the other by the time I finish this song" running laps in my head. And it seems to sum things up nicely. I am the thing that does not belong. I am the misfit in this ward. One begins to ask just why I am going there. I hope it gets better soon.
The latest adventure occurred at FHE this week. A night of beginning social dance. I am not in need of beginning social dance lessons but I thought it a good interactive way to meet people so I gave it a go. And I walked away with a latest and greatest story. Are you ready for it?
There was a change in partners in the dance line and a a new man strolled up beside me and asked how I was doing with the dancing. I replied "I am doing fine- but dance is my thing". To which he looked at me quizzically and asked- "dance is your thing?" "Yes", I said, "I am a dancer." At which point he stepped back looked me up and down and said "You don't look like a dancer." "What does a dancer look like?" I asked. "I don't know" he said, "lithe and elegant". I was stunned and speechless. Did he really just say that? And the funny part was he was clueless as to the backhanded jab he just handed me. He went on with get to know you conversation as I was attempting to smother the steam that was rising. And I thought-hmmm, I wonder why you're not married.
So there you have it.
Another successful blog entry courtesy of MP 19.

Only a Storm Could Be That Beautiful

2010-06-06T22:34:00.004-06:00

I just spent the best part of 2 hours outside admiring the most beautiful heavenly event. Walking and staring entranced by the depth, intensity, contrast, light, color, smells, and feel of the storm that raced through at sunset, amazingly clearing up to piercing stars as the last glimpse of light faded beyond the horizon. The storm became so dark that black gives no proper justice to describe the enveloping presence that absorbed everything in its path. The entire spectrum of grey filled the sunset backdrop. Shapes of impending doom to fanciful artistry were expressed by the clouds. I was awed by the visible speed with which these clouds fled across the sky. There were trees silhouetted against the bright rays of sunset. The intricacies of the details of the mountains were made bare by the evening light which you only noticed if you could take your eyes away from the brightest double rainbows framing the fresh, lush, green mountains. Soon a heavy summer rain which was renewing without the bite of winter began to fall in thick heavy drops while silent lightening laid fleeting desperate patterns throughout the sky. At one point in the walk the capital looked framed in an artist's canvas with the black storm being challenged by the bright lights it shines at night to stand as a beacon on the hill. The flags were perfectly horizontal as the wind propped them in place. The western edge of the capital was gradated from black to blue to tinged yellow with the trailing of clouds that couldn't keep pace with the others silhouetted against the final hopes of day as the last light trickled into dark. And to cap it off one star (well, Venus) broke through the clouds with a confidence and presence demanding attention.

I couldn't believe I didn't have my camera. There were a hundred thousand pictures that cried to taken but I was helpless to heed their pleas- although my heart ached for it. I did have my phone on me for the first part of it and managed to capture the double rainbow. The second half of the storm it was Emily and I out wandering up to the capital to see clearly the glories. I was struck by the sadness of how many people missed the most incredible sights I have experienced in a long time. It was the best show on earth tonight- yet so few experienced it. It fed my soul more than anything could have. And to top it off this morning was the most glorious morning light over the mountains I have ever seen. I remember how stunned I was by the morning. I can't believe it was only the appetizer/the opening act before the main event of this evenings grandeur. Grateful, grateful, grateful for this most glorious Sunday gift God granted me today.

I think there are many profound lessons to be found within the storm. Emily commented on the poetry of it-so true. But the lesson I need tonight-my take home message... is to remember that storms bring a beauty and depth nothing else can. And not all storms need to be hidden from- some are better walking through and looking at the majesty they bring.

#200

2010-05-14T09:43:00.002-06:00

I'm not sure if this is "already" my 200th post- or if it is "only" my 200th post. Not that it matters either way. But here is a celebration of a few snippets of the last couple of years neatly stored away in "ether space". The blog contains highs, lows, blahs, funnies, and a few pictures reflecting life on my planet. And truly I have come to believe that everyone lives life on their own planet- the range of experiences and perceptions that each individual has creates an entirely unique paradigm- a unique orbit of rotation- and a unique gravity pull. Truly it is fascinating.
In my 200th post I simply want to say "CHEERS" to life- mine and all others. I am curious to see where I am in life at the end of the next 200. I am certain only of one thing- I will be where I did not expect- that is the one thing I am learning to count on.

Angry Eyes

2010-05-12T15:34:00.002-06:00

Angry- yes I am angry. What an ugly word that is- it doesn't roll off the tongue very well- in fact it seems to get caught up and stuck in your mouth as you say it. I suppose it is only fitting. That is all anger does anyway- get caught up and stuck inside you. I would like to throw words and blame people for the way I feel but, the truth is, it isn't their fault. The fault is in fact all mine. And the truth is- I'm not really angry- I'm just tired of nursing repeated broken hearts. The frustrating part is how avoidable these moments are- if only I didn't let myself get carried away in foundless hopes. A good friend told me one of the wisest things I have ever heard "The only outcome you can control is your personal eternal outcome. Everything else is subject to unexpected possibilities." At least the gospel gives me the keys, knowledge, and hope of the one thing I can control. Yet I insist on placing hope where there is no grounding. Silly, Silly Girl. Do I feel any anger now? No, the angry eyes have been replaced by quiet self-reflection, for the time being.

Swell Goblins

2010-05-09T21:06:00.009-06:00

Jacob's Flowers

2010-05-03T12:52:00.003-06:00

My 6 year old nephew cut me some flowers from his mom's garden- with permission. He loves to give girls flowers. The tulips are beautiful but my favorite part is the 3 inch stems. Adorable. And not only that- but we are going on a date. My next week off we are off to see "How to Train a Dragon". I know your jealous! Who wouldn't be, he is the sweetest boy around and good looking too. Some girls have all the luck.

On the Brink

2010-04-29T14:32:00.002-06:00

I think I am getting really close to biting the bullet and just take a few computer classes. I am getting so frustrated! My limited knowledge due to my refusal to play the technology game is starting to come back to haunt me- as we all knew it would... But really, cutting and pasting should not be a problem! All I wanted to do is share and save a most wonderful piece of writing I came across last week. But no- It refuses to transfer into my blog. I can paste it into my email and word- but not here. Why?! Grrrr... Obviously the answer is- I don't know, which is why I really may be tossing in the towel and going to get some help. What are the odds?! I may wind up becoming tech savvy- who knows?

Innumerable and Priceless

2010-04-25T21:17:00.003-06:00

I would like to report that life is good. I am blessed with so much in my life- when I take a step back and look through clearer eyes I see myself blessed far beyond the efforts and good intentions my life could ever hope to earn. Simply the knowledge of the eternities/gospel, the blessings of the endowment, and the love of family and friends are of the riches blessings to be cherished and prized above all. But I also have health, strength, coordination, and the beauties of the earth to see, admire, and play in. There is music to move the soul and the feet in rhythm which I can hear, feel, and create. I live in a comfortable beautiful home. I have a job where I am part of a team- respected and appreciated and am paid more than enough to cover my needs and enough wants to never complain. My mind is open and receptive-capable of learning without major obstacle. I have the means to be warm in the winter, cool in the summer, and fed all three meals without concern. I indeed have very little in my life worthy of complaint. Although sadly, I, amazingly enough, forget these things and choose instead to focus on small insignificant worries, detours, disappointments, or fatigues. How easy it is to turn a grain of sand into a giant boulder. I have seen enough of this world-from third world countries to physical limitations from working in health care to KNOW that these blessings are gifts, to be treasured. Many things I take for granted are others unreachable dream. I hope I can take time to stop, ponder, and appreciate just how rich my life is and toss the boulders in my sight back into the sand box where they belong.

Random

2010-04-06T18:02:00.002-06:00

Today I was informed that I could not treat any patients until I had come into full compliance with hosptial standards. I didn't even know I was out of compliance. It turned out that I hadn't had one of my standard vaccines- so I became the victim of a stabbing this morning. I was informed I would be sore tomorrow. Forget tomorrow! I was sore starting 2 hours after.

I treated a 90 year old patient who still had naturally brown hair- some grey interspersed but I was amazed that the majority was still brown.

I treated a patient today who in years pass had a gastric bypass and intenstinal shortening. When I walked in the room she was taking a bite out of a crown burger that was as big as my head and was asking where her onion rings were. Lets just say that the surgery wasn't as successful as she wished and she suffers from chronic diaherra. Shocking...

Anyway- just a couple of random tid bits from my day at work.

Hopeless

2010-04-05T19:23:00.002-06:00

I still remember the first time my heart was broken- I was 15. Don Daley had already turned 16 and he could "date" now and I couldn't. So he broke off our innocent 15 year old "going out". Really it had consisted of talking on the phone, going to church dances and getting together in groups at friends' houses. My poor romantic committed self was devastated. We ended up being close friends for the next five years while he dated scores of women. It was a great friendship. He was the boy who told me that I was not the kinda girl guys wanted to date- I was the kind they wanted to marry. I now know that was the highest compliment I could receive, a reflection of how I stayed true to my standards and what I believed, but it didn't seem that way when he said it. Over the next 16 years since I cried in the hall of the stake center at that youth dance, my heart has broken more times than I wish to count. I know that wishing on a star, a toss of a penny in a wishing well, blowing all the seeds out of a dandelion, kissing a frog, blowing out all the candles on a birthday cake, shooting stars, holding your breath through a tunnel... doesn't magically produce your dreams, your hearts desire, the childish wish you faithfully toss to the fairies and cupids just out of sight. I know because I have tried them all. (well, I'm not sure I've ever kissed a literal frog...) But... do you want to know a secret? I still do it. I still wish on stars and when I blow out the candles on my cake. I try to blow off all the seed of the dandelion and toss the penny into any wishing well. I want to believe in dreams. I want to believe that burning desires of my heart will come to life. The question is how many times will my heart break and my dreams not come true before I let go of my childish ways? Haven't I learned anything in the last 15+ years? I have come to the conclusion that I am hopeless. I will continue to risk my heart, I will continue to dream, and break the "rules" of sophisticated women- and as a result I will continue to suffer the pains of a broken heart. Because I want to make the birthday cake. I know that line makes no sense but I'm not ready to tell that story yet. I know my behavior is sometimes childlike- but I would rather laugh about ping ponging through the narrow halls of a ridiculous condo than walk all stoic and ladylike. I would rather get excited to share a joy or create a joy than stop and think through "overstepping" my bounds. I would rather hold my breath through a long tunnel and feel the glee and anticipation of what I get to wish for rather than not. So there you go- I am hopeless and I'm afraid it just won't ever change. I hope I never find out my limit of heart breaks before I change.

Good Morning!

2010-03-31T14:41:00.003-06:00

I woke this morning to a beautiful spring snow storm. Perfect! Why perfect? Because whenever there is a snow storm I think about the best thing I could do is cuddle up in a blanket in the front room with a cup of hot cocoa, a book to read/something quiet to do and have the curtains open so I can watch as the snow filters down from the sky. Like powdered sugar shifted through a sieve over a homemade delight. And guess what today's plan was? Read, ponder and write in hopes of gaining some perspective, clarity, and peace within myself. Finally a day when the weather and my activity match. When does that ever happen?
I was getting all set of for my day before I permanently affixed myself to the couch when a most unexpected twist occurred. I was still in my PJ's when I ran down to put a letter in the mail slot, it was cold outside and not wanting to let the cold air into the upper part of the house I closed the door before I opened the outside door to send my mail. Oooops! The door was still locked when I closed it and I nice and neatly "stucked" myself in the entryway. It was wet, cold and snowy outside, the door inside was locked, I had no keys, no phone, no shoes, and forgive me for admitting to public- no bra. I was in my PJ's and socks trapped between the wet cold snow and a locked upstairs. Humorous yes. But painful tragic at the same time. There was one hope in this story- Kristin was still home and hadn't left for work yet. But she was in her room upstairs and couldn't hear the doorbell- trust me I rang it often in the time I spent huddled in the entryway. I left the front front door open allowing all the warm air out because I had to catch Kristin going to her car from the back door for work because if I wasn't quick enough and missed her then I had a whole day to freeze in the entryway. I wasn't about to walk in a freezing wet snow storm dressed as mentioned above to the church history building and ask for Emily Utt or Anya Bybee as a drowned frozen homeless rat to get a key to get inside again. So there I was ringing and ringing the doorbell getting colder and colder as the minutes ticked by. To pass the time I picked up the broom we keep there and swept it out and bagged the mail rejects we keep there and tried to tidy things up. That was working well for me until I moved the broom back a little too far in my sweeping and caught my knuckles against the brick- tearing the skin right off. So now I am numb toed, shoeless, braless, locked out and BLEEDING. I mostly laughed off the ridiculousness of the situation and set myself to endlessly ringing the doorbell and stepping out to peer around the corner to see if Kristin's car was still there and hopefully catch her running off to work. 1/2 hour passes, 45 min passes and my toes are getting hard to move. I started running in place more fervently trying to maintain some body heat- which we all know is practically impossible for me to do. Well I thought it was only impossible for me to maintain body heat but as it turns out both running in place and maintaining body heat are impossible for me. While running I managed to clip my knee full force on the corner of the open door and create an instant change in skin color and an instant change in the shape of my knee- apparently it wasn't convex enough. (it is still tender for me to bend my knee) As much as I wanted to laugh at that too- I ended up just crying. Locked out from my own stupidity, bleeding knuckles, hypothermic toes, bruised throbbing knee, unsuitably dressed for public or the weather, ringing doorbell with no avail and entirely unsure how or when this moment of mortality would be over I just couldn't hold back the tears.
At this point I was seriously starting to consider my options- just how humiliating and perhaps risky would it be to walk in socks and PJ's to the church history library in this weather-and how much colder could I stand to get- the water was beginning to freeze on the handrail of the porch. Fortunately before my musings became too desperate Kristine managed to hear one of my endless peels of the doorbell and opened the door to rescue me. I was not nearly as gracious as I wish I had been but I was truly thankful she came to rescue me as I dived into the shower to warm up and rescue my toes. I really don't know how long I was stuck- it was between 45 min and an hour. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I started my day. Good Morning!

Circling Vultures

2010-03-22T22:02:00.002-06:00

Yesterday I ventured into a new world. Entirely overwhelming and a touch frightening, but I had some trailblazing friends with me to help me out. I am talking about going to church at the Monument Park Ward. AKA- YSA ward failures now in remedial church. A singles ward for 31-45 year olds. There is that moment of "Is this really where I have come to in my life? Am I really here?". In the beginning of one meeting they announced that if there was anyone over 45 to please see the leaders and they will help you find somewhere else to attend. I had a moment of panic- I NEVER thought I would be in a 31+ ward, what if I get to 45+ and am still single? For sure I will be in a family ward in all my single grace teaching the primary by then.
I digress...
After the meeting I was talking to a couple of friends- Rob and Rachel. I got distracted in our conversation and had to stop and apologize with the explanation that I was distracted by a guy that keeps walking past over and over looking over and staring us down. Rob made my day by saying- "oh yeah, there are some that do that here- you have to stay close to your girlfriends." It's a good guy who can call it out like that. Then Rachel took it a step further by saying "Circle the Wagons!". Just to top it off I couldn't resist-"The Injuns are coming!". (that is slang for Indians if anyone is confused...) That brought a great deal of laughter at a much needed time. Unfortunately we broke rank and the Injun cut us off at the pass as we were trying to make our great escape. For the betterment of all "man"kind- please note that the "you look familiar, do I know you from somewhere" is a much overused pick up line. All it accomplishes is to make me feel like I have the most common face ever, because NO, I do not know you from somewhere. I managed to squiggle out of his grasp fairly quickly (not too rudely) and make a run for the door.
That evening my friend texted me to find out how the great adventure went- he attended that day as well. The conversation that ensued was the second highlight of the night.
Me: I was overwhelmed but I am going to give it a chance. Your thoughts?
Friend: EJECT! (he's a pilot)
Me: Well there was this vulture that was circling after church, I tried to run for it but he was too quick.
Friend: What the vulture didn't realize is that you're not dead yet.
Thank goodness I am not dead yet!!! I may be 31 and single but I have a lot of life yet! You can't just have any good looking pair of boots you see at church.

GRRRRRR

2010-03-22T21:24:00.004-06:00

I had a great post all written and one miss stroke it all disappeared! There is a reason I write in Word and then copy it here- but did I do that tonight? Oh No. Now I am just frustrated. No way I am going to rewrite it. Some days are just like that I suppose.
But I did enjoy playing frisbee and flying a kite today. So nice to be outside again. I hope to be a kite flying free in the sky soon- without guilt, pain or fear because I let go and am free. Not quite there yet, but I'm working on it.

Anonymous

2010-03-06T16:36:00.004-07:00

I never told anyone but
I have embraced a blackened sun
Set sail on a mountain path
Fallen to earth from the caverns deep
Fought battles on the plains of clouds
And killed by a gentle breeze.
I never told anyone but
I am more than me.

Joy in the Odd Choice

2010-03-05T11:16:00.003-07:00

Yesterday I pruned "my" roses. They aren't exactly my roses because I rent- but they have been mine for the 5 years I have lived here. The weather took a sharp turn from fair to wet as I was getting ready to go out- so I put on my Spyder coat, put the hood up, and went out anyway. I realized that some people might look at me and consider it odd that I was pruning roses in rain and hail. I also realized I didn't care. It needed to be done and a part of me found joy in pruning at an "odd" time. My coat kept me dry so what did it matter? Instead of worring and waiting for the weather to turn around, I decided to not let the weather tell me how I was going to live my life. It was empowering. I am all to guilty of living my life how I "should"- Once in awhile it is enlightening, inspiring, and liberating to veer from the beaten path and find the freedom in living your own life. The joy in the odd choice. Guidelines are good- but not mandatory. There are a million different ways to live your life. Just because it isn't the same as others live, it doesn't make it wrong.

I Killed It

2010-03-02T16:26:00.002-07:00

I am heartbroken. But what else was I to do? They say that it is merciful to kill an animal to end its suffering. Well I feel like I "killed it" and have only caused more grief. I don't want any more grief, for myself or for anyone else. I feel like I took a stand for myself and came out the loser. Letting go is so hard for me.
Where is the point of no return? The point where you have gone so far you can't go back to how things used to be. If you knew you were there would you choose to take the next step and risk losing it all or stay put and treasure what you have? The hope of stepping past the point of no return is of course to gain it all. Everything I ever dreamed of. But, I am not much of a gambler so maybe it is a good thing that I don't know that I am crossing the line. I might not ever make the choice to take the step past that point and hold on to what I have. The consequence of that action is I would never be able to gain what I ultimately desire because I was never willing to risk losing and winding up where I currently am.
But right now, in this moment I am not happy I took the risk. Losing is terribly painful- handing over all the chips in my pile feels like I am losing more than poker chips and money. I see others lose- kill the animal, hand over the poker chips and walk away so much easier than I do. GRRRrrrr.
I hate that I had to kill it.

Just What the Doctor Ordered

2010-02-27T19:49:00.003-07:00

I need to remember that if I am ever feeling less than 100% that my ticket to happiness is a little physical activity. Tonight I went to an activity at the Davis Rec Center. For $3 I played racquetball, ice skated, and swam all my troubles away. It was blissful!

Call Me Irresponsible

2010-02-23T22:47:00.003-07:00

Dinner: cupcakes and cheesecake
Activity: Girl Talk! at Heidi's house- till late
Did not do: homework, practice singing...
How I feel about it: Great!!
New Life Goal: Live in the NOW without guilt- just joy (requiring some planning and self-control of course- but leave the nazi/nun life with the nazis and nuns)
New Life Goal: Learn how to want- again without the guilt

I had a great night.

The Ride Has Ended

2010-02-19T20:58:00.002-07:00

They say that an ending is also a beginning. That by sacrificing everything you are then free to receive everything. But frequently the problem is perspective. When a door firmly closes in front of you ending the course you were currently on, the door looks really big, in fact the door is all you can see. The window that is opening to you is not in sight. Even turning your head around isn't enough because you are standing too close to the door. There is only one thing that will give the perspective to be able to see more than the door and that is distance- our good friend time.
I have reached an ending. I wonder if endings are difficult because eternal is our nature and endings go against our nature. Despite the struggle and my dislike for them, I am getting better at endings, much better than I used to be. Perhaps practice does make perfect after all. The mix of emotions comes as a cocktail not to be found in any other way. Relief, mourning, apathy, regret, liberation, the budding of new dreams, the painful death of old dreams, fatigue, concern, confusion... Relearning and redefining self all over again. And what are the right steps to take anyway? I am thankful that the true desires of my heart will stand as my judgement as much or more than my actions.
Right now I am just tired. Drained dry. The ride has ended, the park is closing and it is time to find refuge in a long winters nap. Isn't that one of the best things about winter anyway?

my mistake

2010-02-11T23:55:00.000-07:00

J/K the rollar coaster ride hasn't ended yet.

Weeeee?

2010-02-11T20:20:00.003-07:00

I woke this morning up so cozy and warm in my bed. - I spied out my window and saw beautiful snowflakes falling and trees leaning heavy with the weight of the inches heavy snow lining the branches. It wasn't sticking to the streets so driving wasn't a problem and we have been so dry the snow was a welcome sight. It was one of those mornings where everything felt right and beautiful in the world.
Alas in an instant it was gone. I soon felt I was on the top of a roller coaster falling down so fast that my stomach landed in my throat. Blissful confidence of forward progression is traded in for a pair of sea legs on dry land. And the day somewhat proceeded with a series of up and downs to make no doubt that I in fact woke up in an amusement park this morning and was actually on a roller coaster.
Now the ride seems to have stopped- and I am walking wobbly woozily waiting for everything to settle back down to the calm hum drum of everyday life. Soon I can shake off the unsettled feeling, forget the stomach drop, and remember only the adventure of the ride.